When I Die...An Open Letter To My Family

       Death is a difficult concept for people to accept, no matter what you believe about the afterlife.  Even if you don't believe that death is the absolute end, there is still some fashion of finality there that saddens and burdens the soul.  There is an empty place in the hearts of the loved ones left behind where that person once took up space.  Now there is a hole there that can not be filled by anything else because that space was very specifically shaped.  That's okay, nothing else was meant to take that space.  That emptiness was left there so that we would continue to remember.  I would like to think that I have left a very "me" shaped hole in the hearts of those I love, and when I pass I hope that I have loved those people hard enough that they will miss my presence.  But I also hope that I have instilled enough of myself that they can feel the imprint of where I once was and smile in the sure knowledge of my wishes.  When I die I want my family to cremate me.  Don't spend tons of useless money on coffins and burials, just turn my body into ashes.  I want them to gather together, especially the family members who haven't spoken in years, and mourn together as one.  I want to bring my family closer together, and if that's something that can only be done through my death, then let it be.  I want them to remember who I was completely and wholly.  Remember the little person I was once, the evil that came, the mistakes I made, the strength it took to overcome, and who I flourished into.  I want each close family member, especially those struggling with the loss, to get a handful of my ashes to take home with them.  Right now I am speaking to my husband, my children, my father, my mother, my brothers, and my sisters.  Whenever it rains and you feel alone, stand in the downpour with your fist clenched around my body of ash and let the tears flow.  Let the water mix and turn me into mud in your fingers and cry and wallow in the rain until your eyes are dry and your clothes are drenched.  When you feel angry with me for leaving you in this world, take my ashes and throw them as hard as you can into the wind.  The breeze will carry me along the path that leads me back to you.  Scream into the currents of the air, let out your frustration until your body is too weak to hold a grudge.  And whenever the sun is shining, stand in its beams and toss my ashes into the air.  Remember the good times and how we laughed and danced together as my body falls to mix with the dirt under your feet.  Do these things to process and to grieve.  Do not go to the cemetery to tell me about your day, because I will not be there.  I will be wherever you keep me. I will be kissing your forehead when it rains, hugging your cheek when the wind blows, whispering secrets when the thunder strikes, and beaming down at you with love when the sun shines.  Most importantly, don't forget the music. Whether or not you choose to abandon all cares and move with the rhythm in your soul, don't forget to be true to the heartbeat that lies just beneath the surface of us all.
What's your will?