Find Me

       Some days I find myself rushing through my life with purpose and drive.  I know where I'm headed and what step to take next to get where I'm going to be.  Other days I find myself struggling just to get from one moment to the next.  Some days I am strong and full of life, ready for new experiences.  Other days I find it hard to breathe just thinking about the fact that I'll have to go somewhere unfamiliar and be around other people.  I have been free of my abuser for over fourteen years now, and most days I think nothing of my past.  But some days I find myself smiling a little slower, my heart a little heavier, and my mouth a little quieter.  Some days I still flinch as the sun glints off of a belt buckle worn by a random passerby, and my heart skips a few beats at the sound of a raised voice.  Some days I find myself memorizing the make, model, and license plate of the car driving in front of me.  Not because I have a great memory, but because I subconsciously think that they may be on the way to commit a crime, or maybe they have a girl in their trunk who's fighting to get out and I'll have to testify in court one day.  For some people it may appear that I'm having irrational thoughts, but for me those thoughts were once a very real part of my everyday life.  Some days I know that I'm doing my best, but other days I need a helping hand.  Some days I find myself asking my son if he feels safe, if he has everything that he needs, and if he knows that I love him.  Some days I find myself looking for problems that aren't real in my marriage, because it's hard for me to trust that my partner doesn't secretly want to hurt me.  Some days I don't care how I look because I think that I can finally be comfortable with who I am.  Other days I find myself staring blankly at my skin, remembering the blood that once trickled through the little blonde hairs.  I often smile freely and dance without restraint whenever given the opportunity, but some days I find myself struggling to feel free and wondering if I'll always carry this pain.  Some days I find myself wishing that things in my life had gone very differently for my younger self, but other days I run my fingers over my scars and know that I am perfect.  I will never personally thank my abuser for the suffering that he caused; the shattering of my body and my mind.  But some days I find myself thanking the spiritual forces that be for bringing me to a place of continual healing.  I have a story, one that many other people have as well.  Every person on earth is on their own journey; no one can truly save anyone else.  Each person must walk their own path and choose their own healing.  While I sometimes sit in the sun and bask in the fun of the lighthearted and the unscathed, I often find myself curled up in the shade feeling every emotion and having to fight against each stray thought.  This is what makes it worth all of the pain.  Because the people who need help are not the ones out dancing in the sun, they're the ones hiding in the corner shadows.  I may not ever truly be able to pick someone up and carry them back into the light, or lay my hand on their wounds and heal them, but I can rest well at night knowing that, if only for a few moments, I stood in the shadows with those hurting people and held their hearts within my own.
Where do you find yourself?

Photo by Alessandra Vidotto

Insanity- Step 2

       The second step to recovery is the knowledge that we "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".  I don't belive that I'm INsane, but what does it mean to be SANE?  The definition of sanity is the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner.  I can nitpick anything to death, so let's go ahead and overlook the word "normal", purposefully choosing not to confine ourselves to societal standards, and focus on the word "rational".  The dictionary defines rational as action based on, or in accordance with, reason or logic.  Synonyms include sensible, reasonable, intelligent, prudent, practical, down-to-earth, etc.  That makes a little bit more sense; I've been known to be a little...unreasonable at times.  But since we're applying these steps to our personal lives, let's take a closer look at what makes a person seem insane.  The western world holds mental health to a completely different standard than the shamanic societies of our indigenous ancestors and peoples of Asia, Africa, and Australasia.  People around here hear the word "shaman" and think of demons and witchcraft.  Shamans are simply people who were thought to have access to, and influence in, the spirit realm, much like we rely on our preachers to do.  Shamans and pastors are alike because they both believe that in order to heal mental illness one must mend the soul, thus restoring balance and wholeness.  The difference is shamans believe that in order to understand sickness that they must first become sick. To become a healer, they must first heal.  In this sense, shamans view mental illness as the "birth of a healer".  Wow!  In western civilizations we take people with mental and behavioral disorders and try to "make it stop".  We prescribe medications or lock them away in an attempt to make the symptoms disappear.  A shaman will take a mentally ill person and try to merge their physical selves with their spiritual selves in order to heal their psyche.  They believe that what causes a person to feel depressed, anxious, hear voices, or act out is the result of a spiritual being trying to get a message through to our world.  This causes a disruption in the human consciousness that results in fear and confusion.  We don't have to completely believe in the shamans view, but doesn't it make a little sense?  Pay attention to the people around you.  The most sensitive people are the ones who act tough, like nothing bothers them, and quite possibly they may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the overwhelming emotions that they feel.  But what if these people, the "empaths" if you will, have a higher purpose?  What if they learned to accept the fact that they have a huge influx of feelings and energy from the people around them and they chose to FEEL those feelings?  They could really change the world through kindness and empathy.  The cockiest of people are the ones who can't bear to sit alone with themselves in the darkness.  The rudest people are the ones who are trying to protect themselves from all of the hurt inside.   There is an aligning that needs to happen within ourselves.  A connection between our spiritual and physical selves that can only be achieved through accepting that our hurt is actually a GIFT designed to channel through us to help others.  Self-harm and suicide are nothing to play with; please seek help if these are thoughts that you are having.  It is a long road to mental healing.  But once we learn to accept ourselves, align our spiritual energy, and TRULY HEAL, then we can allow the birth of our inner healer to touch the lives of the broken.
What's your insane gift?

Powerless- Step 1

       The first step to overcoming anything in life is admitting that there is a problem.  Step one of the Narcotics Anonymous program states that "we admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable".  Alcoholics Anonymous has the same first step, but with the word "alcohol" in place of the word "addiction".  I feel like we can take pretty much any issue that we have in our lives and insert it there.  But unmanageable seems like a pretty strong word, in fact most people have to reach absolute rock bottom before they can see just how messed up things in their lives have gotten.  We're women, we can manage anything, right?  So, I personally like to replace the word "unmanageable" with the word "UNBALANCED".  Because people can actually become addicted to literally anything.  Drugs and alcohol are only the more obviously damaging ones.  Games, shopping, sex, church, anything can become so big that it takes dominance over our lives.  In the words of Dr. Seuss, "...remember that life's A Great Balancing Act."  I am, by no means, saying that you can have a little heroin as long as you feel that you can control it.  We're simply applying this thought to other areas of our lives.  Sometimes I can get so obsessed with the fact that I'm having trouble sleeping that I literally put myself into a teary eyed panic until I REALLY can't sleep.  The thing that we're putting in front of our faces the most becomes the most important thing to us.  I like to think that my body, spirit, and mind is composed of two equal, yet dueling, parts.  We have the yin on one side, dark, cold, sinister, and passive, and on the other side we have the bright, warm, focused, and active yang.  We are all made up of BOTH forces that complement each other.  In body we must exercise; we can't be sedentary, nor can we be overly active to the point of exhaustion.  This principle is beautiful once applied to your life, and offers a oneness of the self that people tend to forget about.  Yes, we are always working to become better people and not let our evil thoughts overcome us.  But we still have to remember that those thoughts are what make us human, and they serve a purpose.  In certain situations our bodies can respond with anxiety, adrenaline, and negative thoughts- that's normal!  We just have to decide in our higher mind whether or not our thoughts are true, and whether or not it is appropriate to act on them.  This process allows us to realize that where there's a shadow, there must be a light.  In simpler terms, everything has two halves.  Two halves make a whole.  When split apart, both halves spend eternity chasing after each other to seek balance and wholeness.  Nothing on earth is only evil or only good, there is simply imbalance.  When our lives become unbalanced we are left with feelings of anger, sadness, contempt, hopelessness, confusion, and even overconfidence.  The first step to regaining balance and control is mindful awareness.  We have to first realize that there is something wrong before we can fix it, and once we begin paying attention to those negative feelings then we can start to see where the problem is originating.  Then simply do the OPPOSITE.  I'm starting to feel anxious, so instead of going down that rabbit hole I'm going to stand still and breathe.  I'm telling myself that I'm not good enough and that I'll never be able to accomplish the task at hand, so it's time for a little self-love.  Tell yourself good things!  Imagine the absolute worst thing that can possibly happen, and then envision yourself standing through it all, strong and unharmed.  If you're starting to feel stagnant and depressed, get up and move, exercise.  Our minds are always seeking balance, even when we are unaware of it. We need to step aside and allow healing to happen.  I will leave you with this passage from the second chapter of the Tao Te Ching, while urging you to remember that we always have the power to restore balance to our own lives.
What's your first step?

"When people see things as beautiful,

ugliness is created.

When people see things as good,

evil is created.

Being and non-being produce each other.

Difficult and easy compliment each other.

Long and short define each other.

High and low oppose each other.

Fore and aft follow each other."

Spotlight! on Sarah Howle -Break The Chain

       I run through the rain with my hands insufficiently covering my hair until I can hop the stone steps that lead to the wooden porch.  A surfboard hangs to my left and the door directly before me leaks soft guitar licks and hair-raising whispers from the cracks.  I turn the doorknob and push with my shoulder to find a young crooner perched in a bench across the room with her legs crossed.  Upon my arrival her voice immediately stops and a smile spreads across her unsure lips as she introduces herself to my drenched face for the first time.  This is Sarah Howle, eighteen year old Virgo and aspiring star from a little country town in South Carolina called Hartsville.  But those are just her bio facts, what I want to see is her soul.  I tell her not to mind my presence as I slink to a bedded corner to eagerly await the ghostly tunes of her breath once more.  Sarah inhales and begins a song, hesitant at first, but then I see her angle her head downwards with her long hair partly covering her face.  This gives her just enough of a shield to remember herself as her eyes close and she begins to feel the words that are magically pouring from somewhere deep in her belly.  I close my own eyes and lay enchanted at the passion that I can clearly hear in her words.  I love that she doesn't try to sing the song exactly the way that Stevie Nicks did; instead she loves the lyrics and makes them her own, in her own key, in her own time, and she just blows me away.  I imagine that if her soul could slip from her body it would take the shape of a cat and howl its pain at the midnight moon.
      Sarah quoted some of the lyrics to me, things like, "slipping into the denseness of my loneliness," and "even if I found you you'd be so cold" and I knew that this young woman was special.  She remembers an agonizing juncture when she was just a little girl.  Both of her parents were drinking too much and little Sarah went through a time when she didn't quite feel safe.  That hidden pain grew into anxiety and depression that can only be relieved by crying her torment through the words that she sings.  Still hesitant of herself, she closes her eyes and imagines that she is standing alone in a wide open field at 2:15 in the morning.  There is no one around and the air has a chill that clings to her skin.  Within this fictional safe haven she is able to open her soul and pour her beautiful voice out for all to drink in.  Sarah was originally inspired by her maternal grandmother who used to sing gospel tunes on the television.  Her brothers were also catalysts on the road to finding her voice.  Sarah's older brother is a piano man who encourages her through his wisdom, and her younger brother heartens her with his pure soul.  "He was a blessing in disguise," she says of her three year old brother, Charlie.  "He was a surprise child and I realized that it wasn't just all about me.  He makes me want to do good and make the world a better place for him." 
       I had the most amazing time with this passionate young lady today.  Putting Sarah's physical merit aside, she is unmistakably beautiful through her intuition, loving passion, and ambitious strength.  She uses the only instrument that she can play to soothe and condition the hurt in her soul.  Her voice is a tool that she can carry with her wherever she goes and escape into its safe place, whether she's surrounded by hundreds of people or laying alone in her dark and soundless room with her mind wandering to the wide corners of her needs, desires, and dreams.
What's your escape?

Inspire A Revolution

       By now most of us have heard of Amy Bleuel, the woman who inspired the Project Semicolon.  For those of you who don't know what that is, let me blow your mind for a moment.  Amy Bleuel was a young woman who was physically abused by her step-mother beginning at the age of six, sexually abused at the age of ten, raped at the age of thirteen, endured the loss of her father to suicide at the age of eighteen, was raped twice more in college, and then suffered from alcoholism and five major suicide attempts.  That woman endured more in ten years than any person should ever have to go through.  And what did she do with her pain?  She inspired a revolution.  Amy founded a non-profit mental health and anti-suicide organization in 2013.  Amy hoped that her organization would present "hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction, and self-injury" by encouraging the tattoo semicolon symbol to raise awareness and show support.  Selena Gomez jumped on board after she helped to produce the Netflix series "Thirteen Reasons Why", as did two of the actors from the show.  A book was later published by HarperCollins entitled "Project Semicolon: Your Story Isn't Over" in 2017 which is available practically everywhere now.  This was more than just a fad, it was hope.
       In literature, the semicolon is used when the writer could choose to end the sentence, but instead the author chooses to keep going.  That is what Amy Bleuel did with her life until March 23 of 2017.  The coroner ruled Ms. Bleuel's death as a suicide which left a bitter taste in my mouth.  As we mourn the one year anniversary of this amazing woman's death I ask myself, "How could she?"  She was changing lives!  People all over the world looked to her for support when they had suicidal thoughts or needed emotional help to get through the grief of a loved ones suicide.  How could she?  I begin to feel angry when I think about what she did, but I know that deep down I'm only angry because I feel the hurt.  Suicide saddens me beyond what I can describe.  It is the very moment when a person who has been suffering inconsolably for so long, while everyone else around them lives their life normally, snaps their fingers and flips it around.  Now, the person who was suffering is no longer in pain, and all the people around them who had been living normally are suddenly suffering instead.  I want to be mad and tell those people that they were selfish in the worst way, but who am I to make such a heavy judgement?  Who am I to pretend to know someones deepest pain?  How could I possibly know what it's like to wake up and feel so much hurt that I couldn't get out of bed?  To hate myself so much that no amount of encouragement could calm my mind?  So, instead of hate, I will choose to spread love.  Good for you Amy!  You endured the worst that this world had to offer.  You didn't become a serial killer, or the unabomber, or a terrorist.  You inspired the people around you to live their best life and get help.  I'm proud of you.  I support your decision. And I wish that there had been more help for you, you who helped so many others.  Today I would like to take two moments of silence.  The first as a remembrance for an innocent little girl who was lost to the madness of hate and corruption.  The second moment of silence will be for you.  The you who is reading this right now.  You are still here.  You can still make a difference.  You can inspire a revolution.
What's your revolution project?
https://projectsemicolon.com/