The Mystical Wild Woman

       We are a group of people held together by the rope of a common bond, whether it be because we were once trauma victims, addicts, self-harmers, or like minded souls in the pursuit of gender equality.  Regardless of what brought us here to heal, we ARE healing.  In the natural process of healing a wound we have to rip it open, feel the pain, cry it out, forgive, make amends, etc.  But I recently heard about a conversation between Byron Katie and a sexual assault victim that hit me deep in the gut.  Knowing that someone was raped in the past Katie asked, "How many times have you been raped?"  The woman answered that she had been raped once, to which Katie replied, "NO!  Every time you relive that moment in your mind it's happening over and over again."  Our pain is real and valid, but there is no helpful or loving reason to hold onto those thoughts forever.  The time has come to realize that our once upon a time happenstance is not our current circumstance.  Our past is not our present.  What we have been in our minds is not who we are!  We deserve so much more than what we give ourselves sometimes.  Is it possible that we can be exponentially greater than we are allowing ourselves to be because we are still mentally and emotionally living in our past traumas?  My wish is that, through the process of healing, I can be a better person than I ever was before.  I can be strong, brave, beautiful, wise, fulfilled, and magical.  I can accomplish anything that I dream, be anyone I can create, and inspire a fire with a spark of hope and love.

Colette Baron-Reid

 "This is the symbol of the mythmaker and story teller who is neither made of nor defined by the story.  Instead he observes it, evolves through it, perceives all aspects of it.  In so doing, the Mystical Shaman represents the ability to dream a new story, a new myth, into being...He reminds us to be in the world and travel through it, but not to be defined by it or become too attached to the experience."  "You are called to create and dream your life, to act on inspiration and divine impulse without fixating on a known story of success or achievement...Who would you become if you stopped telling the tales that have defined you up until now?  You do not have to live in a story that has roots in the past.  What if there were no need to explain you to anyone, not even to yourself?  The way to your most extraordinary life is to become a blank slate and allow the form of your dreams and desires to show up, as it will."

       Once my inner healing has begun I feel the desire to help others reach this green pasture of peace, but the reality is that WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OWN OWN HEALING.  When we seek relief we will only be given what we are open to receiving.  Sometimes our minds needs to grow more before a full healing is possible, and sometimes we may subconsciously not want to be healed.  What would be left to hide beneath?  We become comfortable wading in our black hole of grief, wearing it around our shoulders to comfort what's within.  We know that we want to feel better, but we have to be ready and willing to take the steps it requires to get there.  A journey is only as long as the travelers trek.  We don't fly until we've learned to crawl, walk, run, jump, and swim first.  Once we shed the heavy skin of victims blisters we will see the soft and tender flesh beneath.  If we can let go of what we have anchored ourselves to and cried over for so many years and take a brave step forward then the real work towards becoming who we were put on this earth to be can truly begin.  We were born for a purpose, with a gift, individual and beautiful to share with the world.  We are all birthed to attain two objectives: a personal lesson to learn during this lifetime and then also a world goal to accomplish using the reach of our inherent skills.  I think that for a lot of us overcoming abuse or addiction IS the lesson that we were meant to learn.  Oh, how much have we learned!  We've mastered pain, hopelessness, powerlessness, rejection, loss, solace, aspiration, control, acceptance, and triumph.  Now we must find our magic and share it with the world.  There is a glitter about you that can be showered upon the heads of the broken, a fire within that can warm the hands and hearts of those who don't yet know that there's even hope for them.  We listen to our desires, trust our intuition, and dance in the joy and madness that is freedom from the burden of being who others ineffectively tried to make us become.       

Colette Baron-Reid

"When Wild woman dances in..., she reminds you of the essence of authenticity and freedom.  Divested of all social constraint and cultural conformity, the Wild Woman holds up a mirror to your essential self- the true essence of who you are and who you're meant to become.  She is a reminder of the bright light within each of us that gets dimmed by the restrictions imposed upon us by the expectations of society.  She reminds us that in order to be fully present to life, we must uncover that light and let it shine brightly...you're invited to shine brightly and to know that your true self is being called out to engage the world.  Your authentic self doesn't fit in a box; it needs the freedom to shine... The Wild Woman says, 'Shine brightly, dance with abandon, be yourself, and let the Great Spirit decide what happens.'"

Who will you become?

Surrender- Step 3

       I'm stubborn, that's obvious, and I'll admit that fact freely.  I've never been one to wave my white flag or give up easily, so when I'm told that the only way to truly heal is to surrender my life, my mind goes wild.  My chest immediately fills with pride and I feel the protective stone walls of my ego building higher and higher to block out the advice that I don't want to hear.  Yield, relent, back down, cave in, concede, acquiesce, fall, resign... these are words that I naturally fight against on a daily basis.  These are also the very verbs that I need to learn from in order to take the next step forward.  The third step is to make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.  It took me four years to work past this step, but the funny thing is that I never even knew that I was stuck on this part until after I was finally able to work it.  I remember the first time that my rehab counselor looked at the group and explained that in step three we would have to rely on our Higher Power, the God of our understanding.  Upon hearing those words I immediately stopped listening, thinking that step wasn't for me.  I live in the bible belt; I've gone to church three times a week for my entire life.  I thought to myself, "I already know who God is; I don't need to work this step."  But years later when I still struggled with my guilt complex and realized that I was still wrestling with the same old crap, I suddenly knew that I NEVER actually knew who God was.  I had never worked that step because I had no idea what it meant to trust the God OF MY UNDERSTANDING.  I had been missing those key words the entire time.  I thought that the God that my preacher had told me about was actually my God, but hell fire and the threat of eternal damnation hadn't helped my addiction or depression or self-esteem.  What I really needed was to find MY God, the way that I understood Him, in the way that made ME feel loved.  There is no way that any one person can teach about their God, how they perceive Him (or Her), and expect it to be true for EVERYONE listening.  As a child I was told a lot of stories that didn't seem to make sense, and they didn't particularly make me feel safe the way they were intended to.  But now that I am older I can decide what I believe and which parts are true to me.  Religion is NOT what my God is about, it in fact has absolutely nothing to do with my Higher Power.  Spirituality is everything.  The God of my understanding is in me and around me and flows through every living thing on this planet.  THAT is something that I can relax into and maybe decide to surrender to.  I don't have to be perfect (in the way that religious leaders think perfection to be), but I know that I am perfectly made in the balance of nature and energy.  I don't need an all-knowing being to judge every mistake I make and require me to throw myself into penance hoping for forgiveness and a fresh start.  What I need is the God who knows that when I decide to ask for forgiveness for something that I need only to ask myself, because my God never did stop loving me for that awful thing that happened, I did.  I am not interested in rules, requirements, or commands, but I desperately seek the approval of the one spiritual being who never loses respect for me, for I am everything that I was created to be.  Once I am able to search within myself and find how I TRULY feel loved and who I feel humbled to worship, then I feel comfortable in surrendering myself.  It's an honor to bow my head in reverence to the spiritual being that I DO understand, that DOES love me, and that I KNOW I can trust.  And really, that's all this step truly requires.
What are you surrendering to?

"The 12 Steps and Goddess Spirituality"
- Kelly Palmer

Find Me

       Some days I find myself rushing through my life with purpose and drive.  I know where I'm headed and what step to take next to get where I'm going to be.  Other days I find myself struggling just to get from one moment to the next.  Some days I am strong and full of life, ready for new experiences.  Other days I find it hard to breathe just thinking about the fact that I'll have to go somewhere unfamiliar and be around other people.  I have been free of my abuser for over fourteen years now, and most days I think nothing of my past.  But some days I find myself smiling a little slower, my heart a little heavier, and my mouth a little quieter.  Some days I still flinch as the sun glints off of a belt buckle worn by a random passerby, and my heart skips a few beats at the sound of a raised voice.  Some days I find myself memorizing the make, model, and license plate of the car driving in front of me.  Not because I have a great memory, but because I subconsciously think that they may be on the way to commit a crime, or maybe they have a girl in their trunk who's fighting to get out and I'll have to testify in court one day.  For some people it may appear that I'm having irrational thoughts, but for me those thoughts were once a very real part of my everyday life.  Some days I know that I'm doing my best, but other days I need a helping hand.  Some days I find myself asking my son if he feels safe, if he has everything that he needs, and if he knows that I love him.  Some days I find myself looking for problems that aren't real in my marriage, because it's hard for me to trust that my partner doesn't secretly want to hurt me.  Some days I don't care how I look because I think that I can finally be comfortable with who I am.  Other days I find myself staring blankly at my skin, remembering the blood that once trickled through the little blonde hairs.  I often smile freely and dance without restraint whenever given the opportunity, but some days I find myself struggling to feel free and wondering if I'll always carry this pain.  Some days I find myself wishing that things in my life had gone very differently for my younger self, but other days I run my fingers over my scars and know that I am perfect.  I will never personally thank my abuser for the suffering that he caused; the shattering of my body and my mind.  But some days I find myself thanking the spiritual forces that be for bringing me to a place of continual healing.  I have a story, one that many other people have as well.  Every person on earth is on their own journey; no one can truly save anyone else.  Each person must walk their own path and choose their own healing.  While I sometimes sit in the sun and bask in the fun of the lighthearted and the unscathed, I often find myself curled up in the shade feeling every emotion and having to fight against each stray thought.  This is what makes it worth all of the pain.  Because the people who need help are not the ones out dancing in the sun, they're the ones hiding in the corner shadows.  I may not ever truly be able to pick someone up and carry them back into the light, or lay my hand on their wounds and heal them, but I can rest well at night knowing that, if only for a few moments, I stood in the shadows with those hurting people and held their hearts within my own.
Where do you find yourself?

Photo by Alessandra Vidotto

Shall We Dance?

       I have two children, both boys, and they bless me every day.  They are my world, my existence, my love place.  After the birth of my second son I found that quite a few people were asking me if I was going to have another.  "I just had this one," I would think, but I found myself answering that maybe we would try for a girl.  I did want a little girl, but as I conversed with my husband about conceiving another child, he got my mind to wondering.  He spoke very logically about money and time and sleep, and I was disappointed.  But why was I sad about not having another child?  I was already not sleeping at night and we were both stretched beyond the limit to give them the attention and support that they desired.  Then I started to feel guilty about my longing for another child.  It really wasn't fair to the baby that I just had to immediately have another one, because then he wouldn't ever have the one-on-one with mommy time that I desperately wanted to lavish upon him.  So WHY did I feel the need to have a little girl?  Letting myself sit in that question for a while, I allowed the answers to float around in my brain until I could reach up and grab the true one.  Because I wanted a miniature me, because I wanted to see what I would look like as a little girl, because I wanted to raise a little girl to breathe fire, because I wanted to instill the strength and confidence into a little person that I never had as a child, because I wanted to protect a little girl...because I wanted to protect MY little girl.  That was it!  I had my innocence snatched away at such a young age that I was never able to truly BE a little girl.  Well, that was indeed a purely selfish reason to have another child.  So now what?  I had to find my inner child.  I had to remember who I was before bad things happened in my life.  I had to remember what it was like to feel free.  But I needed a little help remembering.  Have you ever just sat and watched your children?  Like, REALLY watched?  Aren't they little gods?  The young ones, the ones who haven't been damaged by other people yet.  The ones who are still just themselves.  They are perfect, beautiful, and pure.  They wake up when they're ready to wake up, and sleep when they're ready to sleep, and eat when they're ready to eat.  They cry when their little feelings are hurt, they squeal with excitement at the smallest of delights, and they scream in anguish when they are frightened.  They wallow on the floor and eat dirt and splash in the mud.  They strip down naked and run around laughing at the pleasure that they feel as the wind whips around their bare butts.  They laugh without restraint and dance to music that isn't there.  They don't care about rules or manners, or anything that we think they should care about.  They care about how they feel and they long to explore the world around them.  Everything is new and magical to them.  Magic!  That's definitely it.  Children believe in things that we are taught can't exist, and they're happy with that.  Children don't know why the rain falls, nor do they care.  They only want to run and play in the puddles that collect in the street.  They don't care about the mess they're making, they care about the fun that they're having along the way.  As adults it isn't always feasible to strip down and roll in the dirt, but there comes a time when we have to remember who we were.  Only then can we heal from trauma and pain that happened along the way to adulthood.  We have to go back, back to a time when we were innocent and free and unconfined.  We have to learn not to care about other people's opinions of us once more.  We have to remember how to believe in magic and how to dance in the rain when the only music playing is in our hearts.
What's your child dancing to?

"Invisible Bruises- Defining And Escaping Abuse" with guest blogger Katie Pitzer Thorton

       I turned the corner of I-77 into Columbia.  It was 1:00 am.  I made it.  I made it out of a twenty year abusive relationship and I did not die.  I almost did.  I came close.  The sight of the city lights of downtown brought me to tears.  I pulled into my parent's driveway, walked over to my sister's house next door and began to tell her that I was drowning and had left.  She already knew that, she had watched me drown helplessly for two decades.
       This was a weekend trip from Florida for Father's Day.  My counselor had asked me to go alone.  I had brought my two youngest kids with me.  Their father was not capable of caring for them, but the older two would be fine for three days.  We stood in the kitchen the next day and my father said, "We're done here, right?"  I said, "Yes."  He immediately began sobbing with relief.  He had been on his knees for years over me.  He looked instantly ten years younger.
       The next week we returned and collected my other kids.  I took a leave of absence from work.  The counselor and my father-in-law removed him from our house.  My father-in-law stood on the front porch and told me he would be a "new man" in two weeks.  Six months later there was no new man.  He went to rehab for one day.
       When I would not return to pick up the pieces, my father-in-law took his son to an attorney friend's office and filed for the immediate return of my kids WITHOUT dissolution of marriage because, and I quote, "We believe with counseling, Kate can be restored to the marriage."  I hired a lawyer in Florida, gave half my paycheck for eighteen months, and went to court in Florida for almost two years.  I did not lose my children.  They do have to visit him.  He still endangers them.  His father still props him up.
       I was told that I could never divorce or leave him, no matter how hard it got, because God hates divorce.  As a result, I was guilted into twenty horrible years that almost physically killed me.  I developed a rare, deadly autoimmune disease I will receive treatment for forever.  The treatment is sixty thousand dollars a month.  It resulted in financial ruin.  It resulted in damaged kids.  My son in on the Autism spectrum, and because I was made to homeschool him with no money, support, or resources because he said the world was evil, he is severely behind.  I am having to climb the corporate ladder all over again at 44 because I had to stay home for seven years.  Only bad mothers work.  That's what his mother told me for years.  Someone in the household has to work, my husband would not.  Thus the financial ruin.
       I was never validated by his family once I left.  They fought me legally.  Because I did not get physically hit they did not consider it abuse.  It was abuse.  The devastation is deep and long suffering.  I may have lost much, but I left.  I did it.  You can too.

Defining Abuse

       So what is abuse?  Your situation may be like mine, no bruises.  None that you can see anyway.  But the damage is just as devastating.  I suffered in many ways.

Emotional abuse:  In the beginning of the relationship I was the most amazing thing.  I was "needed" on the phone at all hours.  There were cards and letters, dates.  But early on emotional control began.  I remember one night I went to dinner with my family and he flipped out because he couldn't find me, even calling off the engagement.  I learned to isolate myself from others to keep him #1.  Nothing was ever his fault.  I was always just being unreasonable.  Time with family or friends became such a fight emotionally I stopped trying.  Everyday was a fight over the dumbest things.  I would end each day exhausted.  

 Any behavior that manipulates your emotions and thoughts is abuse.  Constantly having to make concessions in the relationship is abuse.  Emotional abuse can be name calling, threats, teasing, putting you down, or telling you that you do everything wrong.  You could not possibly make it on your own.

Physical abuse:  Pushing, hitting, slapping, or any contact that brings you harm or is against your will is abuse.  It will happen again, no matter the promise that it will not.  It will happen to your kids if it happens to you.  Covering up bruises or marks is not okay.  It's time to end it.

Sexual abuse:  Making you watch pornography, making you do things you are not comfortable with, or affairs is abuse.  Texting other women, getting or sending pictures, or forcing you in any way is abuse.  Inappropriate behavior with your or someone else's children is also abuse and must be dealt with immediately.

Financial abuse:  This was a huge one for me.  He was underemployed or unemployed for years.  We lived in very little.  He felt God had him "in a season of life".  That was total bull because we had four small kids.  They needed to eat.  I would get him a job online and he would lose it within weeks.  He once lost a job at the pizza place for eating in the freezer!  Even still, I was to hand over babysitting money I earned to him and never see it again.  I had nothing.  I was not allowed to buy groceries.  He controlled all the shopping.  His answer for us was obsessive shopping at local food banks.  He would bring home dozens of bags of expired food and drop them in the floor for us to sort out.  He would then go get himself food out.  He also kept food hidden from us in his closet.

I once had a customer at the bank who had over a million dollars in his account.  His wife was allowed ONE account with less than a thousand dollars in it.  Her clothes were old and tattered.  Abuse!  Keeping you uniformed or away from financial decisions is abuse.  Giving you very little is abuse.  It keeps you controlled.  Then you can not leave.

Social abuse:  We were kept very isolated for a long time.  It did not help that I was always broke.  I had to ask permission to go anywhere.  Nobody came over.  He had no friends or outside purpose in life.  He did not wash a dish, cut the grass, do laundry, or fix any meals.  I did all of it.  He sat in his room and sorted through his prescriptions.  I was given 14 days a year to see my family.  Isolation kills.  You may find yourself with no help or resources at all.  That is where an abuser wants you.  Weak.  Stalking your social media accounts, controlling them, flying off the handle with absurd jealousy, or reading all your texts or emails is abuse.  That is keeping absolute control over you.

Religious abuse:  I include this one because, for some of us, this is a hard reality.  God, the bible, or church is used as a tool to abuse or enable abuse.  My father-in-law was an elder in our church.  He had a lot of pull.  Any counseling sought was controlled by him.  I even had the promise of my bills being paid if I only did what he wanted.  My ex, his family, and the church used bible verses to make sure I knew just how much I needed to "submit" to my husband, and how much "God hates divorce".  Let me tell you, God hates abuse.

Verbal abuse:  Yelling, name calling, belittling, putting you down- all is abuse.  Subtly telling you that you are nothing and you will never go anywhere is abuse.

Now what?

So you have identified with so much of what I have just described.  Now what?  Identifying is step one.  There is a description of abuse in which victims are likened to a boiling frog.  If you put a frog into boiling water he is going to jump out right away.  If you put a frog into room temperature water and slowly turn up the heat that frog is going to boil to death.  Why?  It was so gradual.  The frog did not even realize it was dying.  It is the same for us.  We go into a situation with all sorts of histories and backgrounds that make us vulnerable people-pleasers.  We want the dream, and personality disorders promise to deliver!  But they don't.  Slowly we give up ourselves and lose who we are.  Eventually we are surviving, and what seemed horrible before is now normal for us.  It is why we stay so long.

Climbing out

       In my story I went along with my ex, who was in counseling because he wanted to write a book (ha!), and the counselor was publishing one at the time.  After a few sessions, the counselor requested me.  I was hesitant.  After all, I did not want a counselor to tell me it was my fault AGAIN.   One day the dam broke.  I could not bear it anymore.  I cried through two hours of revealing what this monster had been doing to me and my kids.  He ordered my ex out of the room.  He did not want to go.  This was it.  No more control.  My counselor looked at me and said, "It ends today."  Finally, someone standing in the gap for me instead of watching me drown.  So many watched me drown.  That was the Thursday before I left for Columbia.
I have an amazing family.  It was no question where I would land.  In retrospect, I had been preparing for a while.  I had gotten a checking account and a credit card in just my name.  I put my papers in order.  All secretly.  Social security cards, birth certificates, shot records, important documents like tax records all in order.  It was a long climb out.  I had to find a job.  I had to enroll my kids in public school for the first time.  I had to take the blame from teachers for my son's delays.  I had to find a new doctor.  I had to scurry to find an infusion center because I can't go more than 14 days between treatments.  Then came custody battles two states away.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done.  But you know what?  I did it, and so can you.

Preparing

       Be careful!  Abusers are like cornered animals when threatened.  I know someone who's abuser tried to shoot her as she was leaving!  Prepare quietly and carefully if you are leaving under duress.  Planning is key.  Get your financials in order the best you can.  There are resources when you have nothing.  Get your important documents ready to go.  Remember: stuff is stuff.  What is important here?  You are, and your kids are.
Not everyone has parents or relatives willing to take in multiple people. Here are some resources for domestic abuse victims:

National Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or live chat via www.thehotline.org

They have folks willing to help you from start to finish, including local shelters or resources.

Try leaving when your abuser is not there.  It is just better to avoid confrontation.  After you leave you may be in shock for a while.  Use Google forums, support groups, and seek counseling when you can.  Self-care is critical here.  Rest, take a bath, take a nap, go for walks.  You will doubt yourself here, please don't.  You did the right thing.  Abusers do not change.  Not permanently.  It will resort back to abuse.  Facebook has tons of abuse support groups.  These were hugely helpful.  Do NOT date or enter relationships of any kind for a while.  Lonely or not, you need to heal.  Healing looks way different and takes way longer than you expect.  The key is TIME.
No contact!  If your abuser is friends with you on social media- unfriend!  Unfollow!  Don't look at it!  Only contact them if you must for communication about the kids.  And by that I mean factual stuff that is necessary.  You do not need to be chatting, talking, or communicating.  This is where abusers lure you back.  You are vulnerable at this stage.  No contact is the best policy.  You need space to heal.  You can not heal a wound that keeps getting smacked open.

Being a warrior

       If you are reading this and you are stuck in abuse, hopeless, not knowing where to go, there is hope.  You are stronger than you could ever imagine.  There are things you can do that will blow you away when you look back.  Your instincts, power, and drive is in there, it has just been beaten down in one way or another.  Reach out, do your research, plan your steps one at a time.  You can do this.  You can leave abuse and refuse to take it any longer.  You are a warrior.

       -Katie Pitzer Thorton

Do you have invisible bruises?

"I am a Senior Teller for South State Bank in Columbia, SC.  I live with my husband Todd and our Brady Bunch of 7 kids, 5 cats, 2 dogs, turtle, and bunny we recently passed on the road!  I have a massive support system of my parents and sister nearby and a mass of great friends.  I manage an ultra rare autoimmune disease on the side.  I also love to speak to people who have survived and endured abuse like I have.  My passion and hope is to encourage others who are suffering."
-Katie Pitzer Thorton