10 Lies I Still Believe

       Tree rings form through time, like years of life, weathering the storms and withstanding the elements that beat down upon its branches.  Each new year that passes leaves a ring within the soul of that tree that carries the imprint of its existence for eternity.  A year without rain leaves behind a ring thin and sickly, while a favorable growing season leaves behind a thick and rich ring.  The inside of the tree trunk cannot be seen until the tree is cut in half, revealing the scars and stories of each year of its life.  It is easy to see where the tree suffered in its surroundings and where it flourished through a season.  We too, through each season of life, carry the imprints of our struggles and graces upon our souls.  We are born a blank canvas and with each year that passes we emotionally grow a little and become weak, or we grow largely and heartily.  But grow we must and it doesn't stop.  And when our weather is bad we can wither on the inside.  Take a trans-section of your heart and you can see every part of love and pain, every time you were hurt.  What's harder to do is to look inside of ourselves and realize that a lot of our pain and stormy weather stemmed from lies.  People have lied to you, they have lied to me, and we have believed them.  When we were too loud or too wild people told us things about ourselves to make us easier for them to deal with, and we took that upon ourselves as truth.  Each experience that we've had in our lives is what makes us who we are; each tree ring makes a whole tree.  We listen to other people make us smaller and water us down until we can be deemed acceptable and appropriate, until we forget that we are wonderful the way we are.  We forget to treat ourselves the way that we would treat someone that we love.  If I pay attention to the way that I doubt and second-guess myself it's easy to see which lies from other people that I have believed, and still do believe, though I try to fight against the fear.  I will try to recognize the untruths that have held me down for so long and empower myself by chanting my own powerful mantras in reassurance of my own strength and beauty.

Lie 1. Don't air your dirty laundry - The biggest problem that I find with being raised as a polite young lady is that we are taught not to talk about bad things.  When bad things happen we keep them quiet and when people do wrong things we ignore it.  We should be learning the opposite of that.  If something bad happens to us we need to speak up immediately!  And if someone does something wrong we should definitely say something.  A loving relationship, whether within the family, among friends, or within the confines of self-love, tells us that we should always stand up for what we know is right and good.  I will not make myself seem more appropriate for your pleasure.  I am allowed to feel unhappy, especially if I am unhappy with the person in front of me.

Lie 2. You're not that kind of girl - I am whatever kind of girl I want to be.  If that's a good girl, then I will do morally good things.  Having natural and normal relations does not make me any "kind" of girl.

Lie 3. You should wear your hair down - I was told this a lot in school, to the point where I began thinking about what other people thought of my looks when I got ready in the mornings.  So I wore my hair down to please the people who needed that of me, only for other people to tell me that they liked my hair up better.  I will wear my hair, and my clothes, and my EVERYTHING exactly the way I want to.

Lie 4. You've changed - That's okay.  Change is good.  But I have found that, while this feels like a hurtful statement for someone to make about you at the time, the only people who usually use this statement do so because you're not giving them what they want.  That's okay.

Lie 5. You're no fun - So shoot me.  We all want to be the fun friend and have people rally to our sides because they like to be around us.  But I will not compromise myself, my morals, or my wants and needs to make you happy with me.  I do not need your approval that badly.

Lie 6. You look good, but... - Stop.  Just stop.  Don't judge me, don't compare me, don't tell me how I should change myself.  I am me.  I am perfect.  I don't need to be different.  I don't need more make-up or nicer clothes or even to brush my hair.  I am myself, and that's all I need to be.

Lie 7. Ladies don't act like that - I am a lady, anatomically and mentally.  However I act, whether I'm cussing or yelling or burping or playing football, HOWEVER I ACT I am still a lady.  I do not have to be any certain way to define my gender.

Lie 8. Don't be selfish - Let's just be selfish sometimes.  We get so lost in being not selfish that we forget to take care of ourselves.  I'm a mother, giving all day and all night.  Giving my time, energy, money, body, patience, my everything.  Sometimes I need to just stop and take care of myself.  Only then can I continue to lovingly and wholeheartedly care for my loved ones.  And once again, I have found that many people who say these words say it as means of manipulation for personal gain.  I will keep my boundaries, lovingly.

Lie 9. You're a handful - I will not water myself down.  I will not make myself small enough to fit into the boxes that other people want to squeeze me into.  When we are children people tell us these things and we feel that we are hard to handle.  I have grown into an apologetic adult who feels guilty for being true to myself because other people may not like the unadulterated me.  I am afraid that I cannot keep a partner, or that I will drive my loved ones away if I show people exactly who I am.  I can't do that anymore.  If they love me, we will coexist and we will handle each other.  How else can we truly love someone?  How can we love someone if we don't know who they are?  How can we love someone 100% if they only show us 75%?

Lie 10. You're too sensitive - I will not apologize for feeling.  The people of planet earth would greatly benefit from feeling their feelings, thinking about them honestly, working through them, and then sharing those thoughts and that healing process with others.  I am sensitive.  I feel.  I am MEANT to feel.  That was a gift given to me divinely.

       People lie to us our whole lives.  They may not even know that they are lying to us to make themselves feel better, to keep their own feelings safe.  People may not realize how much of an impact their words and actions affect the people around them.  I have scarred tree rings surrounding my heart from the hurtful fear of others, and I no doubt have withered other people through my own insecurity as well.  I will begin to treat myself at the standard of care that I want others to treat me.  I will not compromise, and I will continue to flourish and to grow.  I will recognize the pain in others and try my best to nourish their roots, and I will allow them to rest in the shade of my branches while I breathe in the pain around me and breathe out understanding and love.
What lies do you believe?

“Peel me back.  I don't want anyone to fall in love with whatever pretty lie that they may find above.  No.  I need someone to look beyond my flesh and see beneath my bones, and to fall in love with the beauty and filth of the raw mess that they find inside.  So peel me back and see just how beautiful my tragedy can be.”
- Becca Lee

Ode To Mittens

       My cat is missing.  She has been gone now for quite some time, but I still find myself calling her name at the back door before bed each night.  I still catch my son walking to the shed after school each afternoon to check if any of her food has been eaten.  It seems silly maybe, to care so much about a missing cat when there's so much hatred and foul play in the world.  But I can't help it, she was mine.  A neighbor of mine found her as a small kitten wandering the woods behind their house.  She was no more than two pounds, her white and calico fur matted to her tiny body, her tail crooked halfway down from a break that healed incorrectly.  My neighbor brought her to me because she feared that her dogs would kill the poor little thing before she'd had a chance to grow into the cat that she was to become.  My son took to her instantly, carrying her around the house like a baby.  He fashioned a tiny bed for the kitten using his stuffed dog's toy bed and a blanket, and pushed it up against his own bed where he could reach his slight hand down at night and feel her warm fur.  Much to my amusement, he named the miniature cat Mittens, even though all of her legs and paws were white, much like she was NOT wearing mittens.  She slept in his room for the first few weeks, never having to use her own legs because he would carry her up and down the stairs to bed.  He fed her, played with her, and snuggled into her thick fur like she was his best friend in the whole world.  And she loved him too, playfully chasing his heels while he got ready for school and sharing his pillow when she tired of her own bed.  One early morning my son came running into my bedroom, panting and frantic, terror-filled tears dropping down his normally serene cheeks.  When I calmed him enough to make out his words I discovered that the kittens tail had fallen off at the point where it had been broken before.  A laugh suddenly burst from my chest at the thought of my dear son thinking that he had pulled his cats tail off.  I explained to my puppy-eyed boy that her tail would have fallen off anyways and that he had done nothing wrong.  He seemed to feel better, but I noticed that he moved her bed a little closer to the closet that night.  After a few surgeries on her tail she was as good as new, and she became quite bobcat-like as she aged.  Her belly and hips rounded out, her nails grew long and sharp, and her piercing green eyes seemed wise and knowing.  Three months ago I could count seven cats that happily chose us to care for them and give them homes.  Mittens was the only female, which worried me slightly at first, but I quickly noticed how the male cats seemed to take a wide berth to avoid her.  She had grown to be the sassiest and strongest cat in the yard.  A slap to the face was an expected occurrence for any poor male who got a little too close to Mittens' perfectly groomed coat.  She didn't worry herself with people very often, ignoring me when I called for her and coyly walking away with a sway of her nubbed tail.  But when my son bellowed for her she would react like a little kitten again.  I could see her cheeky facade drop away as she mewed to him and raced to reach her food bowl before he could get there to fill it.  Yes, Mittens was more than a cat.  She was a family member, a friend, a being with feelings and a soul, a memory.  The last time I remember seeing her was on a Thursday night.  I came into the kitchen after laying the baby down and looked through the window while I rinsed out his bottle.  Mittens was sitting primly, with her front paws perfectly together, beneath a beam of moonlight.  She seemed to be staring straight at me from across the yard.  I immediately felt a stabbing pain of sadness.  I was unsure of why, maybe I felt guilty that I did not invite her inside so late at night, or maybe something inside me knew that would be the last time I would ever look upon her sapient face.  I turned my gaze away from her ghostly form and continued with my nighttime routine, pushing her image from my brain.  By morning she was gone.  I have searched the woods behind the house, calling her name for hours and even braving the neighbors to ask if they'd seen her.  I still half expect to find her sleeping beneath a bush somewhere, ignoring my call like usual.  But the haunting fear that I could stumble upon her hurt or dead little body keeps me searching invariably and disturbs my sleep at night.  I need to know she's safe somewhere, not in pain or afraid.  Maybe this is the way of the world, but I can't help but feel that a part of my family is missing.  Mittens, I will keep vigil for your return, or await the day when I will meet your bodiless soul in the meadow where we will cross the Rainbow Bridge together.
Who are you missing?

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."
- Anatole France

Primal Roots (Muladhara)

       Fight or flight, natural survival instincts, the need to feel safe, these are all basic human rights and visceral urges.  Safety seems like such a fundamental and common thing to feel, but forty percent of all adults suffer from anxiety disorders, only ten percent of which get effectual help.  Once more, we can look into ourselves and see the imbalance.  The imbalance with no particular cause or cure, just a person who is either overactive or underactive at their root.  Muladhara can be broken into two words: Mula, which means root, and Dhara, which translates from Sanskrit as support.  Located at the base of the spine, this energy center in the body is where we store our sense of safety and security throughout our earthly journey.  This is our foundation, our grounding place, the firm soil and stable base from which all of our other chakras stem and flow.  If this tender ground is uprooted then all of the branches and leaves above will shake and quiver from the instability of the movement.  The clearing of every chakra is important for happiness and the achievement of enlightenment, regardless of whether the pain stems from sexual trauma, feelings of not being good enough, a broken heart, a hidden voice, inability to trust, or disbelief in the divine, because all of these energy points are connected.  Think of your body as a spiritual energy conduit of the celestial.  The life force penetrates through the crown and must travel through each chakra before exiting  at the root, meaning that a root issue can back up into an entire body problem.  A solid bedrock provides us the stability needed to create a home filled with joy and the banishment of anxiety, fear, and nightmares.  Grounding, also called earthing, is a way to plug our physical bodies into the spiritual earth and balance out our energy.  Nervous disorders abound with an overactive Muladhara because it is our survival center, our animal nature, our instinctual responses, our fearful need to continue to exist.  Fear is healthy for survival in some cases, but a balance is always needed for peace.  Sometimes, especially for survivors, it's difficult to trust that the world will give us what we need in order to endure, but connection to our higher self and trusting in a power greater than ourselves can help us feel safe.  Whether you call it Consciousness, Mother Nature, God, The Great Spirit, or your Higher Power, trust in the divine the way that a deer trusts that she will find food and watch as your stability and peace begin to grow.  The energy of the root allows us to harness our inner courage, resourcefulness, and the will to survive when we are going through tough times, but this base chakra also carries our ancestral memories, connecting us with the spiritual challenges and triumphs of our predecessors.  Memories of war, famine, disease, natural disasters, and abuse are all imprinted and passed down through the generations, weaving painful patterns and fearful framework.  When unbalanced there may be more problems to arise than just panic disorders and trust issues, this divergence can lead to physical troubles like eating disorders, bladder and elimination issues, back and leg pain, and ovarian cysts.  Basic needs such as food, water, shelter, and physical safety are not the only things needed to be happy in life; our emotional needs must also be met.  We must learn to let go of fear and focus our spiritual connections by nurturing the soul and meditating on our spirit guides.  As we pursue the bonding of our human experience with the earths energy we can relax as we begin to worry less, feel peace, and develop a sense of accomplishment.  People will notice how we begin to reach out to others through acts of kindness and compassion once we feel safe on the inside.  We are all animals fighting that basic instinct to survive, but even the animals know that they are a part of the earth and that there is no need to worry.  We must eat when we are hungry, sleep when we are tired, and flow with the energy of the world as if harmony could keep us centered to the core of all that is.  I will tell myself that I am deeply rooted, that I am safe, that I have a right to be here, that I stand for my values and my truth and for justice, that I have what I need, and that I am here standing on my own two feet.  I will nurture my body with exercise and relaxation, be open to new possibilities, and trust in the goodness of life.  I must be grateful for the challenges that help me grow and transform.  I must make choices that are good for me, and I must trust myself.  I must love life.
What's your primal root roaring for?

The Chakra Series

Find Me

       Some days I find myself rushing through my life with purpose and drive.  I know where I'm headed and what step to take next to get where I'm going to be.  Other days I find myself struggling just to get from one moment to the next.  Some days I am strong and full of life, ready for new experiences.  Other days I find it hard to breathe just thinking about the fact that I'll have to go somewhere unfamiliar and be around other people.  I have been free of my abuser for over fourteen years now, and most days I think nothing of my past.  But some days I find myself smiling a little slower, my heart a little heavier, and my mouth a little quieter.  Some days I still flinch as the sun glints off of a belt buckle worn by a random passerby, and my heart skips a few beats at the sound of a raised voice.  Some days I find myself memorizing the make, model, and license plate of the car driving in front of me.  Not because I have a great memory, but because I subconsciously think that they may be on the way to commit a crime, or maybe they have a girl in their trunk who's fighting to get out and I'll have to testify in court one day.  For some people it may appear that I'm having irrational thoughts, but for me those thoughts were once a very real part of my everyday life.  Some days I know that I'm doing my best, but other days I need a helping hand.  Some days I find myself asking my son if he feels safe, if he has everything that he needs, and if he knows that I love him.  Some days I find myself looking for problems that aren't real in my marriage, because it's hard for me to trust that my partner doesn't secretly want to hurt me.  Some days I don't care how I look because I think that I can finally be comfortable with who I am.  Other days I find myself staring blankly at my skin, remembering the blood that once trickled through the little blonde hairs.  I often smile freely and dance without restraint whenever given the opportunity, but some days I find myself struggling to feel free and wondering if I'll always carry this pain.  Some days I find myself wishing that things in my life had gone very differently for my younger self, but other days I run my fingers over my scars and know that I am perfect.  I will never personally thank my abuser for the suffering that he caused; the shattering of my body and my mind.  But some days I find myself thanking the spiritual forces that be for bringing me to a place of continual healing.  I have a story, one that many other people have as well.  Every person on earth is on their own journey; no one can truly save anyone else.  Each person must walk their own path and choose their own healing.  While I sometimes sit in the sun and bask in the fun of the lighthearted and the unscathed, I often find myself curled up in the shade feeling every emotion and having to fight against each stray thought.  This is what makes it worth all of the pain.  Because the people who need help are not the ones out dancing in the sun, they're the ones hiding in the corner shadows.  I may not ever truly be able to pick someone up and carry them back into the light, or lay my hand on their wounds and heal them, but I can rest well at night knowing that, if only for a few moments, I stood in the shadows with those hurting people and held their hearts within my own.
Where do you find yourself?

Photo by Alessandra Vidotto

The Land Of The Free

"Where liberty dwells, there is my country."

- Benjamin Franklin

       On July 2, 1776, congress voted to adopt the Declaration of Independence which declared the thirteen established colonies on American soil to have sovereign freedom from the powerful hold of Great Britain.  This handcrafted document was more than just a demand for freedom, it was a bold and empowering stride for all the people who had been at war with King George III for their natural and legal rights, embracing their right to revolution.  A natural right is a persons right to be happy, seek peace, worship the god of their own choosing, hold to their morality, and what we often have heard described as the right to life and liberty.  These particular rights are nonnegotiable and inalienable, unable to be taken from us by any man.  A legal right is defined as a claim that is recognized and protected by sanctions of the law that enables or imposes some transaction, course of conduct, or the infringement of the state to provide a just remedy within its court system.  Of all the rights recognized by our founding fathers, the one that I hold the most pride in is the right of revolution.  Given that we are human beings under the rule of other fallible human beings, we have the privilege and the duty to overthrow a government that acts against the common interest of its people or threatens the safety of the people without cause.  Let us never forget that our leaders do not have absolute dominance over us, but rather our leaders have an obligation to the people.  Equitable rulers should take pride in the joy of their people and make wise decisions that bring about peace for all.
       Standing back to watch all of the political chaos and drama has allowed me the opportunity to take on a fresh perspective of what is happening in America right now.  I have decided that the separation between church and state that Thomas Jefferson wrote about to the Danbury Baptists, and James Madison outlined in the First Amendment, is an unfortunate necessity.  I know that the law was made in order to protect our religious freedom, but I choose to respect this law because I do not believe that lawmakers or law enforcers can be completely moral people.  Strong words, but maybe true?  Times like these divide the people into two groups: the lawmakers/enforcers and the rebel activists.  Times likes these help a person decide what they care about most: upholding the law of their land or preserving their soul through acts of morality.  A lawmaker/enforcer will follow blindly, see in black and white, and punish according to the statutes set by their superiors.  A rebel activist will not follow where there is already a paved road, they see many gray areas where compassion and understanding are deserved, and punishment is not always considered justice.  Both of these types of people may be required in order to make a country into a governed territory, but perhaps only one of these types of people are needed to create a peaceful lifestyle.  There was once a spiritual leader who served the masses and taught nothing but love and forgiveness, compassion and higher existence.  He cared not for the laws of man, following only the compass of his own heart.  To test his brand of justice, the lawmakers of the time brought a woman before the teacher who had broken the law and her offense was punishable by death.  The rebel activist answered them by saying, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."  He was a radical law-breaker; unconcerned and uninterested in the politics and rules that bound society, and eventually he was put to death for his profound teachings that led the world in an entirely new direction.
       From a historical viewpoint, we are a nation made entirely of immigrants.  The British were the first to travel and permanently settle in America back in the 1600's, followed by the Africans (against their will), and then later the Dutch, Germans, Swedes, Finns, and Irish.  In the 1500's Spain established a few ports in Florida, founded San Juan and Santa Fe, and eventually San Antonio was settled by Canary Islanders in 1731.  By the 1800's California, Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico was covered with these settlements.  The French arrived in the 17th century to form Louisiana, Saint Louis, and parts of Michigan, Illinois, and Missouri.  The Canadians started migrating south and the Mexicans started traveling north.  Between 1841 and 1850 alone nearly 1,715,000 immigrants came to America to escape famine, poverty, religious persecution, and death.  Between 1820 and 1930 thirteen MILLION people came over from Britain, Germany, and Ireland to escape the Great Famine, and after the year 1880 nearly twenty-five MILLION Europeans came to America including the Italians, Greeks, Hungarians, Poles, and close to four million Jews.  It's very obvious to me that the ONLY people who live in America right now who are NOT descended from immigrants are the Native Americans.  The war we are now fighting is not new, it has in fact been waging since the very first immigration law was put into place in 1882 that prohibited only Chinese workers from migrating to America during the Gold Rush.  Even then our leaders were losing sight of the original vision.  Even though we weren't there, we can imagine the glorious day that the Statue of Liberty was dedicated to America as a symbol of freedom.  The robed figure is meant to be a representation of the Roman goddess Libertas, the national symbol of France and worshiped by emancipated slaves in ancient times.  A broken chain lies at her feet and her torch is held high as a beacon for all sea travelers who seek her asylum upon Liberty Island, the land dubbed "common to all the states" by Bartholdi.  Can we travel even further back to imagine what it was like to fearfully sit under cover and watch bombs bursting in the air, feel the ground shaking from the blasts, our ears ringing with screams and explosions, and then to wake the next morning to find that our flag, our beautiful waving symbol of hope and liberty and freedom, was still there?  How can we hold fast to our history while pushing away the very libertarian ideals that this country was built upon?  How can we uphold laws that turn away the very same poor, persecuted, and tyrannized peoples?  And how can we expect our souls to be at peace when we pass from this earth knowing that we have not done everything that we could to stop it?
Will you hold fast the torch for the Mother of Exiles?

THE NEW COLOSSUS

By Emma Lazarus 

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

"He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty, he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself."

- Thomas Paine

"May we think of freedom, not as the right to do as we please, 

but as the opportunity to do what is right."

- Peter Marshall