Extinguished - Step 6

       There has always been a fire in us, one that burns with a rage and a temper of wild proportions.  We hold this flame deep inside of ourselves where it can't be seen unless we allow it to be seen.  It is a damaging and destructive blaze that we let loose when we feel that we need protection.  Hurt and pain loosen the reins of our fingers from around this light, allowing it to burn brightly and scorch the ground that it feeds upon.  Unchecked this fire will sear the people around us and blow out of control of even ourselves, its master.  Once we've let the flame burn uncontrollably for any amount of time it is nearly impossible to catch this rebellious flare and temper it back down to that small glow that once sat beneath the surface.  That is where the sixth step comes into play:  “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”  We've already recognized that we are powerless over our pain or addiction and taken steps to allow healing into our lives through faith and admission.  We've looked at our lives and accepted that we need to change things, but the thing that we often don't think we need to change is our emotional patterns.  We know that if we're alcoholics that we should stop drinking and if we're addicts then we should stop doing drugs, but we never actually heal (and eventually relapse) if we don't change our life habits.  At this point we already recognize the behavior that harmed ourselves and our friends and family when we acted upon our character defects, but even when we're sober and withholding self-harm we still act on these habits, unless we rip those thoughts and patterns right out of our lives.  Change never happens overnight, it takes practice and new conditioning, hard work and conscious effort.  But what I think we should focus on the most during this sensitive time in our lives is the word "ready".  I am "ready" to change, "ready" to heal my life, "ready" to make amends with the people that I love, "ready" to forgive myself, "ready" to be a better person than I was yesterday.  You can't start a race until you're ready to begin, and you can't accept instruction unless you're ready to learn.  YOU CAN'T HEAL UNLESS YOU'RE READY TO LET GO OF YOUR PAIN.  Nothing in life will ever change unless we are ready for it to change.  It's about making a commitment, a pledge, a promise to ourselves and being patient with ourselves.  It's about being discontent with how we've managed our lives so far, but knowing that we can and will be better as we align ourselves into a place of humble love.  Being "ready" opens us up to prepare and make ourselves available for divine guidance as we aim for the very best of all we can learn and someday be.  Once we are "ready" we have set ourselves into a spiritual state of mind that sets the ground work for the higher power of our understanding to remove from our lives and minds that which is unhealthy and unhelpful for us and our lives.  We are aware of our character defects, tired of them and the pain they're causing, and we become confident in our future path.  We no longer rationalize and make excuses for the hurt that we once caused our family and friends, we no longer blame others for the current condition of our souls.  We are taking responsibility for the consequences of our actions and allowing our disorderly flame to be extinguished by the breath of renewal, forgiveness, and love.  We all have a light inside of us that shines forth to bring beauty and guidance into the world, a glow that will never go out because it shines from the depth of our souls.  The flame that we were unsuccessfully tempering was the fire lit by the chaos of the world, the darkness of the spirit, and the pain of contempt.  When we are ready to extinguish the flame of disdain then we will find that we can peacefully shine brighter than any blaze on the face of the earth.   
What's feeding your fire?

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
-Charles DuBois

The Wounded Child (Anahata)

       "Fear is the heart of love," I swayed as she sang along to her husband strumming his guitar, "so I never went back..." a sad line to croon, but later that day I thought it to be true.  An argument between my own partner and I led to a hurtful exchange of words that left me sitting with a deep pain in my chest.  I quietly realized that the pain was wrenching in the area of my heart as I thought about the words that hurt me, but as I turned everything over in my brain I noticed that the pain began to move.  My segmented thoughts grew into sentences and unspoken retaliations that pushed the pain up into my throat.  I felt choked on the words that I wasn't speaking, and the more I suppressed my distress the more resentment seemed to build.  As the animosity grew and settled, the pain slowly fell into my bellybutton where my energy is affected by my relationships.  Of course my husband and I worked things out within minutes, but I felt that I suddenly understood myself a little better because of this interchange.  Our thoughts, words, and actions (or lack thereof) can either empower us or suck the life energy straight from our bodies.  Why did I continue negative thought patterns and self-harming belief systems?  Fear.  Jealousy, bitterness, anger, hatred, and the inability to forgive grow directly out of anxiety, crippling our hearts to its true purpose in the divine intention of our lives.  Lucky for us that love, compassion, confidence, hope, forgiveness, dedication, inspiration, trust, and the ability to heal can pour forth from our hearts to endlessly nurture our life force.
       The heart is the energy center that separates the physical from the spiritual.  The lower three chakras are based in physical, emotional, and mental aspects of the somatic realm, whereas the higher three chakras are based in the spiritual realm.  The heart is the transforming agent between the higher and lower worlds- isn't that beautiful?  In order for the spiritual to become physical it must pass through the heart, and in order for the physical to become spiritual the heart must transform it.  Love is the power of the divine.  Love goes beyond the sacrament of marriage, it is the internal union of the self and the soul, the true motivator of the human body and spirit.  Unconditional love, love in its purest form, is what gives us the ability to forgive others, ourselves, and fuel inner peace as we release the need to evoke justice and trust in the divine plan.  To embrace our pure power we must have the courage to listen to our hearts emotional messages and inner instructions.  The "wounded child" is what Caroline Myss calls the damaged emotional patterns, negative attitudes, dysfunctional self-images, and painful memories that develop within us during our childhoods.  She believes that a child who fears abandonment can become a jealous adult, a sexually abused minor can grow into a sexually dysfunctional grown-up, and a negative self-image can turn a healthy person into an alcoholic, bulimic, or anorexic.  Loving ourselves means letting go of that wounded child's authority over us and rocking our emotions until the tears stop flowing.  Someone who was abused many years ago can hurt themselves even more by reliving that abuse in their own minds every day of their lives until they are crippled from the pain of the memory.  Self-love means forgiving others, because our wounds don't hurt the people who hurt us, they only hurt us.  Our wounded child sees the world as working in a reward/punishment system, but a fully functioning Anahata moves past needing explanations and views life through fulfilling consciousness, not fear.  The word Anahata translates from Sanskrit as "UNHURT", the spiritual place where past experiences and grievances cannot harm us.  I will be fully open to giving and receiving love.  I will instantly forgive, not only others, but myself as well.  I love myself unconditionally.  I love others unconditionally.  Love is my guiding truth, my hearts desire, and my joy.  I will live gratefully, because it is safe for me to love and be loved.  I will have unconditional compassion for myself and others as I free myself from past hurts.  For "we will all have experiences meant to 'break our hearts'- not in half but wide open."
Is your wounded child still crying?

Music by Mary and Martin Callozzo

What No One Tells You About Yourself

You are beautiful

You are good

You are prolific

You are kind

You are smart

You are wise

You are powerful

You can do this

You are strong

Your scars are inspiring stories

Your tears are lovely legacies

Your body is without flaw

You are perfectly you

We are all gems in the crown of the goddess

The moon reflects your inner love

The sun shines just to look upon your face

The grass rises to meet your gentle feet

Because there is no one else like you

You feel because you are connected to me

I smile because I am connected to you

You hurt because your heart carries more love than your human mind can conceive

I laugh because I know your walls don't protect you, they just keep you in

You can come out

It's okay to step out into the unknown

Hold your head high while you bare your chest

Let the world see you

The real you

Because the real you is more than enough

You are perfect

I will stand with you

You are everything

And everything is you

Don't forget that you have wings my dear

Remember that you already possess within you the very magic you long for

You are an irresistible and eloquent force unto yourself

You are imperative, filled with essential might

You are unrivaled

You are the unbroken product of the Creator

You are Woman

"To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person that you are."
- Sholem Asch

Blinded- Step 4

    In the fourth step of our life changing journey we will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  That sounds pretty self-damning when we say it that way.  A lot of us are recovering drug addicts, alcoholics, or may simply be working these steps as a means of emotional support and healing, so what good does it do to beat ourselves up with our own mistakes over and over again?  We must realize that this step of healing is about ripping off the band-aid, and it is the beginning of the deep wading through our murky souls.  Why did we turn to drugs to begin with?  Why do we hurt inside?  Why are we sad on happy days?  Why do we cry when nothing is outwardly wrong?  We've spent our whole lives until this moment blinding ourselves to what hurts our hearts, trying not to feel that pain anymore.  For people who grew up in a rough environment it was a means of survival, for adults who went through trauma it was a way to protect themselves.  Aren't we tired of blindly stumbling through life with our stone walls and high towers?  Yes, they have protected us in the past, but those same walls have also kept us in, kept us from growing into who we were meant to be.  The lack of sunshine beneath our self-made cement prison has stunted our spiritual and emotional growth without allowing us the much needed oxygen and nutrients to actually heal from what hurt us in the first place.  We turn to outside means to make us feel better because we never actually healed; we never moved on even though we ignored and pushed down that pain over and over again.  The only way to truly move on from our secret pain is to admit that our pain is really there and allow ourselves to FEEL it.  This step was critical in my healing process, and "The Pig on My Porch" is based on my journey and inspired by this step.  I began with writing about the first memory that I had deep within my psyche.  I was reminded of childhood play, secret desires, my shortcomings, hidden disappointments, and then as I grew I came to chapters that were a little harder to get through.  I wrote about the death of my mother, my sexual abuse, low self-esteem and mental health, domestic violence, and addiction.  I let one hurtful memory after another build chapter upon chapter until I had written hundreds of pages.  An amazing thing began to happen as I forced myself to recall every outstanding personal experience- by the end of each chapter I was able to look at my memories with clear eyes.  I was able to relive each recollection and feel those feelings in a way that respected my younger self, but with an adults mind and a fresh perspective.  By the end of my book I was finally able to see things the way that they really were, not just for me, but for everyone involved.  By the time I had transcribed all of my thoughts and emotions onto the once blank pages and placed that final period, I was able to do the most miraculous thing: UNDERSTAND and FORGIVE.  I had to look at my deepest secrets, my worst pain, feel it, sit in it, and then let it go.  Maybe a lot of what happened to us in our lives hadn't been our fault, we were the victims, the hurt ones.  But by pushing down our pain and ignoring what our soul is telling us is wrong we somehow become someone that we don't recognize.  We go from the victim to the culprit without realizing it, because we go to extraordinary measures to stop feeling what hurts.  It's time to look directly into that black pool of torment and calm the storm.  It's okay to let ourselves feel the pain that we've been running from, because only then can we transform from the wounded to the liberated.
What are you hiding from?

Sciamachy
   (n.)  A battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow 

10 Lies I Still Believe

       Tree rings form through time, like years of life, weathering the storms and withstanding the elements that beat down upon its branches.  Each new year that passes leaves a ring within the soul of that tree that carries the imprint of its existence for eternity.  A year without rain leaves behind a ring thin and sickly, while a favorable growing season leaves behind a thick and rich ring.  The inside of the tree trunk cannot be seen until the tree is cut in half, revealing the scars and stories of each year of its life.  It is easy to see where the tree suffered in its surroundings and where it flourished through a season.  We too, through each season of life, carry the imprints of our struggles and graces upon our souls.  We are born a blank canvas and with each year that passes we emotionally grow a little and become weak, or we grow largely and heartily.  But grow we must and it doesn't stop.  And when our weather is bad we can wither on the inside.  Take a trans-section of your heart and you can see every part of love and pain, every time you were hurt.  What's harder to do is to look inside of ourselves and realize that a lot of our pain and stormy weather stemmed from lies.  People have lied to you, they have lied to me, and we have believed them.  When we were too loud or too wild people told us things about ourselves to make us easier for them to deal with, and we took that upon ourselves as truth.  Each experience that we've had in our lives is what makes us who we are; each tree ring makes a whole tree.  We listen to other people make us smaller and water us down until we can be deemed acceptable and appropriate, until we forget that we are wonderful the way we are.  We forget to treat ourselves the way that we would treat someone that we love.  If I pay attention to the way that I doubt and second-guess myself it's easy to see which lies from other people that I have believed, and still do believe, though I try to fight against the fear.  I will try to recognize the untruths that have held me down for so long and empower myself by chanting my own powerful mantras in reassurance of my own strength and beauty.

Lie 1. Don't air your dirty laundry - The biggest problem that I find with being raised as a polite young lady is that we are taught not to talk about bad things.  When bad things happen we keep them quiet and when people do wrong things we ignore it.  We should be learning the opposite of that.  If something bad happens to us we need to speak up immediately!  And if someone does something wrong we should definitely say something.  A loving relationship, whether within the family, among friends, or within the confines of self-love, tells us that we should always stand up for what we know is right and good.  I will not make myself seem more appropriate for your pleasure.  I am allowed to feel unhappy, especially if I am unhappy with the person in front of me.

Lie 2. You're not that kind of girl - I am whatever kind of girl I want to be.  If that's a good girl, then I will do morally good things.  Having natural and normal relations does not make me any "kind" of girl.

Lie 3. You should wear your hair down - I was told this a lot in school, to the point where I began thinking about what other people thought of my looks when I got ready in the mornings.  So I wore my hair down to please the people who needed that of me, only for other people to tell me that they liked my hair up better.  I will wear my hair, and my clothes, and my EVERYTHING exactly the way I want to.

Lie 4. You've changed - That's okay.  Change is good.  But I have found that, while this feels like a hurtful statement for someone to make about you at the time, the only people who usually use this statement do so because you're not giving them what they want.  That's okay.

Lie 5. You're no fun - So shoot me.  We all want to be the fun friend and have people rally to our sides because they like to be around us.  But I will not compromise myself, my morals, or my wants and needs to make you happy with me.  I do not need your approval that badly.

Lie 6. You look good, but... - Stop.  Just stop.  Don't judge me, don't compare me, don't tell me how I should change myself.  I am me.  I am perfect.  I don't need to be different.  I don't need more make-up or nicer clothes or even to brush my hair.  I am myself, and that's all I need to be.

Lie 7. Ladies don't act like that - I am a lady, anatomically and mentally.  However I act, whether I'm cussing or yelling or burping or playing football, HOWEVER I ACT I am still a lady.  I do not have to be any certain way to define my gender.

Lie 8. Don't be selfish - Let's just be selfish sometimes.  We get so lost in being not selfish that we forget to take care of ourselves.  I'm a mother, giving all day and all night.  Giving my time, energy, money, body, patience, my everything.  Sometimes I need to just stop and take care of myself.  Only then can I continue to lovingly and wholeheartedly care for my loved ones.  And once again, I have found that many people who say these words say it as means of manipulation for personal gain.  I will keep my boundaries, lovingly.

Lie 9. You're a handful - I will not water myself down.  I will not make myself small enough to fit into the boxes that other people want to squeeze me into.  When we are children people tell us these things and we feel that we are hard to handle.  I have grown into an apologetic adult who feels guilty for being true to myself because other people may not like the unadulterated me.  I am afraid that I cannot keep a partner, or that I will drive my loved ones away if I show people exactly who I am.  I can't do that anymore.  If they love me, we will coexist and we will handle each other.  How else can we truly love someone?  How can we love someone if we don't know who they are?  How can we love someone 100% if they only show us 75%?

Lie 10. You're too sensitive - I will not apologize for feeling.  The people of planet earth would greatly benefit from feeling their feelings, thinking about them honestly, working through them, and then sharing those thoughts and that healing process with others.  I am sensitive.  I feel.  I am MEANT to feel.  That was a gift given to me divinely.

       People lie to us our whole lives.  They may not even know that they are lying to us to make themselves feel better, to keep their own feelings safe.  People may not realize how much of an impact their words and actions affect the people around them.  I have scarred tree rings surrounding my heart from the hurtful fear of others, and I no doubt have withered other people through my own insecurity as well.  I will begin to treat myself at the standard of care that I want others to treat me.  I will not compromise, and I will continue to flourish and to grow.  I will recognize the pain in others and try my best to nourish their roots, and I will allow them to rest in the shade of my branches while I breathe in the pain around me and breathe out understanding and love.
What lies do you believe?

“Peel me back.  I don't want anyone to fall in love with whatever pretty lie that they may find above.  No.  I need someone to look beyond my flesh and see beneath my bones, and to fall in love with the beauty and filth of the raw mess that they find inside.  So peel me back and see just how beautiful my tragedy can be.”
- Becca Lee

Find Me

       Some days I find myself rushing through my life with purpose and drive.  I know where I'm headed and what step to take next to get where I'm going to be.  Other days I find myself struggling just to get from one moment to the next.  Some days I am strong and full of life, ready for new experiences.  Other days I find it hard to breathe just thinking about the fact that I'll have to go somewhere unfamiliar and be around other people.  I have been free of my abuser for over fourteen years now, and most days I think nothing of my past.  But some days I find myself smiling a little slower, my heart a little heavier, and my mouth a little quieter.  Some days I still flinch as the sun glints off of a belt buckle worn by a random passerby, and my heart skips a few beats at the sound of a raised voice.  Some days I find myself memorizing the make, model, and license plate of the car driving in front of me.  Not because I have a great memory, but because I subconsciously think that they may be on the way to commit a crime, or maybe they have a girl in their trunk who's fighting to get out and I'll have to testify in court one day.  For some people it may appear that I'm having irrational thoughts, but for me those thoughts were once a very real part of my everyday life.  Some days I know that I'm doing my best, but other days I need a helping hand.  Some days I find myself asking my son if he feels safe, if he has everything that he needs, and if he knows that I love him.  Some days I find myself looking for problems that aren't real in my marriage, because it's hard for me to trust that my partner doesn't secretly want to hurt me.  Some days I don't care how I look because I think that I can finally be comfortable with who I am.  Other days I find myself staring blankly at my skin, remembering the blood that once trickled through the little blonde hairs.  I often smile freely and dance without restraint whenever given the opportunity, but some days I find myself struggling to feel free and wondering if I'll always carry this pain.  Some days I find myself wishing that things in my life had gone very differently for my younger self, but other days I run my fingers over my scars and know that I am perfect.  I will never personally thank my abuser for the suffering that he caused; the shattering of my body and my mind.  But some days I find myself thanking the spiritual forces that be for bringing me to a place of continual healing.  I have a story, one that many other people have as well.  Every person on earth is on their own journey; no one can truly save anyone else.  Each person must walk their own path and choose their own healing.  While I sometimes sit in the sun and bask in the fun of the lighthearted and the unscathed, I often find myself curled up in the shade feeling every emotion and having to fight against each stray thought.  This is what makes it worth all of the pain.  Because the people who need help are not the ones out dancing in the sun, they're the ones hiding in the corner shadows.  I may not ever truly be able to pick someone up and carry them back into the light, or lay my hand on their wounds and heal them, but I can rest well at night knowing that, if only for a few moments, I stood in the shadows with those hurting people and held their hearts within my own.
Where do you find yourself?

Photo by Alessandra Vidotto

The Anatomy Of A Teardrop

       It starts on the inside.  Deep within, a heaving and choking in the innermost parts of the heart.  It slowly works its way up, burning the throat and suffocating the breath.  Burrowing through the tunnels of the face it ravages the smile and tears at the eyes, struggling and wrenching its way to the windows of the soul.  It floods the glass panes, blurring reality and drowning composure.  With a final explosion of pain it bursts through the casement like a typhoon of emotion wrapped in a single pool of mirrored sentiment.  Though small and beautiful, it alludes to the entirety of life in a single unique shape.  Within its shallow depths lurk the fathomless storm of rage, hurt, doubt, joy, fear, and hope.  It's okay to fall down, to make mistakes, to lay on the floor and sob.  It's okay to be hurt, to care, to worry.  It's okay to need, to desire, and to let your guard down.  It's okay to fail, to feel, to scream.  It's okay to run for a while, to hide for a time, to detach for a phase.  It's okay to feel it all and let your mind run wild.  It's okay to be aware of your sadness, shortcomings, disappointments, defeats, and deficiencies.  It's okay to not feel good enough, loved enough, wanted enough, worth enough.  It's okay to wonder if you'll ever make it, ever be someone, ever make a difference.  It's okay to disbelieve, to distrust, to feel alone.  It's okay to be ashamed, be disgusted, be envious.  It's okay to carry helplessness, to suffer, to weep, despair.  It's okay to be overwhelmed, underwhelmed, surprised, indifferent, numb.  It's okay to wish you were different, looked different, acted different.  It's okay to wish you were the same, looked the same, acted the same.  It's okay to not know, not know who you are, or why.  It's okay not to know what you believe, what you stand for, to hesitate.  It's okay to love, to hope, persevere.  It's okay to cry, just let the tears fall like painful raindrops.  It's okay to struggle for breath, to be tired of trying, to want to give up.  It's okay to fall down; it's NOT okay to stay down.  It's not okay to give up on yourself.  Don't give up.

JUST BREATHE

Just. Breathe.

just breathe

just breathe

just breathe

just breathe

just breathe

just breathe;  

The Tear... Drawing by Rima V

Insanity- Step 2

       The second step to recovery is the knowledge that we "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".  I don't belive that I'm INsane, but what does it mean to be SANE?  The definition of sanity is the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner.  I can nitpick anything to death, so let's go ahead and overlook the word "normal", purposefully choosing not to confine ourselves to societal standards, and focus on the word "rational".  The dictionary defines rational as action based on, or in accordance with, reason or logic.  Synonyms include sensible, reasonable, intelligent, prudent, practical, down-to-earth, etc.  That makes a little bit more sense; I've been known to be a little...unreasonable at times.  But since we're applying these steps to our personal lives, let's take a closer look at what makes a person seem insane.  The western world holds mental health to a completely different standard than the shamanic societies of our indigenous ancestors and peoples of Asia, Africa, and Australasia.  People around here hear the word "shaman" and think of demons and witchcraft.  Shamans are simply people who were thought to have access to, and influence in, the spirit realm, much like we rely on our preachers to do.  Shamans and pastors are alike because they both believe that in order to heal mental illness one must mend the soul, thus restoring balance and wholeness.  The difference is shamans believe that in order to understand sickness that they must first become sick. To become a healer, they must first heal.  In this sense, shamans view mental illness as the "birth of a healer".  Wow!  In western civilizations we take people with mental and behavioral disorders and try to "make it stop".  We prescribe medications or lock them away in an attempt to make the symptoms disappear.  A shaman will take a mentally ill person and try to merge their physical selves with their spiritual selves in order to heal their psyche.  They believe that what causes a person to feel depressed, anxious, hear voices, or act out is the result of a spiritual being trying to get a message through to our world.  This causes a disruption in the human consciousness that results in fear and confusion.  We don't have to completely believe in the shamans view, but doesn't it make a little sense?  Pay attention to the people around you.  The most sensitive people are the ones who act tough, like nothing bothers them, and quite possibly they may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the overwhelming emotions that they feel.  But what if these people, the "empaths" if you will, have a higher purpose?  What if they learned to accept the fact that they have a huge influx of feelings and energy from the people around them and they chose to FEEL those feelings?  They could really change the world through kindness and empathy.  The cockiest of people are the ones who can't bear to sit alone with themselves in the darkness.  The rudest people are the ones who are trying to protect themselves from all of the hurt inside.   There is an aligning that needs to happen within ourselves.  A connection between our spiritual and physical selves that can only be achieved through accepting that our hurt is actually a GIFT designed to channel through us to help others.  Self-harm and suicide are nothing to play with; please seek help if these are thoughts that you are having.  It is a long road to mental healing.  But once we learn to accept ourselves, align our spiritual energy, and TRULY HEAL, then we can allow the birth of our inner healer to touch the lives of the broken.
What's your insane gift?