Extinguished - Step 6

       There has always been a fire in us, one that burns with a rage and a temper of wild proportions.  We hold this flame deep inside of ourselves where it can't be seen unless we allow it to be seen.  It is a damaging and destructive blaze that we let loose when we feel that we need protection.  Hurt and pain loosen the reins of our fingers from around this light, allowing it to burn brightly and scorch the ground that it feeds upon.  Unchecked this fire will sear the people around us and blow out of control of even ourselves, its master.  Once we've let the flame burn uncontrollably for any amount of time it is nearly impossible to catch this rebellious flare and temper it back down to that small glow that once sat beneath the surface.  That is where the sixth step comes into play:  “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”  We've already recognized that we are powerless over our pain or addiction and taken steps to allow healing into our lives through faith and admission.  We've looked at our lives and accepted that we need to change things, but the thing that we often don't think we need to change is our emotional patterns.  We know that if we're alcoholics that we should stop drinking and if we're addicts then we should stop doing drugs, but we never actually heal (and eventually relapse) if we don't change our life habits.  At this point we already recognize the behavior that harmed ourselves and our friends and family when we acted upon our character defects, but even when we're sober and withholding self-harm we still act on these habits, unless we rip those thoughts and patterns right out of our lives.  Change never happens overnight, it takes practice and new conditioning, hard work and conscious effort.  But what I think we should focus on the most during this sensitive time in our lives is the word "ready".  I am "ready" to change, "ready" to heal my life, "ready" to make amends with the people that I love, "ready" to forgive myself, "ready" to be a better person than I was yesterday.  You can't start a race until you're ready to begin, and you can't accept instruction unless you're ready to learn.  YOU CAN'T HEAL UNLESS YOU'RE READY TO LET GO OF YOUR PAIN.  Nothing in life will ever change unless we are ready for it to change.  It's about making a commitment, a pledge, a promise to ourselves and being patient with ourselves.  It's about being discontent with how we've managed our lives so far, but knowing that we can and will be better as we align ourselves into a place of humble love.  Being "ready" opens us up to prepare and make ourselves available for divine guidance as we aim for the very best of all we can learn and someday be.  Once we are "ready" we have set ourselves into a spiritual state of mind that sets the ground work for the higher power of our understanding to remove from our lives and minds that which is unhealthy and unhelpful for us and our lives.  We are aware of our character defects, tired of them and the pain they're causing, and we become confident in our future path.  We no longer rationalize and make excuses for the hurt that we once caused our family and friends, we no longer blame others for the current condition of our souls.  We are taking responsibility for the consequences of our actions and allowing our disorderly flame to be extinguished by the breath of renewal, forgiveness, and love.  We all have a light inside of us that shines forth to bring beauty and guidance into the world, a glow that will never go out because it shines from the depth of our souls.  The flame that we were unsuccessfully tempering was the fire lit by the chaos of the world, the darkness of the spirit, and the pain of contempt.  When we are ready to extinguish the flame of disdain then we will find that we can peacefully shine brighter than any blaze on the face of the earth.   
What's feeding your fire?

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
-Charles DuBois

When I Die...An Open Letter To My Family

       Death is a difficult concept for people to accept, no matter what you believe about the afterlife.  Even if you don't believe that death is the absolute end, there is still some fashion of finality there that saddens and burdens the soul.  There is an empty place in the hearts of the loved ones left behind where that person once took up space.  Now there is a hole there that can not be filled by anything else because that space was very specifically shaped.  That's okay, nothing else was meant to take that space.  That emptiness was left there so that we would continue to remember.  I would like to think that I have left a very "me" shaped hole in the hearts of those I love, and when I pass I hope that I have loved those people hard enough that they will miss my presence.  But I also hope that I have instilled enough of myself that they can feel the imprint of where I once was and smile in the sure knowledge of my wishes.  When I die I want my family to cremate me.  Don't spend tons of useless money on coffins and burials, just turn my body into ashes.  I want them to gather together, especially the family members who haven't spoken in years, and mourn together as one.  I want to bring my family closer together, and if that's something that can only be done through my death, then let it be.  I want them to remember who I was completely and wholly.  Remember the little person I was once, the evil that came, the mistakes I made, the strength it took to overcome, and who I flourished into.  I want each close family member, especially those struggling with the loss, to get a handful of my ashes to take home with them.  Right now I am speaking to my husband, my children, my father, my mother, my brothers, and my sisters.  Whenever it rains and you feel alone, stand in the downpour with your fist clenched around my body of ash and let the tears flow.  Let the water mix and turn me into mud in your fingers and cry and wallow in the rain until your eyes are dry and your clothes are drenched.  When you feel angry with me for leaving you in this world, take my ashes and throw them as hard as you can into the wind.  The breeze will carry me along the path that leads me back to you.  Scream into the currents of the air, let out your frustration until your body is too weak to hold a grudge.  And whenever the sun is shining, stand in its beams and toss my ashes into the air.  Remember the good times and how we laughed and danced together as my body falls to mix with the dirt under your feet.  Do these things to process and to grieve.  Do not go to the cemetery to tell me about your day, because I will not be there.  I will be wherever you keep me. I will be kissing your forehead when it rains, hugging your cheek when the wind blows, whispering secrets when the thunder strikes, and beaming down at you with love when the sun shines.  Most importantly, don't forget the music. Whether or not you choose to abandon all cares and move with the rhythm in your soul, don't forget to be true to the heartbeat that lies just beneath the surface of us all.
What's your will?

The Mystical Wild Woman

       We are a group of people held together by the rope of a common bond, whether it be because we were once trauma victims, addicts, self-harmers, or like minded souls in the pursuit of gender equality.  Regardless of what brought us here to heal, we ARE healing.  In the natural process of healing a wound we have to rip it open, feel the pain, cry it out, forgive, make amends, etc.  But I recently heard about a conversation between Byron Katie and a sexual assault victim that hit me deep in the gut.  Knowing that someone was raped in the past Katie asked, "How many times have you been raped?"  The woman answered that she had been raped once, to which Katie replied, "NO!  Every time you relive that moment in your mind it's happening over and over again."  Our pain is real and valid, but there is no helpful or loving reason to hold onto those thoughts forever.  The time has come to realize that our once upon a time happenstance is not our current circumstance.  Our past is not our present.  What we have been in our minds is not who we are!  We deserve so much more than what we give ourselves sometimes.  Is it possible that we can be exponentially greater than we are allowing ourselves to be because we are still mentally and emotionally living in our past traumas?  My wish is that, through the process of healing, I can be a better person than I ever was before.  I can be strong, brave, beautiful, wise, fulfilled, and magical.  I can accomplish anything that I dream, be anyone I can create, and inspire a fire with a spark of hope and love.

Colette Baron-Reid

 "This is the symbol of the mythmaker and story teller who is neither made of nor defined by the story.  Instead he observes it, evolves through it, perceives all aspects of it.  In so doing, the Mystical Shaman represents the ability to dream a new story, a new myth, into being...He reminds us to be in the world and travel through it, but not to be defined by it or become too attached to the experience."  "You are called to create and dream your life, to act on inspiration and divine impulse without fixating on a known story of success or achievement...Who would you become if you stopped telling the tales that have defined you up until now?  You do not have to live in a story that has roots in the past.  What if there were no need to explain you to anyone, not even to yourself?  The way to your most extraordinary life is to become a blank slate and allow the form of your dreams and desires to show up, as it will."

       Once my inner healing has begun I feel the desire to help others reach this green pasture of peace, but the reality is that WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OWN OWN HEALING.  When we seek relief we will only be given what we are open to receiving.  Sometimes our minds needs to grow more before a full healing is possible, and sometimes we may subconsciously not want to be healed.  What would be left to hide beneath?  We become comfortable wading in our black hole of grief, wearing it around our shoulders to comfort what's within.  We know that we want to feel better, but we have to be ready and willing to take the steps it requires to get there.  A journey is only as long as the travelers trek.  We don't fly until we've learned to crawl, walk, run, jump, and swim first.  Once we shed the heavy skin of victims blisters we will see the soft and tender flesh beneath.  If we can let go of what we have anchored ourselves to and cried over for so many years and take a brave step forward then the real work towards becoming who we were put on this earth to be can truly begin.  We were born for a purpose, with a gift, individual and beautiful to share with the world.  We are all birthed to attain two objectives: a personal lesson to learn during this lifetime and then also a world goal to accomplish using the reach of our inherent skills.  I think that for a lot of us overcoming abuse or addiction IS the lesson that we were meant to learn.  Oh, how much have we learned!  We've mastered pain, hopelessness, powerlessness, rejection, loss, solace, aspiration, control, acceptance, and triumph.  Now we must find our magic and share it with the world.  There is a glitter about you that can be showered upon the heads of the broken, a fire within that can warm the hands and hearts of those who don't yet know that there's even hope for them.  We listen to our desires, trust our intuition, and dance in the joy and madness that is freedom from the burden of being who others ineffectively tried to make us become.       

Colette Baron-Reid

"When Wild woman dances in..., she reminds you of the essence of authenticity and freedom.  Divested of all social constraint and cultural conformity, the Wild Woman holds up a mirror to your essential self- the true essence of who you are and who you're meant to become.  She is a reminder of the bright light within each of us that gets dimmed by the restrictions imposed upon us by the expectations of society.  She reminds us that in order to be fully present to life, we must uncover that light and let it shine brightly...you're invited to shine brightly and to know that your true self is being called out to engage the world.  Your authentic self doesn't fit in a box; it needs the freedom to shine... The Wild Woman says, 'Shine brightly, dance with abandon, be yourself, and let the Great Spirit decide what happens.'"

Who will you become?