Powerless- Step 1

       The first step to overcoming anything in life is admitting that there is a problem.  Step one of the Narcotics Anonymous program states that "we admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable".  Alcoholics Anonymous has the same first step, but with the word "alcohol" in place of the word "addiction".  I feel like we can take pretty much any issue that we have in our lives and insert it there.  But unmanageable seems like a pretty strong word, in fact most people have to reach absolute rock bottom before they can see just how messed up things in their lives have gotten.  We're women, we can manage anything, right?  So, I personally like to replace the word "unmanageable" with the word "UNBALANCED".  Because people can actually become addicted to literally anything.  Drugs and alcohol are only the more obviously damaging ones.  Games, shopping, sex, church, anything can become so big that it takes dominance over our lives.  In the words of Dr. Seuss, "...remember that life's A Great Balancing Act."  I am, by no means, saying that you can have a little heroin as long as you feel that you can control it.  We're simply applying this thought to other areas of our lives.  Sometimes I can get so obsessed with the fact that I'm having trouble sleeping that I literally put myself into a teary eyed panic until I REALLY can't sleep.  The thing that we're putting in front of our faces the most becomes the most important thing to us.  I like to think that my body, spirit, and mind is composed of two equal, yet dueling, parts.  We have the yin on one side, dark, cold, sinister, and passive, and on the other side we have the bright, warm, focused, and active yang.  We are all made up of BOTH forces that complement each other.  In body we must exercise; we can't be sedentary, nor can we be overly active to the point of exhaustion.  This principle is beautiful once applied to your life, and offers a oneness of the self that people tend to forget about.  Yes, we are always working to become better people and not let our evil thoughts overcome us.  But we still have to remember that those thoughts are what make us human, and they serve a purpose.  In certain situations our bodies can respond with anxiety, adrenaline, and negative thoughts- that's normal!  We just have to decide in our higher mind whether or not our thoughts are true, and whether or not it is appropriate to act on them.  This process allows us to realize that where there's a shadow, there must be a light.  In simpler terms, everything has two halves.  Two halves make a whole.  When split apart, both halves spend eternity chasing after each other to seek balance and wholeness.  Nothing on earth is only evil or only good, there is simply imbalance.  When our lives become unbalanced we are left with feelings of anger, sadness, contempt, hopelessness, confusion, and even overconfidence.  The first step to regaining balance and control is mindful awareness.  We have to first realize that there is something wrong before we can fix it, and once we begin paying attention to those negative feelings then we can start to see where the problem is originating.  Then simply do the OPPOSITE.  I'm starting to feel anxious, so instead of going down that rabbit hole I'm going to stand still and breathe.  I'm telling myself that I'm not good enough and that I'll never be able to accomplish the task at hand, so it's time for a little self-love.  Tell yourself good things!  Imagine the absolute worst thing that can possibly happen, and then envision yourself standing through it all, strong and unharmed.  If you're starting to feel stagnant and depressed, get up and move, exercise.  Our minds are always seeking balance, even when we are unaware of it. We need to step aside and allow healing to happen.  I will leave you with this passage from the second chapter of the Tao Te Ching, while urging you to remember that we always have the power to restore balance to our own lives.
What's your first step?

"When people see things as beautiful,

ugliness is created.

When people see things as good,

evil is created.

Being and non-being produce each other.

Difficult and easy compliment each other.

Long and short define each other.

High and low oppose each other.

Fore and aft follow each other."

"Let's Talk About SEX!" with guest blogger Amanda Anderson

       I remember the first time my mom said we needed to "have a talk".  I was only about fourteen, and yet somehow I instinctively knew she meant we needed to talk about sex.  I could tell she was nervous...and that made ME nervous!  I had been reading her Cosmopolitan magazines for at least two years, so of course I thought I knew everything there was to know about sex!  I very quickly responded to my flushed mother that I didn't need to have that talk.  She only protested once and that was that!  No talk.  Ever!
       I knew my mom had sex- lots of it even, but I couldn't ever bring myself to ask her a single question.  I don't know that she could have helped me any, as I was a fast learner (lol) but I have made sure that three-letter word is a positive one in my house.  I have said the word "sex" around my three children hundreds of times, and for the most part, they barely bat an eye.  I've told them all that sex is a normal, healthy, important part of a persons life and it's important to know as much about it as you can BEFORE you ever try it.  I wasn't the type of parent who buried their head in the sand and assumed my kids wouldn't have sex until they were married.  I laugh heartily at that notion and shake my head at any parent who thinks that way.  I made sure my boys knew what sex would mean the first time they had it...not just for them, but for their partners, as well.  I told them they would have to work hard to make sex enjoyable for their female partners if they were sexually active at a young age.  I told them that was their duty as men.  Both of my boys came to me after they lost their virginity.  I know how old they were and to whom they lost it.  I feel good about that.
       Discussions about sex have been a little more difficult with my daughter.  She is a little more shy and reserved than her brothers, but I try, nonetheless.  I have told her as much as she will let me, and we have had discussions about safe sex numerous times.  My daughter knows it is her responsibility to respect her body and her life.  Supplying her brothers with condoms was a lot easier than making sure she is safe, but we have done it.  She knows how I feel about unplanned pregnancy (I don't believe there is such a thing this day and age), and she knows I am here for her if she ever wants or needs to talk.  I have given my daughter the tools she needs to be empowered and in control of her body.  I feel good about that, too.
         I have NEVER had an issue mentioning sex or talking about sex as an adult, and it always surprises me when I'm around people who do.  Recently I was speaking to my doctor and brought up something that had happened to us during sex, and I watched my grown husband blush!  I have tried to coax the reasons behind this out of him, but I truly believe that he doesn't know!  I spoke to my Spanish sister-in-law about this subject and she says Americans in general are more inhibited than Europeans.  Why is that, I wonder?  I'm sure it has to be passed along from generation to generation.  I am attempting to break that cycle in my family, at least!  And why shouldn't I?  Most people have a penis or vagina and a lot of people can't even say those words!  Most people will have sex at least once in their lifetime but have to whisper the word "sex"!  We have all of this in common but we can't talk about it.  We can remove that stigma!  Talk to your kids, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you!  They deserve to claim ownership of their bodies and what will be their sexual lives, in my humble opinion.  Even if it is something small, empower yourself and those around you!
       -Amanda Anderson
What are your kids talking about?

"I am 44 years old and madly in love with my husband Greg and our blended family of 6 kids. Greg and I have successfully raised 5 kids into adulthood with one solitary girl left at home.  I semi-retired from the stressful automotive industry last year after a tough recovery from renal cancer, but I do work part time to keep my sanity!  I enjoy ANYTHING on the water and my husband and I spend every weekend we can on our boat.  Even when life is difficult I try to live my best life!"
-Amanda Anderson

Shall We Dance?

       I have two children, both boys, and they bless me every day.  They are my world, my existence, my love place.  After the birth of my second son I found that quite a few people were asking me if I was going to have another.  "I just had this one," I would think, but I found myself answering that maybe we would try for a girl.  I did want a little girl, but as I conversed with my husband about conceiving another child, he got my mind to wondering.  He spoke very logically about money and time and sleep, and I was disappointed.  But why was I sad about not having another child?  I was already not sleeping at night and we were both stretched beyond the limit to give them the attention and support that they desired.  Then I started to feel guilty about my longing for another child.  It really wasn't fair to the baby that I just had to immediately have another one, because then he wouldn't ever have the one-on-one with mommy time that I desperately wanted to lavish upon him.  So WHY did I feel the need to have a little girl?  Letting myself sit in that question for a while, I allowed the answers to float around in my brain until I could reach up and grab the true one.  Because I wanted a miniature me, because I wanted to see what I would look like as a little girl, because I wanted to raise a little girl to breathe fire, because I wanted to instill the strength and confidence into a little person that I never had as a child, because I wanted to protect a little girl...because I wanted to protect MY little girl.  That was it!  I had my innocence snatched away at such a young age that I was never able to truly BE a little girl.  Well, that was indeed a purely selfish reason to have another child.  So now what?  I had to find my inner child.  I had to remember who I was before bad things happened in my life.  I had to remember what it was like to feel free.  But I needed a little help remembering.  Have you ever just sat and watched your children?  Like, REALLY watched?  Aren't they little gods?  The young ones, the ones who haven't been damaged by other people yet.  The ones who are still just themselves.  They are perfect, beautiful, and pure.  They wake up when they're ready to wake up, and sleep when they're ready to sleep, and eat when they're ready to eat.  They cry when their little feelings are hurt, they squeal with excitement at the smallest of delights, and they scream in anguish when they are frightened.  They wallow on the floor and eat dirt and splash in the mud.  They strip down naked and run around laughing at the pleasure that they feel as the wind whips around their bare butts.  They laugh without restraint and dance to music that isn't there.  They don't care about rules or manners, or anything that we think they should care about.  They care about how they feel and they long to explore the world around them.  Everything is new and magical to them.  Magic!  That's definitely it.  Children believe in things that we are taught can't exist, and they're happy with that.  Children don't know why the rain falls, nor do they care.  They only want to run and play in the puddles that collect in the street.  They don't care about the mess they're making, they care about the fun that they're having along the way.  As adults it isn't always feasible to strip down and roll in the dirt, but there comes a time when we have to remember who we were.  Only then can we heal from trauma and pain that happened along the way to adulthood.  We have to go back, back to a time when we were innocent and free and unconfined.  We have to learn not to care about other people's opinions of us once more.  We have to remember how to believe in magic and how to dance in the rain when the only music playing is in our hearts.
What's your child dancing to?

"Invisible Bruises- Defining And Escaping Abuse" with guest blogger Katie Pitzer Thorton

       I turned the corner of I-77 into Columbia.  It was 1:00 am.  I made it.  I made it out of a twenty year abusive relationship and I did not die.  I almost did.  I came close.  The sight of the city lights of downtown brought me to tears.  I pulled into my parent's driveway, walked over to my sister's house next door and began to tell her that I was drowning and had left.  She already knew that, she had watched me drown helplessly for two decades.
       This was a weekend trip from Florida for Father's Day.  My counselor had asked me to go alone.  I had brought my two youngest kids with me.  Their father was not capable of caring for them, but the older two would be fine for three days.  We stood in the kitchen the next day and my father said, "We're done here, right?"  I said, "Yes."  He immediately began sobbing with relief.  He had been on his knees for years over me.  He looked instantly ten years younger.
       The next week we returned and collected my other kids.  I took a leave of absence from work.  The counselor and my father-in-law removed him from our house.  My father-in-law stood on the front porch and told me he would be a "new man" in two weeks.  Six months later there was no new man.  He went to rehab for one day.
       When I would not return to pick up the pieces, my father-in-law took his son to an attorney friend's office and filed for the immediate return of my kids WITHOUT dissolution of marriage because, and I quote, "We believe with counseling, Kate can be restored to the marriage."  I hired a lawyer in Florida, gave half my paycheck for eighteen months, and went to court in Florida for almost two years.  I did not lose my children.  They do have to visit him.  He still endangers them.  His father still props him up.
       I was told that I could never divorce or leave him, no matter how hard it got, because God hates divorce.  As a result, I was guilted into twenty horrible years that almost physically killed me.  I developed a rare, deadly autoimmune disease I will receive treatment for forever.  The treatment is sixty thousand dollars a month.  It resulted in financial ruin.  It resulted in damaged kids.  My son in on the Autism spectrum, and because I was made to homeschool him with no money, support, or resources because he said the world was evil, he is severely behind.  I am having to climb the corporate ladder all over again at 44 because I had to stay home for seven years.  Only bad mothers work.  That's what his mother told me for years.  Someone in the household has to work, my husband would not.  Thus the financial ruin.
       I was never validated by his family once I left.  They fought me legally.  Because I did not get physically hit they did not consider it abuse.  It was abuse.  The devastation is deep and long suffering.  I may have lost much, but I left.  I did it.  You can too.

Defining Abuse

       So what is abuse?  Your situation may be like mine, no bruises.  None that you can see anyway.  But the damage is just as devastating.  I suffered in many ways.

Emotional abuse:  In the beginning of the relationship I was the most amazing thing.  I was "needed" on the phone at all hours.  There were cards and letters, dates.  But early on emotional control began.  I remember one night I went to dinner with my family and he flipped out because he couldn't find me, even calling off the engagement.  I learned to isolate myself from others to keep him #1.  Nothing was ever his fault.  I was always just being unreasonable.  Time with family or friends became such a fight emotionally I stopped trying.  Everyday was a fight over the dumbest things.  I would end each day exhausted.  

 Any behavior that manipulates your emotions and thoughts is abuse.  Constantly having to make concessions in the relationship is abuse.  Emotional abuse can be name calling, threats, teasing, putting you down, or telling you that you do everything wrong.  You could not possibly make it on your own.

Physical abuse:  Pushing, hitting, slapping, or any contact that brings you harm or is against your will is abuse.  It will happen again, no matter the promise that it will not.  It will happen to your kids if it happens to you.  Covering up bruises or marks is not okay.  It's time to end it.

Sexual abuse:  Making you watch pornography, making you do things you are not comfortable with, or affairs is abuse.  Texting other women, getting or sending pictures, or forcing you in any way is abuse.  Inappropriate behavior with your or someone else's children is also abuse and must be dealt with immediately.

Financial abuse:  This was a huge one for me.  He was underemployed or unemployed for years.  We lived in very little.  He felt God had him "in a season of life".  That was total bull because we had four small kids.  They needed to eat.  I would get him a job online and he would lose it within weeks.  He once lost a job at the pizza place for eating in the freezer!  Even still, I was to hand over babysitting money I earned to him and never see it again.  I had nothing.  I was not allowed to buy groceries.  He controlled all the shopping.  His answer for us was obsessive shopping at local food banks.  He would bring home dozens of bags of expired food and drop them in the floor for us to sort out.  He would then go get himself food out.  He also kept food hidden from us in his closet.

I once had a customer at the bank who had over a million dollars in his account.  His wife was allowed ONE account with less than a thousand dollars in it.  Her clothes were old and tattered.  Abuse!  Keeping you uniformed or away from financial decisions is abuse.  Giving you very little is abuse.  It keeps you controlled.  Then you can not leave.

Social abuse:  We were kept very isolated for a long time.  It did not help that I was always broke.  I had to ask permission to go anywhere.  Nobody came over.  He had no friends or outside purpose in life.  He did not wash a dish, cut the grass, do laundry, or fix any meals.  I did all of it.  He sat in his room and sorted through his prescriptions.  I was given 14 days a year to see my family.  Isolation kills.  You may find yourself with no help or resources at all.  That is where an abuser wants you.  Weak.  Stalking your social media accounts, controlling them, flying off the handle with absurd jealousy, or reading all your texts or emails is abuse.  That is keeping absolute control over you.

Religious abuse:  I include this one because, for some of us, this is a hard reality.  God, the bible, or church is used as a tool to abuse or enable abuse.  My father-in-law was an elder in our church.  He had a lot of pull.  Any counseling sought was controlled by him.  I even had the promise of my bills being paid if I only did what he wanted.  My ex, his family, and the church used bible verses to make sure I knew just how much I needed to "submit" to my husband, and how much "God hates divorce".  Let me tell you, God hates abuse.

Verbal abuse:  Yelling, name calling, belittling, putting you down- all is abuse.  Subtly telling you that you are nothing and you will never go anywhere is abuse.

Now what?

So you have identified with so much of what I have just described.  Now what?  Identifying is step one.  There is a description of abuse in which victims are likened to a boiling frog.  If you put a frog into boiling water he is going to jump out right away.  If you put a frog into room temperature water and slowly turn up the heat that frog is going to boil to death.  Why?  It was so gradual.  The frog did not even realize it was dying.  It is the same for us.  We go into a situation with all sorts of histories and backgrounds that make us vulnerable people-pleasers.  We want the dream, and personality disorders promise to deliver!  But they don't.  Slowly we give up ourselves and lose who we are.  Eventually we are surviving, and what seemed horrible before is now normal for us.  It is why we stay so long.

Climbing out

       In my story I went along with my ex, who was in counseling because he wanted to write a book (ha!), and the counselor was publishing one at the time.  After a few sessions, the counselor requested me.  I was hesitant.  After all, I did not want a counselor to tell me it was my fault AGAIN.   One day the dam broke.  I could not bear it anymore.  I cried through two hours of revealing what this monster had been doing to me and my kids.  He ordered my ex out of the room.  He did not want to go.  This was it.  No more control.  My counselor looked at me and said, "It ends today."  Finally, someone standing in the gap for me instead of watching me drown.  So many watched me drown.  That was the Thursday before I left for Columbia.
I have an amazing family.  It was no question where I would land.  In retrospect, I had been preparing for a while.  I had gotten a checking account and a credit card in just my name.  I put my papers in order.  All secretly.  Social security cards, birth certificates, shot records, important documents like tax records all in order.  It was a long climb out.  I had to find a job.  I had to enroll my kids in public school for the first time.  I had to take the blame from teachers for my son's delays.  I had to find a new doctor.  I had to scurry to find an infusion center because I can't go more than 14 days between treatments.  Then came custody battles two states away.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done.  But you know what?  I did it, and so can you.

Preparing

       Be careful!  Abusers are like cornered animals when threatened.  I know someone who's abuser tried to shoot her as she was leaving!  Prepare quietly and carefully if you are leaving under duress.  Planning is key.  Get your financials in order the best you can.  There are resources when you have nothing.  Get your important documents ready to go.  Remember: stuff is stuff.  What is important here?  You are, and your kids are.
Not everyone has parents or relatives willing to take in multiple people. Here are some resources for domestic abuse victims:

National Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or live chat via www.thehotline.org

They have folks willing to help you from start to finish, including local shelters or resources.

Try leaving when your abuser is not there.  It is just better to avoid confrontation.  After you leave you may be in shock for a while.  Use Google forums, support groups, and seek counseling when you can.  Self-care is critical here.  Rest, take a bath, take a nap, go for walks.  You will doubt yourself here, please don't.  You did the right thing.  Abusers do not change.  Not permanently.  It will resort back to abuse.  Facebook has tons of abuse support groups.  These were hugely helpful.  Do NOT date or enter relationships of any kind for a while.  Lonely or not, you need to heal.  Healing looks way different and takes way longer than you expect.  The key is TIME.
No contact!  If your abuser is friends with you on social media- unfriend!  Unfollow!  Don't look at it!  Only contact them if you must for communication about the kids.  And by that I mean factual stuff that is necessary.  You do not need to be chatting, talking, or communicating.  This is where abusers lure you back.  You are vulnerable at this stage.  No contact is the best policy.  You need space to heal.  You can not heal a wound that keeps getting smacked open.

Being a warrior

       If you are reading this and you are stuck in abuse, hopeless, not knowing where to go, there is hope.  You are stronger than you could ever imagine.  There are things you can do that will blow you away when you look back.  Your instincts, power, and drive is in there, it has just been beaten down in one way or another.  Reach out, do your research, plan your steps one at a time.  You can do this.  You can leave abuse and refuse to take it any longer.  You are a warrior.

       -Katie Pitzer Thorton

Do you have invisible bruises?

"I am a Senior Teller for South State Bank in Columbia, SC.  I live with my husband Todd and our Brady Bunch of 7 kids, 5 cats, 2 dogs, turtle, and bunny we recently passed on the road!  I have a massive support system of my parents and sister nearby and a mass of great friends.  I manage an ultra rare autoimmune disease on the side.  I also love to speak to people who have survived and endured abuse like I have.  My passion and hope is to encourage others who are suffering."
-Katie Pitzer Thorton

  

Screaming At Trees (Vishuddha)

       Does your chest ever feel so full that you might explode?  I sometimes find that I am full on the inside.  Full of swirling thoughts, anxieties, fears, insecurities, and anger.  These feelings can make it hard to get up and face the day, because it makes everything feel so big.  I'm unsure of myself; how can I face an entire planet full of people?  I followed my crawling toddler through a path in the woods today, and he led me into a clearing surrounded by trees.  The sun fell upon this circular clearing as if it were a spotlight on the stage of the earth.  I sat in the middle of the warm circle and sighed.  I needed to scream.  In fact, we all should have a good scream on the right regular.  The problem is that it feels silly at first.  Where do I go to scream where no one will hear me?  Because if they hear me then they'll look at me funny and then I'll feel stupid.  Who cares?!  Find a place!  Scream into your pillow, go out into the middle of the woods, stand at the edge of the roaring ocean, lock yourself in your car while you're speeding down the highway and just let it out!  A big issue that women face is not even knowing that they don't know how to voice themselves.  We have to find our voices!  Things happen to us and around us and we just keep it quiet like good little girls.  We never make a scene or air out our dirty laundry, just like we were taught.  When people ask us how we're doing we say, "fine," or "great, how about you?".  We don't really mean that shit.  What we actually want is to shout out every single thing that we've ever been upset about from the time we were born.  But we don't, so we struggle with social anxiety, dishonesty, stubbornness, untrustworthiness, verbal aggressiveness, lack of creativity, resentments, and fear of expressing our thoughts.  Maybe they really don't care how you feel, maybe if you speak your opinion they'll react negatively, but you have to get it out!  This week I want every woman to put their hands to their own throat and scream.  Scream loud, scream the way you used to when you were a little kid.  Feel silly?  Do it again!  And again, and again, and again until you feel strong!  Journal your feelings, laugh from your belly and say "thank you!" to the world.  Sing all of your favorite songs LOUDLY and without shame.  Even if no one around you appreciates your voice, I want you to know that I'm proud of you and I think that you're beautiful.  Drink water, imagine that all of your pain is being pushed into a tiny ball and throw that ball into the earth.  Surround yourself with the color blue, practice being assertive, and then spend time in silence.  After you get it all out, every little bit down to your toes, sit in silence and hear your thoughts.  Feel the relief in your body and the exhaustion of your consciousness.  Allow your inner voice to emerge and let it speak lovingly.  Speak your truth openly and freely, honor your own opinion, and allow your muscles to relax as your inner power strengthens you.  Imagine your young self between the ages of seven and twelve.  Whatever happened during this time that may have led you to feel unsafe, unheard, alone, and unimportant...let it go.  Forgive the people who gave you that feeling, and forgive yourself.  Cry when you want to cry, scream when you want to scream, and laugh when you want to laugh.  Give yourself the spiritual embrace that you deserve and be at peace.
What's your voice saying?

"White Woman Syndrome- This Woman's Journey Of Self Discovery" with guest blogger Ellie M. Bateman

       Growing up it was always my perception that I was a "white" child.  Being born in the heart of the nineteen sixties, even a child too young to verbalize it knew that being white spared you from being ridiculed and called unkind names by some of the other children on your block.  Around the time that I entered school I was starting to mimic parental behaviors, and fortunately my parents taught me that I was never to make fun of those different than myself, but rather to offer my friendship.  At this time began the early formation of character.  Fast forward many years; I am now middle-aged.  With both of my parents now passed away I feel compelled to understand my ancestral history all the more.  A generous gift from a wonderful friend allowed me the opportunity to discover the answers at Christmastime.  She purchased me gifts- one using 23andMe and one using Ancestry.  There were known factors, yes, and confirmation of my Native American heritage.  But I discover so much more!  All at once I know that I am of 28% African background, with most of that being from around the area of Kenya, and a trace of Ethiopian.  I am 12% Semitic, of a Spanish-Jewish line, 9% Lenape, and 5% Sioux.  I am not in fact a "white" girl, but rather a woman of many races who happens to be light complected.  What does this mean to me?  It means that along with the shame I carry that some of my European ancestors owned human beings and raped and otherwise tortured them, I also carry pride in the courage of my African ancestors.  It means that I am Jewish according to maternal heritage lines.  It means that I am of Spanish heritage.  Then there is my Native American heritage; such a rich and beautiful culture!  The most important thing it means is this: embrace all of it!  No matter what criticism it gets you from the racists and the bigots, for the women I came from were strong!  Sometimes if I listen in the silence, though you don't hear them, it is as though they whisper, "Find us!  Tell each story!  Because you are us and we are you!"  To every woman I say: take your own journey and find who you are!
       -Leslie Marie (Ellie M.) Bateman
What's your heritage?

   

Photo by Jessica Bigi

"My name is Leslie Marie Bateman, but some friends call me Ellie M. because my first name starts with an "L" and my middle name with an "M".  I like the nickname and invite new friends to use it as well.  My life is busy with budgets and dust rags and dishes.  Ode to joy!  My life is busy with gardening and reading and late night writing.  My children have red hair and tails.  The thing I value most is kindness.  I deeply love kids and animals and nature.  I am much concerned with the safety of women and children.  No one earns my trust if they don't give it as well.  I am a wonderful friend, or so I am told.  My wish for all?  Love and peace.  Go ahead and call me a tail-end baby boomer.  I don't mind, that is exactly what I am."  

-Leslie Marie Bateman AKA Ellie M.

The Masked Mirror

       The time has come for me to draw back the curtain and allow the masses to stare upon the face of a masked woman. Some of my social media followers may be surprised to find that my profile pictures are not actually of "me".  A hooded woman walks a field through my Instagram account while a tattoo'd woman stands guard at my Facebook page.  These women are not "Jain", but they are me, and I am you.  I have made the conscious decision not to openly advertise my face, because it is not what makes me who I am.  How can an Indian woman look upon one picture of a white woman and think, "that is my sister", and how can an Asian woman look upon a figure of an African-American woman and say, "she is my kin"?  THEY SHOULD, but the sad truth is that we are all a little selfish.  We are only human, and we make instantaneous judgments before we truly know the other persons story, the part of them that makes them like us.  I choose to shed my physical form so that I can easily relate to ALL women.  I do not want you to look at me and see white or black, skinny or fat, tall or short, pretty or ugly.  I want you to look at me and see a reflection of yourself.  We are all one woman.  We bring all of our colors and shapes and originality to this safe space.  We will look out upon the crowd of women in this place and smile with pride at the diverse authenticity that is our earth.  We can all bow our heads and allow our tears to mingle into one salty pool because we know that a common evil has ravaged us all.  But we still stand tall with our sisters to help hold us up!  I want to deeply apologize to anyone who feels shocked at learning the familiar form on my profile is not the true semblance of my face.  I know that it is hard to trust in this world, and I understand.  My intent is never to trick or hide, but only ever to empower and make myself human so that we can connect on a deeper level.  I will leave you with this challenge: open your heart.  I challenge you to accept yourself exactly as you are.  I challenge you to love every woman in this community just as they are.  I challenge you to embrace your originality as we nourish your uniqueness.  Only by holding onto what makes us special can we converge into one unit of womankind.  Convergence is defined as the tendency of unrelated animals and plants to evolve similar characteristics under similar environmental conditions.  My hope is that by supporting each other and encouraging each of the women in our community that we can all become of one mind.  We will not see color or body shape, but we will BE ONE.  We will BE REFLECTIONS of more than just the pain that we have all stumbled through, we will be reflections of STRENGTH, PURITY, and LOVE.  WE ARE EVERY WOMAN.  I would like to openly invite every woman to send me a picture of themselves.  I would like to use these photos as my profile picture so that every person who needs validation and gives support has a chance to be featured as a representation of who we are.  I would prefer all pictures to be of you doing something that you love, but with the focus being on something other than your face. We are all human, we are all perfect through our imperfections, and we are all ONE.
Who's in your mirror?

Please send all pictures to jainravensun@gmail.com