Monday, March 18, 2019

Extinguished - Step 6

       There has always been a fire in us, one that burns with a rage and a temper of wild proportions.  We hold this flame deep inside of ourselves where it can't be seen unless we allow it to be seen.  It is a damaging and destructive blaze that we let loose when we feel that we need protection.  Hurt and pain loosen the reins of our fingers from around this light, allowing it to burn brightly and scorch the ground that it feeds upon.  Unchecked this fire will sear the people around us and blow out of control of even ourselves, its master.  Once we've let the flame burn uncontrollably for any amount of time it is nearly impossible to catch this rebellious flare and temper it back down to that small glow that once sat beneath the surface.  That is where the sixth step comes into play:  “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”  We've already recognized that we are powerless over our pain or addiction and taken steps to allow healing into our lives through faith and admission.  We've looked at our lives and accepted that we need to change things, but the thing that we often don't think we need to change is our emotional patterns.  We know that if we're alcoholics that we should stop drinking and if we're addicts then we should stop doing drugs, but we never actually heal (and eventually relapse) if we don't change our life habits.  At this point we already recognize the behavior that harmed ourselves and our friends and family when we acted upon our character defects, but even when we're sober and withholding self-harm we still act on these habits, unless we rip those thoughts and patterns right out of our lives.  Change never happens overnight, it takes practice and new conditioning, hard work and conscious effort.  But what I think we should focus on the most during this sensitive time in our lives is the word "ready".  I am "ready" to change, "ready" to heal my life, "ready" to make amends with the people that I love, "ready" to forgive myself, "ready" to be a better person than I was yesterday.  You can't start a race until you're ready to begin, and you can't accept instruction unless you're ready to learn.  YOU CAN'T HEAL UNLESS YOU'RE READY TO LET GO OF YOUR PAIN.  Nothing in life will ever change unless we are ready for it to change.  It's about making a commitment, a pledge, a promise to ourselves and being patient with ourselves.  It's about being discontent with how we've managed our lives so far, but knowing that we can and will be better as we align ourselves into a place of humble love.  Being "ready" opens us up to prepare and make ourselves available for divine guidance as we aim for the very best of all we can learn and someday be.  Once we are "ready" we have set ourselves into a spiritual state of mind that sets the ground work for the higher power of our understanding to remove from our lives and minds that which is unhealthy and unhelpful for us and our lives.  We are aware of our character defects, tired of them and the pain they're causing, and we become confident in our future path.  We no longer rationalize and make excuses for the hurt that we once caused our family and friends, we no longer blame others for the current condition of our souls.  We are taking responsibility for the consequences of our actions and allowing our disorderly flame to be extinguished by the breath of renewal, forgiveness, and love.  We all have a light inside of us that shines forth to bring beauty and guidance into the world, a glow that will never go out because it shines from the depth of our souls.  The flame that we were unsuccessfully tempering was the fire lit by the chaos of the world, the darkness of the spirit, and the pain of contempt.  When we are ready to extinguish the flame of disdain then we will find that we can peacefully shine brighter than any blaze on the face of the earth.   
What's feeding your fire?


"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
-Charles DuBois




Wednesday, January 30, 2019

When I Die...An Open Letter To My Family

       Death is a difficult concept for people to accept, no matter what you believe about the afterlife.  Even if you don't believe that death is the absolute end, there is still some fashion of finality there that saddens and burdens the soul.  There is an empty place in the hearts of the loved ones left behind where that person once took up space.  Now there is a hole there that can not be filled by anything else because that space was very specifically shaped.  That's okay, nothing else was meant to take that space.  That emptiness was left there so that we would continue to remember.  I would like to think that I have left a very "me" shaped hole in the hearts of those I love, and when I pass I hope that I have loved those people hard enough that they will miss my presence.  But I also hope that I have instilled enough of myself that they can feel the imprint of where I once was and smile in the sure knowledge of my wishes.  When I die I want my family to cremate me.  Don't spend tons of useless money on coffins and burials, just turn my body into ashes.  I want them to gather together, especially the family members who haven't spoken in years, and mourn together as one.  I want to bring my family closer together, and if that's something that can only be done through my death, then let it be.  I want them to remember who I was completely and wholly.  Remember the little person I was once, the evil that came, the mistakes I made, the strength it took to overcome, and who I flourished into.  I want each close family member, especially those struggling with the loss, to get a handful of my ashes to take home with them.  Right now I am speaking to my husband, my children, my father, my mother, my brothers, and my sisters.  Whenever it rains and you feel alone, stand in the downpour with your fist clenched around my body of ash and let the tears flow.  Let the water mix and turn me into mud in your fingers and cry and wallow in the rain until your eyes are dry and your clothes are drenched.  When you feel angry with me for leaving you in this world, take my ashes and throw them as hard as you can into the wind.  The breeze will carry me along the path that leads me back to you.  Scream into the currents of the air, let out your frustration until your body is too weak to hold a grudge.  And whenever the sun is shining, stand in its beams and toss my ashes into the air.  Remember the good times and how we laughed and danced together as my body falls to mix with the dirt under your feet.  Do these things to process and to grieve.  Do not go to the cemetery to tell me about your day, because I will not be there.  I will be wherever you keep me. I will be kissing your forehead when it rains, hugging your cheek when the wind blows, whispering secrets when the thunder strikes, and beaming down at you with love when the sun shines.  Most importantly, don't forget the music. Whether or not you choose to abandon all cares and move with the rhythm in your soul, don't forget to be true to the heartbeat that lies just beneath the surface of us all.
What's your will?



Wednesday, January 2, 2019

The Mystical Wild Woman

       We are a group of people held together by the rope of a common bond, whether it be because we were once trauma victims, addicts, self-harmers, or like minded souls in the pursuit of gender equality.  Regardless of what brought us here to heal, we ARE healing.  In the natural process of healing a wound we have to rip it open, feel the pain, cry it out, forgive, make amends, etc.  But I recently heard about a conversation between Byron Katie and a sexual assault victim that hit me deep in the gut.  Knowing that someone was raped in the past Katie asked, "How many times have you been raped?"  The woman answered that she had been raped once, to which Katie replied, "NO!  Every time you relive that moment in your mind it's happening over and over again."  Our pain is real and valid, but there is no helpful or loving reason to hold onto those thoughts forever.  The time has come to realize that our once upon a time happenstance is not our current circumstance.  Our past is not our present.  What we have been in our minds is not who we are!  We deserve so much more than what we give ourselves sometimes.  Is it possible that we can be exponentially greater than we are allowing ourselves to be because we are still mentally and emotionally living in our past traumas?  My wish is that, through the process of healing, I can be a better person than I ever was before.  I can be strong, brave, beautiful, wise, fulfilled, and magical.  I can accomplish anything that I dream, be anyone I can create, and inspire a fire with a spark of hope and love.

Colette Baron-Reid

 "This is the symbol of the mythmaker and story teller who is neither made of nor defined by the story.  Instead he observes it, evolves through it, perceives all aspects of it.  In so doing, the Mystical Shaman represents the ability to dream a new story, a new myth, into being...He reminds us to be in the world and travel through it, but not to be defined by it or become too attached to the experience."  "You are called to create and dream your life, to act on inspiration and divine impulse without fixating on a known story of success or achievement...Who would you become if you stopped telling the tales that have defined you up until now?  You do not have to live in a story that has roots in the past.  What if there were no need to explain you to anyone, not even to yourself?  The way to your most extraordinary life is to become a blank slate and allow the form of your dreams and desires to show up, as it will."

       Once my inner healing has begun I feel the desire to help others reach this green pasture of peace, but the reality is that WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OWN OWN HEALING.  When we seek relief we will only be given what we are open to receiving.  Sometimes our minds needs to grow more before a full healing is possible, and sometimes we may subconsciously not want to be healed.  What would be left to hide beneath?  We become comfortable wading in our black hole of grief, wearing it around our shoulders to comfort what's within.  We know that we want to feel better, but we have to be ready and willing to take the steps it requires to get there.  A journey is only as long as the travelers trek.  We don't fly until we've learned to crawl, walk, run, jump, and swim first.  Once we shed the heavy skin of victims blisters we will see the soft and tender flesh beneath.  If we can let go of what we have anchored ourselves to and cried over for so many years and take a brave step forward then the real work towards becoming who we were put on this earth to be can truly begin.  We were born for a purpose, with a gift, individual and beautiful to share with the world.  We are all birthed to attain two objectives: a personal lesson to learn during this lifetime and then also a world goal to accomplish using the reach of our inherent skills.  I think that for a lot of us overcoming abuse or addiction IS the lesson that we were meant to learn.  Oh, how much have we learned!  We've mastered pain, hopelessness, powerlessness, rejection, loss, solace, aspiration, control, acceptance, and triumph.  Now we must find our magic and share it with the world.  There is a glitter about you that can be showered upon the heads of the broken, a fire within that can warm the hands and hearts of those who don't yet know that there's even hope for them.  We listen to our desires, trust our intuition, and dance in the joy and madness that is freedom from the burden of being who others ineffectively tried to make us become.       

Colette Baron-Reid

"When Wild woman dances in..., she reminds you of the essence of authenticity and freedom.  Divested of all social constraint and cultural conformity, the Wild Woman holds up a mirror to your essential self- the true essence of who you are and who you're meant to become.  She is a reminder of the bright light within each of us that gets dimmed by the restrictions imposed upon us by the expectations of society.  She reminds us that in order to be fully present to life, we must uncover that light and let it shine brightly...you're invited to shine brightly and to know that your true self is being called out to engage the world.  Your authentic self doesn't fit in a box; it needs the freedom to shine... The Wild Woman says, 'Shine brightly, dance with abandon, be yourself, and let the Great Spirit decide what happens.'"
Who will you become?

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Prayer Of The Dark Night (Sahasrara)

       As little children our prayers probably went a little something like, "Bless Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, and keep Fido safe since he has to sleep outside."  A very endearing supplication from an innocent little heart to God's ears somehow gets warped when that tiny child grows.  The adult prayer tends to go more along the lines of, "Please help me get a better job, bless my finances, make my spouse act differently, bless me with more, help me lose weight, I need, I need, I need, I want...."  Everyone has the right to pray however they choose, but what is the purpose?  What IS prayer?  Prayer is more than just a time to beseech a power higher than ourselves for what we need and desire, it is a time to align ourselves with all of creation and its greater good.  When we come before the God of our understanding we are humbling ourselves to our will and saying aloud that our life is exactly the way it was meant to be at that moment for whatever lesson we were meant to learn; it is trust.  It is love; knowing that we will be taken care of the way that the birds of the air and the beasts of the field are cared for.  Sometimes we ask for healing that doesn't come, but I think what we must understand is that once we come to God in prayer there is a way to set our inner spirit in line with our God spirit.  Prayer is our conscious connection to God and we must pray in an authentic way to truly make a difference in our own lives.  That means not turning to God when we need something, but turning to God when we want to be with someone.  When we realize that prayer is not about our words to God, but rather about our life WITH God then prayer becomes energy medicine.
       Our highest energy center, Sahasrara, is the source of enlightenment and spiritual connection to all that exists.  It is the realization that we are pure awareness, emerging through the confines of the physical body, ego, mind, and intellect.  Like a single drop in the ocean, we are a part of something in which we are contained and encompassed into every expansive aspect of consciousness.  Through this connective awareness we can live with devotion, not obsession, kindness, faith, inspiration, prophetic knowledge, and removed illusions.  Our connection to the wisdom of what is sacred  enables our symbolic sight, vision, intuition, healing, and a quality of trust that transcends human fears.  The spiritual crown empowers us beyond what our physical limitations know because we somehow remember who we were before we became this human that we see in the mirror.  Our souls are not bound by space or time and our bodies are merely an energy ladder that, as we learn to climb it, connects us with the divine Creator of earth and heaven.  When our spirituality is out of balance we tend to lean towards cynicism, closed-mindedness, depression, fatigue, migraines, materialism, frustration, boredom, sleep disorders, and mental illness.  In our darkest night the truth is calling to us, beckoning for us to come towards the light and learn what has been known for all of eternity, to see what can only be seen by those who seek, and to drink what our souls have been thirsting for since the moment we were born.
       This depression can sometimes arise out of what Saint John of the Cross called the "dark night of the soul," or spiritual awakening.  He believed that in some instances people needed to break away from the church in order to seek their own spiritual development and form a fully conscious bond with the Divine.  The development of strange new fears, the absence of meaning and purpose, and a deeper longing for knowledge brings about a spiritual crises in even the most devoted of Christians.  We have a natural longing to touch something that can transcend human restriction and release our fears.  We long to hope and dream, to be devoted to something that is greater than ourselves.  We need to be responsible for what we create in life, to discover the great power of our spirits, and live in service to all of life.  We desire to act and think through wisdom, in the knowledge that religion is a group experience and spirituality is an individual experience.  Akin to the last rites/extreme junction of the catholic church we need to come back to nothingness before we find everything.  Where we realize that there is no beginning and no end, release our regrets, complete our unfinished business, and recall our souls.  We must live in the present moment and know that we are part of the Divine.  I honor the Divine within me and seek to understand and learn from my life experiences.  I cherish my spirit and listen to the wisdom of the universe as I seek experiences that nourish my soul.  I trust my intuition, let go of attachments, love and accept myself, and move in grace.  I am grateful for all of the goodness in my life.  I am at peace.
What are you praying for?


"God is love, and he who is in love is in God and God in him."
-Meister Eckhart

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Watching Stones

       I don't particularly feel like being inspirational today, in fact I might even want to just sit here and be a little indolent.  And I think that's okay.  My brain is tired from learning and growing, and my body is exhausted from the work.  The results that I am constantly striving to achieve seem daunting at times, and right now is no exception.  I am at a place where the road I am on has many turns in the path that beg to be traveled.  I feel the need to tour every trail, to see it all, to know it all...but for right now I am weary.  I will sit here and rest for a while, and I will not feel guilty about it.  I know that the clouds will rain again and the sun will continue to shine and nourish, but I cannot keep chasing the wind for the roots that wish to grow to this spot.  The earth beneath me right this moment is what I need in order to strengthen my core, and this moment is all there is.  One day I will get up and continue down one of the many winding paths before me and I will be grateful for the opportunity to journey.  But right now I am thankful for the shade and repose.  Rest, relaxation, inactivity, slumber, quiet, calm, tranquility, composure, serenity, PEACE.  Life moves so quickly that we feel we must keep up.  There are times to wake and work to be done and meals to be eaten and items to be cleaned, people to care for.  But right now I need to care for me.  I need to NOT move as quickly as my environment.  I need to sit with my legs crossed and look above the swirling chaos of life to stare at the still stars and constant moon.  Once I slow down to a zero pace I can see how busy even the earth is.  Clouds blow by, birds sing and flit, ants toil away, and even squirrels busy themselves with the gathering of what they probably don't need.  At an even slower pace than that I can begin to see the energy emanating from a slowly reaching tree, the flower lifting its face towards the warm sun, and the rock as it breathes and bathes in its environment.  I must lay here, like a stone, and just watch.  Observe, view, gaze, contemplate, survey, regard, behold, and study until my mind is full and my head is tired.  Then I will breathe in and close my eyes to allow myself to be nothing but a thing existing.  Once I am only that, only being right there right then, then I know I have arrived.  When I am thoroughly rested I will once more pick up and start out on my travels.  The journey ahead may still appear ominous, even disconcerting, but the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.
Why rush?

A Perfect Circle- Eat The Elephant

Monday, October 22, 2018

Confession- Step 5

       Confession, relating to the sacrament of penance and the energy of the fifth chakra, is the call to action in the fifth step of our healing pilgrimage.  This step asks that we admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  Telling on ourselves is never easy, but as we look closer at the order of this step we can learn to honor it, and so honor ourselves.  When we have harmed someone we should first admit to our higher power that we were wrong.  This helps us to have a change of heart, a moment of reflection to look at what we've done and make the decision to make it right.  This is so important because we have to make the DECISION and set our INTENTION in a place of reconciliation before any further healing can begin.  Often I hear people go ahead and apologize to another person who is angry with them without meditating on it first, and it often comes off as a half-hearted attempt to simply pacify the angry person.  In order to make a true heart-felt apology we need to take the time to actually realize HOW and WHY we were wrong and practice the atonement process with our higher power.
       After we ruminate on our actions, then we move on to admitting to ourselves what we did.  This is my favorite part of this step, because after beating myself up for days or weeks or years over mistakes that I've made, I get to suddenly realize that I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF!  My God forgives as instantly as I do wrong, but I'm the one who really needs the convincing to forgive myself for my wrong doing, and once that's done everything else looks a little easier and brighter.  The final part of this step is admitting to someone else what I did wrong, which is really the hard part.  We don't necessarily have to confront the person that we've harmed yet, but we should tell a friend or sponsor about the harmful thing we did, if only to get the situation out of the mental realm and into the physical field where we can see it a little more clearly.  I often will talk to my partner about how I'm feeling and admit my guilt to him first, then bring myself to the person who I feel I hurt.  This is the part that makes my heart beat faster and my palms feel hot with anticipation, but the longer I wait to talk to the person I harmed after I've made the conscious decision that I need to, then the heavier the weight upon my chest feels about the prospect.  The important thing for me to remember about this is that I'm not asking them for forgiveness; I've already been forgiven by God and myself.  What I'm doing is simply telling them that I was wrong, that I shouldn't have done or said what I did, and in so doing I am releasing negativity within myself and calling a piece of my soul back to me as I finish that business.  The other person can choose to forgive me at that point or to continue to hold a grudge, that is only their choice, and one that affects their health alone.
       It isn't easy telling people that we were wrong, but it is such an important step to take towards the maturity of our souls.  The Vishuddha energy center located in our throats directly relates to communication and the will.  It seems defeating to give up control and let our pride fall away, but I've learned that there is nothing on this earth more freeing than setting down my burdens and opening the baggage.  We've carried that load for so long that it seems a part of who we are, almost to the point where we don't always remember the stink and weight of what we're carrying.  But once we stop, throw down our bags, open the top and let it all out everything changes.  It seems messy at first, maybe even scary, but once we look it in the eye and let it go we can keep walking without that weight dragging us down.  Shamanic societies believe in "soul retrieval", or recovering the pieces of ourselves to make us whole and heal from within.  They teach us that whenever we suffer an emotional or physical trauma that a piece of our soul fragments to flee the pain.  Likewise, whenever we do harm we leave a piece of ourselves within the spiritual realm of unfinished business.  Admission, confession, declaration brings about revelation, mending, and the much longed for transformation.
What will you confess to yourself?


"Once you forgive yourself, the self-rejection in your mind is over. Self-acceptance begins, and the self-love will grow so strong that you will finally accept yourself just the way you are. That's the beginning of the free human. Forgiveness is the key."   
-Don Miguel Ruiz

     

Monday, October 8, 2018

The Wounded Child (Anahata)

       "Fear is the heart of love," I swayed as she sang along to her husband strumming his guitar, "so I never went back..." a sad line to croon, but later that day I thought it to be true.  An argument between my own partner and I led to a hurtful exchange of words that left me sitting with a deep pain in my chest.  I quietly realized that the pain was wrenching in the area of my heart as I thought about the words that hurt me, but as I turned everything over in my brain I noticed that the pain began to move.  My segmented thoughts grew into sentences and unspoken retaliations that pushed the pain up into my throat.  I felt choked on the words that I wasn't speaking, and the more I suppressed my distress the more resentment seemed to build.  As the animosity grew and settled, the pain slowly fell into my bellybutton where my energy is affected by my relationships.  Of course my husband and I worked things out within minutes, but I felt that I suddenly understood myself a little better because of this interchange.  Our thoughts, words, and actions (or lack thereof) can either empower us or suck the life energy straight from our bodies.  Why did I continue negative thought patterns and self-harming belief systems?  Fear.  Jealousy, bitterness, anger, hatred, and the inability to forgive grow directly out of anxiety, crippling our hearts to its true purpose in the divine intention of our lives.  Lucky for us that love, compassion, confidence, hope, forgiveness, dedication, inspiration, trust, and the ability to heal can pour forth from our hearts to endlessly nurture our life force.
       The heart is the energy center that separates the physical from the spiritual.  The lower three chakras are based in physical, emotional, and mental aspects of the somatic realm, whereas the higher three chakras are based in the spiritual realm.  The heart is the transforming agent between the higher and lower worlds- isn't that beautiful?  In order for the spiritual to become physical it must pass through the heart, and in order for the physical to become spiritual the heart must transform it.  Love is the power of the divine.  Love goes beyond the sacrament of marriage, it is the internal union of the self and the soul, the true motivator of the human body and spirit.  Unconditional love, love in its purest form, is what gives us the ability to forgive others, ourselves, and fuel inner peace as we release the need to evoke justice and trust in the divine plan.  To embrace our pure power we must have the courage to listen to our hearts emotional messages and inner instructions.  The "wounded child" is what Caroline Myss calls the damaged emotional patterns, negative attitudes, dysfunctional self-images, and painful memories that develop within us during our childhoods.  She believes that a child who fears abandonment can become a jealous adult, a sexually abused minor can grow into a sexually dysfunctional grown-up, and a negative self-image can turn a healthy person into an alcoholic, bulimic, or anorexic.  Loving ourselves means letting go of that wounded child's authority over us and rocking our emotions until the tears stop flowing.  Someone who was abused many years ago can hurt themselves even more by reliving that abuse in their own minds every day of their lives until they are crippled from the pain of the memory.  Self-love means forgiving others, because our wounds don't hurt the people who hurt us, they only hurt us.  Our wounded child sees the world as working in a reward/punishment system, but a fully functioning Anahata moves past needing explanations and views life through fulfilling consciousness, not fear.  The word Anahata translates from Sanskrit as "UNHURT", the spiritual place where past experiences and grievances cannot harm us.  I will be fully open to giving and receiving love.  I will instantly forgive, not only others, but myself as well.  I love myself unconditionally.  I love others unconditionally.  Love is my guiding truth, my hearts desire, and my joy.  I will live gratefully, because it is safe for me to love and be loved.  I will have unconditional compassion for myself and others as I free myself from past hurts.  For "we will all have experiences meant to 'break our hearts'- not in half but wide open."
Is your wounded child still crying?


Music by Mary and Martin Callozzo