Powerless- Step 1

       The first step to overcoming anything in life is admitting that there is a problem.  Step one of the Narcotics Anonymous program states that "we admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable".  Alcoholics Anonymous has the same first step, but with the word "alcohol" in place of the word "addiction".  I feel like we can take pretty much any issue that we have in our lives and insert it there.  But unmanageable seems like a pretty strong word, in fact most people have to reach absolute rock bottom before they can see just how messed up things in their lives have gotten.  We're women, we can manage anything, right?  So, I personally like to replace the word "unmanageable" with the word "UNBALANCED".  Because people can actually become addicted to literally anything.  Drugs and alcohol are only the more obviously damaging ones.  Games, shopping, sex, church, anything can become so big that it takes dominance over our lives.  In the words of Dr. Seuss, "...remember that life's A Great Balancing Act."  I am, by no means, saying that you can have a little heroin as long as you feel that you can control it.  We're simply applying this thought to other areas of our lives.  Sometimes I can get so obsessed with the fact that I'm having trouble sleeping that I literally put myself into a teary eyed panic until I REALLY can't sleep.  The thing that we're putting in front of our faces the most becomes the most important thing to us.  I like to think that my body, spirit, and mind is composed of two equal, yet dueling, parts.  We have the yin on one side, dark, cold, sinister, and passive, and on the other side we have the bright, warm, focused, and active yang.  We are all made up of BOTH forces that complement each other.  In body we must exercise; we can't be sedentary, nor can we be overly active to the point of exhaustion.  This principle is beautiful once applied to your life, and offers a oneness of the self that people tend to forget about.  Yes, we are always working to become better people and not let our evil thoughts overcome us.  But we still have to remember that those thoughts are what make us human, and they serve a purpose.  In certain situations our bodies can respond with anxiety, adrenaline, and negative thoughts- that's normal!  We just have to decide in our higher mind whether or not our thoughts are true, and whether or not it is appropriate to act on them.  This process allows us to realize that where there's a shadow, there must be a light.  In simpler terms, everything has two halves.  Two halves make a whole.  When split apart, both halves spend eternity chasing after each other to seek balance and wholeness.  Nothing on earth is only evil or only good, there is simply imbalance.  When our lives become unbalanced we are left with feelings of anger, sadness, contempt, hopelessness, confusion, and even overconfidence.  The first step to regaining balance and control is mindful awareness.  We have to first realize that there is something wrong before we can fix it, and once we begin paying attention to those negative feelings then we can start to see where the problem is originating.  Then simply do the OPPOSITE.  I'm starting to feel anxious, so instead of going down that rabbit hole I'm going to stand still and breathe.  I'm telling myself that I'm not good enough and that I'll never be able to accomplish the task at hand, so it's time for a little self-love.  Tell yourself good things!  Imagine the absolute worst thing that can possibly happen, and then envision yourself standing through it all, strong and unharmed.  If you're starting to feel stagnant and depressed, get up and move, exercise.  Our minds are always seeking balance, even when we are unaware of it. We need to step aside and allow healing to happen.  I will leave you with this passage from the second chapter of the Tao Te Ching, while urging you to remember that we always have the power to restore balance to our own lives.
What's your first step?

"When people see things as beautiful,

ugliness is created.

When people see things as good,

evil is created.

Being and non-being produce each other.

Difficult and easy compliment each other.

Long and short define each other.

High and low oppose each other.

Fore and aft follow each other."

"Invisible Bruises- Defining And Escaping Abuse" with guest blogger Katie Pitzer Thorton

       I turned the corner of I-77 into Columbia.  It was 1:00 am.  I made it.  I made it out of a twenty year abusive relationship and I did not die.  I almost did.  I came close.  The sight of the city lights of downtown brought me to tears.  I pulled into my parent's driveway, walked over to my sister's house next door and began to tell her that I was drowning and had left.  She already knew that, she had watched me drown helplessly for two decades.
       This was a weekend trip from Florida for Father's Day.  My counselor had asked me to go alone.  I had brought my two youngest kids with me.  Their father was not capable of caring for them, but the older two would be fine for three days.  We stood in the kitchen the next day and my father said, "We're done here, right?"  I said, "Yes."  He immediately began sobbing with relief.  He had been on his knees for years over me.  He looked instantly ten years younger.
       The next week we returned and collected my other kids.  I took a leave of absence from work.  The counselor and my father-in-law removed him from our house.  My father-in-law stood on the front porch and told me he would be a "new man" in two weeks.  Six months later there was no new man.  He went to rehab for one day.
       When I would not return to pick up the pieces, my father-in-law took his son to an attorney friend's office and filed for the immediate return of my kids WITHOUT dissolution of marriage because, and I quote, "We believe with counseling, Kate can be restored to the marriage."  I hired a lawyer in Florida, gave half my paycheck for eighteen months, and went to court in Florida for almost two years.  I did not lose my children.  They do have to visit him.  He still endangers them.  His father still props him up.
       I was told that I could never divorce or leave him, no matter how hard it got, because God hates divorce.  As a result, I was guilted into twenty horrible years that almost physically killed me.  I developed a rare, deadly autoimmune disease I will receive treatment for forever.  The treatment is sixty thousand dollars a month.  It resulted in financial ruin.  It resulted in damaged kids.  My son in on the Autism spectrum, and because I was made to homeschool him with no money, support, or resources because he said the world was evil, he is severely behind.  I am having to climb the corporate ladder all over again at 44 because I had to stay home for seven years.  Only bad mothers work.  That's what his mother told me for years.  Someone in the household has to work, my husband would not.  Thus the financial ruin.
       I was never validated by his family once I left.  They fought me legally.  Because I did not get physically hit they did not consider it abuse.  It was abuse.  The devastation is deep and long suffering.  I may have lost much, but I left.  I did it.  You can too.

Defining Abuse

       So what is abuse?  Your situation may be like mine, no bruises.  None that you can see anyway.  But the damage is just as devastating.  I suffered in many ways.

Emotional abuse:  In the beginning of the relationship I was the most amazing thing.  I was "needed" on the phone at all hours.  There were cards and letters, dates.  But early on emotional control began.  I remember one night I went to dinner with my family and he flipped out because he couldn't find me, even calling off the engagement.  I learned to isolate myself from others to keep him #1.  Nothing was ever his fault.  I was always just being unreasonable.  Time with family or friends became such a fight emotionally I stopped trying.  Everyday was a fight over the dumbest things.  I would end each day exhausted.  

 Any behavior that manipulates your emotions and thoughts is abuse.  Constantly having to make concessions in the relationship is abuse.  Emotional abuse can be name calling, threats, teasing, putting you down, or telling you that you do everything wrong.  You could not possibly make it on your own.

Physical abuse:  Pushing, hitting, slapping, or any contact that brings you harm or is against your will is abuse.  It will happen again, no matter the promise that it will not.  It will happen to your kids if it happens to you.  Covering up bruises or marks is not okay.  It's time to end it.

Sexual abuse:  Making you watch pornography, making you do things you are not comfortable with, or affairs is abuse.  Texting other women, getting or sending pictures, or forcing you in any way is abuse.  Inappropriate behavior with your or someone else's children is also abuse and must be dealt with immediately.

Financial abuse:  This was a huge one for me.  He was underemployed or unemployed for years.  We lived in very little.  He felt God had him "in a season of life".  That was total bull because we had four small kids.  They needed to eat.  I would get him a job online and he would lose it within weeks.  He once lost a job at the pizza place for eating in the freezer!  Even still, I was to hand over babysitting money I earned to him and never see it again.  I had nothing.  I was not allowed to buy groceries.  He controlled all the shopping.  His answer for us was obsessive shopping at local food banks.  He would bring home dozens of bags of expired food and drop them in the floor for us to sort out.  He would then go get himself food out.  He also kept food hidden from us in his closet.

I once had a customer at the bank who had over a million dollars in his account.  His wife was allowed ONE account with less than a thousand dollars in it.  Her clothes were old and tattered.  Abuse!  Keeping you uniformed or away from financial decisions is abuse.  Giving you very little is abuse.  It keeps you controlled.  Then you can not leave.

Social abuse:  We were kept very isolated for a long time.  It did not help that I was always broke.  I had to ask permission to go anywhere.  Nobody came over.  He had no friends or outside purpose in life.  He did not wash a dish, cut the grass, do laundry, or fix any meals.  I did all of it.  He sat in his room and sorted through his prescriptions.  I was given 14 days a year to see my family.  Isolation kills.  You may find yourself with no help or resources at all.  That is where an abuser wants you.  Weak.  Stalking your social media accounts, controlling them, flying off the handle with absurd jealousy, or reading all your texts or emails is abuse.  That is keeping absolute control over you.

Religious abuse:  I include this one because, for some of us, this is a hard reality.  God, the bible, or church is used as a tool to abuse or enable abuse.  My father-in-law was an elder in our church.  He had a lot of pull.  Any counseling sought was controlled by him.  I even had the promise of my bills being paid if I only did what he wanted.  My ex, his family, and the church used bible verses to make sure I knew just how much I needed to "submit" to my husband, and how much "God hates divorce".  Let me tell you, God hates abuse.

Verbal abuse:  Yelling, name calling, belittling, putting you down- all is abuse.  Subtly telling you that you are nothing and you will never go anywhere is abuse.

Now what?

So you have identified with so much of what I have just described.  Now what?  Identifying is step one.  There is a description of abuse in which victims are likened to a boiling frog.  If you put a frog into boiling water he is going to jump out right away.  If you put a frog into room temperature water and slowly turn up the heat that frog is going to boil to death.  Why?  It was so gradual.  The frog did not even realize it was dying.  It is the same for us.  We go into a situation with all sorts of histories and backgrounds that make us vulnerable people-pleasers.  We want the dream, and personality disorders promise to deliver!  But they don't.  Slowly we give up ourselves and lose who we are.  Eventually we are surviving, and what seemed horrible before is now normal for us.  It is why we stay so long.

Climbing out

       In my story I went along with my ex, who was in counseling because he wanted to write a book (ha!), and the counselor was publishing one at the time.  After a few sessions, the counselor requested me.  I was hesitant.  After all, I did not want a counselor to tell me it was my fault AGAIN.   One day the dam broke.  I could not bear it anymore.  I cried through two hours of revealing what this monster had been doing to me and my kids.  He ordered my ex out of the room.  He did not want to go.  This was it.  No more control.  My counselor looked at me and said, "It ends today."  Finally, someone standing in the gap for me instead of watching me drown.  So many watched me drown.  That was the Thursday before I left for Columbia.
I have an amazing family.  It was no question where I would land.  In retrospect, I had been preparing for a while.  I had gotten a checking account and a credit card in just my name.  I put my papers in order.  All secretly.  Social security cards, birth certificates, shot records, important documents like tax records all in order.  It was a long climb out.  I had to find a job.  I had to enroll my kids in public school for the first time.  I had to take the blame from teachers for my son's delays.  I had to find a new doctor.  I had to scurry to find an infusion center because I can't go more than 14 days between treatments.  Then came custody battles two states away.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done.  But you know what?  I did it, and so can you.

Preparing

       Be careful!  Abusers are like cornered animals when threatened.  I know someone who's abuser tried to shoot her as she was leaving!  Prepare quietly and carefully if you are leaving under duress.  Planning is key.  Get your financials in order the best you can.  There are resources when you have nothing.  Get your important documents ready to go.  Remember: stuff is stuff.  What is important here?  You are, and your kids are.
Not everyone has parents or relatives willing to take in multiple people. Here are some resources for domestic abuse victims:

National Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or live chat via www.thehotline.org

They have folks willing to help you from start to finish, including local shelters or resources.

Try leaving when your abuser is not there.  It is just better to avoid confrontation.  After you leave you may be in shock for a while.  Use Google forums, support groups, and seek counseling when you can.  Self-care is critical here.  Rest, take a bath, take a nap, go for walks.  You will doubt yourself here, please don't.  You did the right thing.  Abusers do not change.  Not permanently.  It will resort back to abuse.  Facebook has tons of abuse support groups.  These were hugely helpful.  Do NOT date or enter relationships of any kind for a while.  Lonely or not, you need to heal.  Healing looks way different and takes way longer than you expect.  The key is TIME.
No contact!  If your abuser is friends with you on social media- unfriend!  Unfollow!  Don't look at it!  Only contact them if you must for communication about the kids.  And by that I mean factual stuff that is necessary.  You do not need to be chatting, talking, or communicating.  This is where abusers lure you back.  You are vulnerable at this stage.  No contact is the best policy.  You need space to heal.  You can not heal a wound that keeps getting smacked open.

Being a warrior

       If you are reading this and you are stuck in abuse, hopeless, not knowing where to go, there is hope.  You are stronger than you could ever imagine.  There are things you can do that will blow you away when you look back.  Your instincts, power, and drive is in there, it has just been beaten down in one way or another.  Reach out, do your research, plan your steps one at a time.  You can do this.  You can leave abuse and refuse to take it any longer.  You are a warrior.

       -Katie Pitzer Thorton

Do you have invisible bruises?

"I am a Senior Teller for South State Bank in Columbia, SC.  I live with my husband Todd and our Brady Bunch of 7 kids, 5 cats, 2 dogs, turtle, and bunny we recently passed on the road!  I have a massive support system of my parents and sister nearby and a mass of great friends.  I manage an ultra rare autoimmune disease on the side.  I also love to speak to people who have survived and endured abuse like I have.  My passion and hope is to encourage others who are suffering."
-Katie Pitzer Thorton