Extinguished - Step 6

       There has always been a fire in us, one that burns with a rage and a temper of wild proportions.  We hold this flame deep inside of ourselves where it can't be seen unless we allow it to be seen.  It is a damaging and destructive blaze that we let loose when we feel that we need protection.  Hurt and pain loosen the reins of our fingers from around this light, allowing it to burn brightly and scorch the ground that it feeds upon.  Unchecked this fire will sear the people around us and blow out of control of even ourselves, its master.  Once we've let the flame burn uncontrollably for any amount of time it is nearly impossible to catch this rebellious flare and temper it back down to that small glow that once sat beneath the surface.  That is where the sixth step comes into play:  “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”  We've already recognized that we are powerless over our pain or addiction and taken steps to allow healing into our lives through faith and admission.  We've looked at our lives and accepted that we need to change things, but the thing that we often don't think we need to change is our emotional patterns.  We know that if we're alcoholics that we should stop drinking and if we're addicts then we should stop doing drugs, but we never actually heal (and eventually relapse) if we don't change our life habits.  At this point we already recognize the behavior that harmed ourselves and our friends and family when we acted upon our character defects, but even when we're sober and withholding self-harm we still act on these habits, unless we rip those thoughts and patterns right out of our lives.  Change never happens overnight, it takes practice and new conditioning, hard work and conscious effort.  But what I think we should focus on the most during this sensitive time in our lives is the word "ready".  I am "ready" to change, "ready" to heal my life, "ready" to make amends with the people that I love, "ready" to forgive myself, "ready" to be a better person than I was yesterday.  You can't start a race until you're ready to begin, and you can't accept instruction unless you're ready to learn.  YOU CAN'T HEAL UNLESS YOU'RE READY TO LET GO OF YOUR PAIN.  Nothing in life will ever change unless we are ready for it to change.  It's about making a commitment, a pledge, a promise to ourselves and being patient with ourselves.  It's about being discontent with how we've managed our lives so far, but knowing that we can and will be better as we align ourselves into a place of humble love.  Being "ready" opens us up to prepare and make ourselves available for divine guidance as we aim for the very best of all we can learn and someday be.  Once we are "ready" we have set ourselves into a spiritual state of mind that sets the ground work for the higher power of our understanding to remove from our lives and minds that which is unhealthy and unhelpful for us and our lives.  We are aware of our character defects, tired of them and the pain they're causing, and we become confident in our future path.  We no longer rationalize and make excuses for the hurt that we once caused our family and friends, we no longer blame others for the current condition of our souls.  We are taking responsibility for the consequences of our actions and allowing our disorderly flame to be extinguished by the breath of renewal, forgiveness, and love.  We all have a light inside of us that shines forth to bring beauty and guidance into the world, a glow that will never go out because it shines from the depth of our souls.  The flame that we were unsuccessfully tempering was the fire lit by the chaos of the world, the darkness of the spirit, and the pain of contempt.  When we are ready to extinguish the flame of disdain then we will find that we can peacefully shine brighter than any blaze on the face of the earth.   
What's feeding your fire?

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
-Charles DuBois

Prayer Of The Dark Night (Sahasrara)

       As little children our prayers probably went a little something like, "Bless Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, and keep Fido safe since he has to sleep outside."  A very endearing supplication from an innocent little heart to God's ears somehow gets warped when that tiny child grows.  The adult prayer tends to go more along the lines of, "Please help me get a better job, bless my finances, make my spouse act differently, bless me with more, help me lose weight, I need, I need, I need, I want...."  Everyone has the right to pray however they choose, but what is the purpose?  What IS prayer?  Prayer is more than just a time to beseech a power higher than ourselves for what we need and desire, it is a time to align ourselves with all of creation and its greater good.  When we come before the God of our understanding we are humbling ourselves to our will and saying aloud that our life is exactly the way it was meant to be at that moment for whatever lesson we were meant to learn; it is trust.  It is love; knowing that we will be taken care of the way that the birds of the air and the beasts of the field are cared for.  Sometimes we ask for healing that doesn't come, but I think what we must understand is that once we come to God in prayer there is a way to set our inner spirit in line with our God spirit.  Prayer is our conscious connection to God and we must pray in an authentic way to truly make a difference in our own lives.  That means not turning to God when we need something, but turning to God when we want to be with someone.  When we realize that prayer is not about our words to God, but rather about our life WITH God then prayer becomes energy medicine.
       Our highest energy center, Sahasrara, is the source of enlightenment and spiritual connection to all that exists.  It is the realization that we are pure awareness, emerging through the confines of the physical body, ego, mind, and intellect.  Like a single drop in the ocean, we are a part of something in which we are contained and encompassed into every expansive aspect of consciousness.  Through this connective awareness we can live with devotion, not obsession, kindness, faith, inspiration, prophetic knowledge, and removed illusions.  Our connection to the wisdom of what is sacred  enables our symbolic sight, vision, intuition, healing, and a quality of trust that transcends human fears.  The spiritual crown empowers us beyond what our physical limitations know because we somehow remember who we were before we became this human that we see in the mirror.  Our souls are not bound by space or time and our bodies are merely an energy ladder that, as we learn to climb it, connects us with the divine Creator of earth and heaven.  When our spirituality is out of balance we tend to lean towards cynicism, closed-mindedness, depression, fatigue, migraines, materialism, frustration, boredom, sleep disorders, and mental illness.  In our darkest night the truth is calling to us, beckoning for us to come towards the light and learn what has been known for all of eternity, to see what can only be seen by those who seek, and to drink what our souls have been thirsting for since the moment we were born.
       This depression can sometimes arise out of what Saint John of the Cross called the "dark night of the soul," or spiritual awakening.  He believed that in some instances people needed to break away from the church in order to seek their own spiritual development and form a fully conscious bond with the Divine.  The development of strange new fears, the absence of meaning and purpose, and a deeper longing for knowledge brings about a spiritual crises in even the most devoted of Christians.  We have a natural longing to touch something that can transcend human restriction and release our fears.  We long to hope and dream, to be devoted to something that is greater than ourselves.  We need to be responsible for what we create in life, to discover the great power of our spirits, and live in service to all of life.  We desire to act and think through wisdom, in the knowledge that religion is a group experience and spirituality is an individual experience.  Akin to the last rites/extreme junction of the catholic church we need to come back to nothingness before we find everything.  Where we realize that there is no beginning and no end, release our regrets, complete our unfinished business, and recall our souls.  We must live in the present moment and know that we are part of the Divine.  I honor the Divine within me and seek to understand and learn from my life experiences.  I cherish my spirit and listen to the wisdom of the universe as I seek experiences that nourish my soul.  I trust my intuition, let go of attachments, love and accept myself, and move in grace.  I am grateful for all of the goodness in my life.  I am at peace.
What are you praying for?

"God is love, and he who is in love is in God and God in him."
-Meister Eckhart

Watching Stones

       I don't particularly feel like being inspirational today, in fact I might even want to just sit here and be a little indolent.  And I think that's okay.  My brain is tired from learning and growing, and my body is exhausted from the work.  The results that I am constantly striving to achieve seem daunting at times, and right now is no exception.  I am at a place where the road I am on has many turns in the path that beg to be traveled.  I feel the need to tour every trail, to see it all, to know it all...but for right now I am weary.  I will sit here and rest for a while, and I will not feel guilty about it.  I know that the clouds will rain again and the sun will continue to shine and nourish, but I cannot keep chasing the wind for the roots that wish to grow to this spot.  The earth beneath me right this moment is what I need in order to strengthen my core, and this moment is all there is.  One day I will get up and continue down one of the many winding paths before me and I will be grateful for the opportunity to journey.  But right now I am thankful for the shade and repose.  Rest, relaxation, inactivity, slumber, quiet, calm, tranquility, composure, serenity, PEACE.  Life moves so quickly that we feel we must keep up.  There are times to wake and work to be done and meals to be eaten and items to be cleaned, people to care for.  But right now I need to care for me.  I need to NOT move as quickly as my environment.  I need to sit with my legs crossed and look above the swirling chaos of life to stare at the still stars and constant moon.  Once I slow down to a zero pace I can see how busy even the earth is.  Clouds blow by, birds sing and flit, ants toil away, and even squirrels busy themselves with the gathering of what they probably don't need.  At an even slower pace than that I can begin to see the energy emanating from a slowly reaching tree, the flower lifting its face towards the warm sun, and the rock as it breathes and bathes in its environment.  I must lay here, like a stone, and just watch.  Observe, view, gaze, contemplate, survey, regard, behold, and study until my mind is full and my head is tired.  Then I will breathe in and close my eyes to allow myself to be nothing but a thing existing.  Once I am only that, only being right there right then, then I know I have arrived.  When I am thoroughly rested I will once more pick up and start out on my travels.  The journey ahead may still appear ominous, even disconcerting, but the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.
Why rush?

A Perfect Circle- Eat The Elephant

The Wounded Child (Anahata)

       "Fear is the heart of love," I swayed as she sang along to her husband strumming his guitar, "so I never went back..." a sad line to croon, but later that day I thought it to be true.  An argument between my own partner and I led to a hurtful exchange of words that left me sitting with a deep pain in my chest.  I quietly realized that the pain was wrenching in the area of my heart as I thought about the words that hurt me, but as I turned everything over in my brain I noticed that the pain began to move.  My segmented thoughts grew into sentences and unspoken retaliations that pushed the pain up into my throat.  I felt choked on the words that I wasn't speaking, and the more I suppressed my distress the more resentment seemed to build.  As the animosity grew and settled, the pain slowly fell into my bellybutton where my energy is affected by my relationships.  Of course my husband and I worked things out within minutes, but I felt that I suddenly understood myself a little better because of this interchange.  Our thoughts, words, and actions (or lack thereof) can either empower us or suck the life energy straight from our bodies.  Why did I continue negative thought patterns and self-harming belief systems?  Fear.  Jealousy, bitterness, anger, hatred, and the inability to forgive grow directly out of anxiety, crippling our hearts to its true purpose in the divine intention of our lives.  Lucky for us that love, compassion, confidence, hope, forgiveness, dedication, inspiration, trust, and the ability to heal can pour forth from our hearts to endlessly nurture our life force.
       The heart is the energy center that separates the physical from the spiritual.  The lower three chakras are based in physical, emotional, and mental aspects of the somatic realm, whereas the higher three chakras are based in the spiritual realm.  The heart is the transforming agent between the higher and lower worlds- isn't that beautiful?  In order for the spiritual to become physical it must pass through the heart, and in order for the physical to become spiritual the heart must transform it.  Love is the power of the divine.  Love goes beyond the sacrament of marriage, it is the internal union of the self and the soul, the true motivator of the human body and spirit.  Unconditional love, love in its purest form, is what gives us the ability to forgive others, ourselves, and fuel inner peace as we release the need to evoke justice and trust in the divine plan.  To embrace our pure power we must have the courage to listen to our hearts emotional messages and inner instructions.  The "wounded child" is what Caroline Myss calls the damaged emotional patterns, negative attitudes, dysfunctional self-images, and painful memories that develop within us during our childhoods.  She believes that a child who fears abandonment can become a jealous adult, a sexually abused minor can grow into a sexually dysfunctional grown-up, and a negative self-image can turn a healthy person into an alcoholic, bulimic, or anorexic.  Loving ourselves means letting go of that wounded child's authority over us and rocking our emotions until the tears stop flowing.  Someone who was abused many years ago can hurt themselves even more by reliving that abuse in their own minds every day of their lives until they are crippled from the pain of the memory.  Self-love means forgiving others, because our wounds don't hurt the people who hurt us, they only hurt us.  Our wounded child sees the world as working in a reward/punishment system, but a fully functioning Anahata moves past needing explanations and views life through fulfilling consciousness, not fear.  The word Anahata translates from Sanskrit as "UNHURT", the spiritual place where past experiences and grievances cannot harm us.  I will be fully open to giving and receiving love.  I will instantly forgive, not only others, but myself as well.  I love myself unconditionally.  I love others unconditionally.  Love is my guiding truth, my hearts desire, and my joy.  I will live gratefully, because it is safe for me to love and be loved.  I will have unconditional compassion for myself and others as I free myself from past hurts.  For "we will all have experiences meant to 'break our hearts'- not in half but wide open."
Is your wounded child still crying?

Music by Mary and Martin Callozzo

Transforming Fire (Manipura)

       Manipura, located in the upper abdomen, is the very core of our feminine mystique.  The fires that burn from our bellies bring forth into the world our mental abilities, intellect, and confidence.  From these flames spit our personal power, identity, and confidence.  A woman who can make decisions, clear judgments, and assert her opinions and beliefs is a woman with a well balanced solar plexus chakra.  It's difficult, especially for a person still healing, to exert bravery and stand up for themselves.  We must learn to tame our inner fires so as not to misuse our power or let our ambition abuse those around us, but we must also learn to fan the flames within us in order to take control of our own lives and feel the independence that we so longingly strive for.
       In Sanskrit this word means "shining gem", which is very becoming considering the way that life's pressures squeeze us until we either turn to diamonds or dust.  To better understand Manipura, we must first look at the element that represents it.  When thinking of fire I think of the weakest, yet most unyielding, of the elements.  Fire is lovely to look at, beautiful, enchanting.  It draws us in and has a mystical allure that can't quite be explained.  Fire brings warmth, color, and even fun as it dances in a way that seems to say, "I can't be tamed."  When out of control a fire can scorch the earth and consume everything in its path, but when stifled the fire can be easily put out by every other element.  Air, water, and earth can all suffocate a hesitant flame with ease, but fire needs and craves all of the other elements in order to exist.  Fire needs the air in order to burn, the earth to contain it, and the water to temper it.  In this same respect, our personalities can display this imbalance as excessive control or helplessness, obsession or irresponsibility, intolerance or overindulgence, insecurity, fear, lack of confidence or low self-esteem.  A balanced Manipura allows us the much needed control over our thoughts and emotions to help us set healthy boundaries.
       Anytime we must fight within ourselves to muster up the courage to conquer a fear, or when we struggle to speak up for ourselves, or whenever we simply have to employ self-control in a situation, we are activating and exercising our solar plexus chakra.  We must learn to utilize this energy force for our own sake, to fulfill our own personal power.  We need to know that we have the means to tap into self-assurance, self-discipline, and to move forward in confidence anytime we get the courage to reach inside of ourselves and let our yellow fire shine through.  Fire has the ability to hurt others, but it also can take other elements and transform them into more than their original selves.  Through the flames water can become air, air can become water, and earth can become glass.  Personal power does not mean that we have the ability to manipulate others, it means that we have the potential to master ourselves, and that vital capability to choose is the softly spoken message of the Manipura.  We can overcome any fear, conquer any demon, and demand the respect that we deserve.  I will not judge or criticize myself any longer, but instead I will choose to seek out and live my life purpose.  I will light Manipura as a torch held high and let its light guide me to love and accept myself, to stand up for myself, and to be strong and courageous.  It will remind me that I am worthy of love, kindness, and respect.  Its blaze will awaken in me the ability to choose what is best for myself and express myself in a powerful way.  Its warmth will keep strong the ambition to direct my own life and my power to choose.  I am free in any situation.  I feel my own power, and I am at peace within myself.
What burns within you?

"Until you've found the fire inside yourself you won't reach the spring of life."
- Rumi

Primal Roots (Muladhara)

       Fight or flight, natural survival instincts, the need to feel safe, these are all basic human rights and visceral urges.  Safety seems like such a fundamental and common thing to feel, but forty percent of all adults suffer from anxiety disorders, only ten percent of which get effectual help.  Once more, we can look into ourselves and see the imbalance.  The imbalance with no particular cause or cure, just a person who is either overactive or underactive at their root.  Muladhara can be broken into two words: Mula, which means root, and Dhara, which translates from Sanskrit as support.  Located at the base of the spine, this energy center in the body is where we store our sense of safety and security throughout our earthly journey.  This is our foundation, our grounding place, the firm soil and stable base from which all of our other chakras stem and flow.  If this tender ground is uprooted then all of the branches and leaves above will shake and quiver from the instability of the movement.  The clearing of every chakra is important for happiness and the achievement of enlightenment, regardless of whether the pain stems from sexual trauma, feelings of not being good enough, a broken heart, a hidden voice, inability to trust, or disbelief in the divine, because all of these energy points are connected.  Think of your body as a spiritual energy conduit of the celestial.  The life force penetrates through the crown and must travel through each chakra before exiting  at the root, meaning that a root issue can back up into an entire body problem.  A solid bedrock provides us the stability needed to create a home filled with joy and the banishment of anxiety, fear, and nightmares.  Grounding, also called earthing, is a way to plug our physical bodies into the spiritual earth and balance out our energy.  Nervous disorders abound with an overactive Muladhara because it is our survival center, our animal nature, our instinctual responses, our fearful need to continue to exist.  Fear is healthy for survival in some cases, but a balance is always needed for peace.  Sometimes, especially for survivors, it's difficult to trust that the world will give us what we need in order to endure, but connection to our higher self and trusting in a power greater than ourselves can help us feel safe.  Whether you call it Consciousness, Mother Nature, God, The Great Spirit, or your Higher Power, trust in the divine the way that a deer trusts that she will find food and watch as your stability and peace begin to grow.  The energy of the root allows us to harness our inner courage, resourcefulness, and the will to survive when we are going through tough times, but this base chakra also carries our ancestral memories, connecting us with the spiritual challenges and triumphs of our predecessors.  Memories of war, famine, disease, natural disasters, and abuse are all imprinted and passed down through the generations, weaving painful patterns and fearful framework.  When unbalanced there may be more problems to arise than just panic disorders and trust issues, this divergence can lead to physical troubles like eating disorders, bladder and elimination issues, back and leg pain, and ovarian cysts.  Basic needs such as food, water, shelter, and physical safety are not the only things needed to be happy in life; our emotional needs must also be met.  We must learn to let go of fear and focus our spiritual connections by nurturing the soul and meditating on our spirit guides.  As we pursue the bonding of our human experience with the earths energy we can relax as we begin to worry less, feel peace, and develop a sense of accomplishment.  People will notice how we begin to reach out to others through acts of kindness and compassion once we feel safe on the inside.  We are all animals fighting that basic instinct to survive, but even the animals know that they are a part of the earth and that there is no need to worry.  We must eat when we are hungry, sleep when we are tired, and flow with the energy of the world as if harmony could keep us centered to the core of all that is.  I will tell myself that I am deeply rooted, that I am safe, that I have a right to be here, that I stand for my values and my truth and for justice, that I have what I need, and that I am here standing on my own two feet.  I will nurture my body with exercise and relaxation, be open to new possibilities, and trust in the goodness of life.  I must be grateful for the challenges that help me grow and transform.  I must make choices that are good for me, and I must trust myself.  I must love life.
What's your primal root roaring for?

The Chakra Series

The Land Of The Free

"Where liberty dwells, there is my country."

- Benjamin Franklin

       On July 2, 1776, congress voted to adopt the Declaration of Independence which declared the thirteen established colonies on American soil to have sovereign freedom from the powerful hold of Great Britain.  This handcrafted document was more than just a demand for freedom, it was a bold and empowering stride for all the people who had been at war with King George III for their natural and legal rights, embracing their right to revolution.  A natural right is a persons right to be happy, seek peace, worship the god of their own choosing, hold to their morality, and what we often have heard described as the right to life and liberty.  These particular rights are nonnegotiable and inalienable, unable to be taken from us by any man.  A legal right is defined as a claim that is recognized and protected by sanctions of the law that enables or imposes some transaction, course of conduct, or the infringement of the state to provide a just remedy within its court system.  Of all the rights recognized by our founding fathers, the one that I hold the most pride in is the right of revolution.  Given that we are human beings under the rule of other fallible human beings, we have the privilege and the duty to overthrow a government that acts against the common interest of its people or threatens the safety of the people without cause.  Let us never forget that our leaders do not have absolute dominance over us, but rather our leaders have an obligation to the people.  Equitable rulers should take pride in the joy of their people and make wise decisions that bring about peace for all.
       Standing back to watch all of the political chaos and drama has allowed me the opportunity to take on a fresh perspective of what is happening in America right now.  I have decided that the separation between church and state that Thomas Jefferson wrote about to the Danbury Baptists, and James Madison outlined in the First Amendment, is an unfortunate necessity.  I know that the law was made in order to protect our religious freedom, but I choose to respect this law because I do not believe that lawmakers or law enforcers can be completely moral people.  Strong words, but maybe true?  Times like these divide the people into two groups: the lawmakers/enforcers and the rebel activists.  Times likes these help a person decide what they care about most: upholding the law of their land or preserving their soul through acts of morality.  A lawmaker/enforcer will follow blindly, see in black and white, and punish according to the statutes set by their superiors.  A rebel activist will not follow where there is already a paved road, they see many gray areas where compassion and understanding are deserved, and punishment is not always considered justice.  Both of these types of people may be required in order to make a country into a governed territory, but perhaps only one of these types of people are needed to create a peaceful lifestyle.  There was once a spiritual leader who served the masses and taught nothing but love and forgiveness, compassion and higher existence.  He cared not for the laws of man, following only the compass of his own heart.  To test his brand of justice, the lawmakers of the time brought a woman before the teacher who had broken the law and her offense was punishable by death.  The rebel activist answered them by saying, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."  He was a radical law-breaker; unconcerned and uninterested in the politics and rules that bound society, and eventually he was put to death for his profound teachings that led the world in an entirely new direction.
       From a historical viewpoint, we are a nation made entirely of immigrants.  The British were the first to travel and permanently settle in America back in the 1600's, followed by the Africans (against their will), and then later the Dutch, Germans, Swedes, Finns, and Irish.  In the 1500's Spain established a few ports in Florida, founded San Juan and Santa Fe, and eventually San Antonio was settled by Canary Islanders in 1731.  By the 1800's California, Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico was covered with these settlements.  The French arrived in the 17th century to form Louisiana, Saint Louis, and parts of Michigan, Illinois, and Missouri.  The Canadians started migrating south and the Mexicans started traveling north.  Between 1841 and 1850 alone nearly 1,715,000 immigrants came to America to escape famine, poverty, religious persecution, and death.  Between 1820 and 1930 thirteen MILLION people came over from Britain, Germany, and Ireland to escape the Great Famine, and after the year 1880 nearly twenty-five MILLION Europeans came to America including the Italians, Greeks, Hungarians, Poles, and close to four million Jews.  It's very obvious to me that the ONLY people who live in America right now who are NOT descended from immigrants are the Native Americans.  The war we are now fighting is not new, it has in fact been waging since the very first immigration law was put into place in 1882 that prohibited only Chinese workers from migrating to America during the Gold Rush.  Even then our leaders were losing sight of the original vision.  Even though we weren't there, we can imagine the glorious day that the Statue of Liberty was dedicated to America as a symbol of freedom.  The robed figure is meant to be a representation of the Roman goddess Libertas, the national symbol of France and worshiped by emancipated slaves in ancient times.  A broken chain lies at her feet and her torch is held high as a beacon for all sea travelers who seek her asylum upon Liberty Island, the land dubbed "common to all the states" by Bartholdi.  Can we travel even further back to imagine what it was like to fearfully sit under cover and watch bombs bursting in the air, feel the ground shaking from the blasts, our ears ringing with screams and explosions, and then to wake the next morning to find that our flag, our beautiful waving symbol of hope and liberty and freedom, was still there?  How can we hold fast to our history while pushing away the very libertarian ideals that this country was built upon?  How can we uphold laws that turn away the very same poor, persecuted, and tyrannized peoples?  And how can we expect our souls to be at peace when we pass from this earth knowing that we have not done everything that we could to stop it?
Will you hold fast the torch for the Mother of Exiles?

THE NEW COLOSSUS

By Emma Lazarus 

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

"He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty, he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself."

- Thomas Paine

"May we think of freedom, not as the right to do as we please, 

but as the opportunity to do what is right."

- Peter Marshall

I Never Knew

       I once knew a woman whose hair grew long and free.  I would visit with her from time to time while she stared off into the distance, far past me.  Stories of was and when tumbled from her lips, but her words brought tears to my eyes because I never realized what I never knew.  I had never known that her small frame had once been beaten by fists of disgrace, her fair skin blemished with the scars of hate.  I loved to stare into the glistening pool of her eyes, never knowing that their depths had been dug by the fingers of despair.  I felt that she had accomplished much through her bravery and creativity, but I never knew that each day was a struggle of life and death, no's and maybe's.  A crushing weight sat upon her chest, but to me it looked as though she was laying upon the ground on purpose.  Her doll-like feet seemed to float above the blades of grass as she walked, but underneath were striped scars from the glass and the rocks.  Her breasts were humble, not hidden but not boasted, while underneath were the secreted burns of the branding iron.  I thought her perceptive, all knowing it seemed.  But the truth is that she was hyperaware, needing to always know her way to safety if danger began to scream.  Her body appeared to move seamlessly with the wind as she danced around the nights fire; I never knew that she was really dodging the hot sparks of desire.  The stars seemed to shine down upon the halo of her simple brow, the flowers and trees bending while she passed with an extravagant bow.  She told me of far away places and caverns and caves, beaches where century old soldiers unearthed graves.  She had witnessed the birth of the moon in all of its wondrous glory, and had sat in awe as the suns flames rose to chase the infant underground.  I watched as her fingers wove colorful lives together, magic and stars exploding instantly without sound.  In her passion and fury her words blew smoke and her eyes shone blue as day, red as night, and finally green as her breath began to slow.  Her scarred chest heaved up and down in time with the feathers that round her head wound.  When her tongue spoke no more, the stories were at an end, I looked up to beseech her to tell me more, "one more!" I implore.  I felt desperate, not knowing where we would go from here without her words to carry me through another afternoon of laughter and tears.  She held one palm away, allowing its  emptiness to blow away on the breeze of the past.  The other she put to her lips and whispered quietly into, her eyes closed in peace.  The flowers dancing under my toes were the only sound as I suddenly knew that I would have to go on.  I could still visit my muse occasionally, but I felt within myself the truth that was always there.  That I am her, and she is me.  I'm beautiful and lovely just as I thought of her, her journey was a path that I also traveled.  I can wear her flowered crown, pricking my own fingers and growing my own star-laced gown.  My own eyes shine with the galaxy and planets that align, my own womb bearing the pain of all who could have belonged.  I too am strong; I also have a tale to tell, and the words that flow from my fingers have the power to grow like cancer or shine like moonbeams.  I too can turn my scars into ribbons of grace and wear past injustices as a smile upon my face.  I also harbor magic in the palms of my heart and, if I so choose, can toss my glittered sorrow to spot the sky as stars in the night.

Moon Goddess painting by Karen Ferrand Carroll

Your Own Place (Svadhishthana)

       There is a place hidden within me that I call my own.  A place where my happiness shines with a warm, orange glow.  It is the forest of pleasure that lies at the very center of who I am; a true and unspoiled oasis of the senses.  The torrential waterfall of imagination and bubbling thoughts merge with the mountains of creativity and joy to birth my own passion and intimacy.  It is a natural sanctuary where my Atman visits to sing and dance.  But with the flowing waters of emotion come the scattered pieces of what my awareness must put to shame.  I feel with all of my perceptions, every part of my being, until I can't help but absorb the shame and guilt of societal pressures.  I know, just as much as anyone, that hidden pain and sadness never go away.  I will push myself to express my dissatisfaction's so that I can find my own truth.  In doing so, I will find my freedom.  Sometimes it's hard to find the origination point of emotional upset, but I can feel within my being that there must be a deeply hidden place that stores these sentiments.  This place within is called the Svadhishthana.  It is the absolute foundation of emotional well-being, the energy place that whispers to us about how we relate to the world while we seek the formation of our identity.  It is the place where we FEEL.  It is where we enjoy ourselves and live in the moment, to experience the fullness of life.  Svadhishthana is the heaven that we hold within, and it is easily torn away by the world around our physical bodies.  On the one hand, we have ideas that bring us joy and partners who share our physical pleasure.  On the other hand, we have cultural struggles, societal coercion, and the gross misuse of sexual energy.  The culture we live in magnifies unrealistic images of sex, while other parts of the community condemn physical pleasures.  We live in a world where feelings are not valued, where ardor and emotional reactions are frowned upon, while abusive fetishes and the denial of one's own desires are a necessary sacrifice for "happiness".  The waters between normal, healthy desires and excessive, opportunistic impulses become muddy.  We are left in confusion of our true wants, in shame of our natural responses, and with a lack of fire for anything humanly real.  This disparity is what turns my own soul place into a hell of internal pain, addiction, and emotional instability.  This is where I feel the disconnect between my body and my feelings.  I learned not to trust myself and to deny my true desires.  How can I create anything of beauty when I am disconnected from my sensual self?  I love my body.  I enjoy my body.  I will walk with bare feet.  I will envision the orange glow healing the belly of my closeness.  I will do more of exactly what makes me happy.  I will allow my energy to transform the feelings within my body, to let go, to move, to feel the winds of change.  I will have healthy boundaries.  I will feel pleasure and passion with every breath that I take.  I will nourish my body while valuing and respecting my own needs.  My sexuality is sacred and my emotions are the language of my soul.  I am at peace.
Where's your secret place?

Say I'm A Dreamer

       I want you to go to a quiet place for a while and, if you can, allow your mind to be opened.  Place your right hand over your heart and feel it beating.  Concentrate on slowing the rise and fall of your chest to a steady rhythm.  I want you to imagine that you are releasing all of the tension and stress and pain in your body with each expiration.  With every inhalation imagine that you are breathing in love and light and peace.  When a small smile tugs at the corners of your lips, then we are ready to begin.  Now I want you to imagine that you are sitting on the ground looking at the world around you.  There are no buildings or houses or cars, only other people sitting in their own spot on the earth doing the same thing that you are doing.  No one has any place to be or any judgement to make or anything to sell you.  We are all the same, sitting in the grass across the entire surface of the green planet, holding our hearts and smiling at each other.  You just felt world peace.  You just saw a society where there is nothing to fight for and nothing to hate for.  Everyone was happy within themselves and happy that you were happy within yourself.  Do you know why the human race will never accomplish this?  I do, but for this one moment I will allow myself to feel at peace and continue to imagine a world in harmony.

Imagine there's no heaven (It's easy if you try)

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries (It isn't hard to do)

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people living life in peace

Imagine no possessions (I wonder if you can)

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

IMAGINE ALL THE PEOPLE SHARING ALL THE WORLD

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

       I invite you to stay in this utopia for as long as your busy life will allow you to, and once gone I encourage you to vacation often.  Even if only for a moment, to live life with our fellow creatures in peace and love.  Sarah Howle revisits us to share her ghostly rendition of John Lennon's vision.

What's your dream?

"A Journey To Self Love- A Southern Trans Woman" with guest blogger Jaisee Alexander

       How does one encapsulate their entire experience of life onto a few written pages?  I’m not sure that it is possible, but I am going to give it my best.  I was born in 1988 in the state of South Carolina.  They deemed me male at birth and that was a mistake that would take me my entire life to reconcile.
       As a child, I was quite content with life and myself.  I was caring, light-hearted, spirited, and loving.  I was quite feminine naturally and my parents took notice of it.  At the age of five, they put me into Tai-Kwon-Do in hopes that I would be able to learn to defend myself physically from those who might want to do me harm, due to my feminine nature.
       By the age of seven I was still sucking my thumb (my first addiction, one of many to come) and my parents made me an offer.  They said that if I quit sucking my thumb they would buy me a Pocahontas Barbie doll!  My father reconciled this by stating it was NOT a "real" Barbie doll, but a Native American figurine.  You see by this time, most of my friends were girls.  We always played with Barbies and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to have one.  You better believe that I quit sucking my thumb, and so that Pocahontas Barbie doll was mine.  It is important to note that before I even left my mother I was using external means (my thumb) to bring about internal peace.  This is a behavior that I’ve carried ever since.
       By the age of eight I realized that the way I behaved was contrary to what others expected of me.  So embarked my journey on how to become a boy.  By middle school I was completely isolated from the male population.  I tried to imitate the behaviors of males, but to no avail. No one was buying my act and I’m not sure I did either.
       I began to struggle, as I could not harmonize my religious beliefs with my growing sexual desire for males.  I tried to throw myself deeper into my faith in desperation that if I just loved God hard enough my profane desires might be alleviated.  My teen years were filled with hazing, isolation, self-hatred, confusion, and so on.  Spring break my junior year in high school, I finally agreed to try marijuana.  It was magically incredible and I was temporarily relieved of my suffering.  Within a couple of weeks I began using cocaine and then alcohol.  So began my decade of using mind-altering chemicals in order to avoid and alleviate suffering.
       Puberty came late and so did the most unexpected.  I had been waiting with such hopes that puberty would save me.  My body would masculinize so that I could finally fit into this binary system of sex and gender.  That was not what happened.  I began to develop fat tissue in my chest.  As my nipples protruded a pain began to develop.  As the months continued, so did the pain.  After a year plus, it was unbearable.  I used to walk down the halls of school pulling at the bottom of my shirt so that no one would see the development of my breasts.  I had to walk down stairs so cautiously because it hurt unbearably.  One day I pushed back on my chest and, much to my surprise, a liquid substance secreted from my nipples.  Thus began the draining of my breasts.  The pain became greater than my shame and I finally told my mother.
       My senior year of high school, I under went liposuction surgery and removed all of the breast tissue in order to make my body resemble a male.  I am an intersex person, but I didn’t even know what that was at this time.  I wanted so badly to be “normal”.  I didn’t realize what a mistake of understanding that was.  I was normal.  I was intersex.  Intersex people are normal and are naturally occurring with biology.  I eradicated my experience and natural state.  If only I had had the understanding of loving myself for myself rather than what I believed others wanted me to be.  Now I see that I dismembered my body due to fear and the hopes of acceptance of others rather than my own.
       I’ve always had this skewed idea that this next thing is what will bring about peace.  I went to college and thought education would save me.  I then graduated and traveled Europe.  I thought traveling would save me.  I went to California and thought being in the LGBT community of San Francisco would save me.  I worked on a hippie farm on Mount Madonna and thought that I could find myself under the tit of a goat and chasing chickens.  Since that didn’t work, I decided to go live in a hippie commune of two hundred plus people in the forest of Guatemala!  That surely should do it.  Nope.  So on to Santiago, Chile to teach English I went.  That wasn’t as successful as I had hoped either.
       My life began to unravel in 2012 and I could no longer keep up my appearances.  I became fragmented in mind, body, and spirit.  My addiction to crack and alcohol had consumed me and I was the hostage.  Something came to me in my crack and alcohol induced narcosis and revealed to me that, in order to ever find peace, I was going to have to transition.  My pain was so grave that I tried to take my life for a third time to get away from the suffering.  I was clearly unsuccessful as I suck at killing myself.  I ended up going to rehab and began my transition to female.
       My sobriety date is October 25, 2013.  Within this time I have done many things, such as work on a leadership board of a non-profit directly giving aid and financial grants to transgender citizens in the state of South Carolina.  I’ve held a few jobs but mostly being employed within the sex industry.  You see, internationally the sex industry is the #1 employer of transgender people, as many places will not higher us knowingly.
       I got lost.  Fell off the path and so found myself again using external factors to create internal peace.  I stayed sober from mind-altering drugs, but found other ways to get high.  I bathed in the attention of males and their attraction to my body.  I felt validated in the way I had always craved.  I gave my power away and became dependent on their attention and validation.
       In January 2017 love found me most unexpectedly.  I met with this guy who said that he was looking for a domme trans woman, and I said that I was looking for a versatile submissive male.  At the time we had no idea that we weren’t really looking for that at all.  He peered straight through all of my masks.  There was no deceiving him.  He saw my pain and instead of running in the opposite direction he held it.  This changed everything for me.  I no longer had to carry it all on my own.  So I met again since I was a child, what it meant to be vulnerable.  Having this man love me showed me all the ways that I still came up short in loving myself.
       After he left and returned to his country I was at such a loss.  I no longer had the attention of males and no longer had his love by my side.  After tasting love I no longer wanted the instant gratification of male sexual attention.  I was stuck with the wreckage I had caused.  Again pain became too great to bear, and so I cracked into fragmented parts of myself.  As I did in 2013, I was able to construct something entirely new from the destruction of my own creation.
       I now have a daily devotion to a daily reflection, sending inspiration to over fifty people daily, practice guided and silent mediation daily, practice yoga a couple times a week, attend recovery meetings weekly, focus on a healthy and nourishing diet daily, and aid those that are suffering when presented.  I am finally able to see that craving has been at the root of my suffering in life.  Unless I work to remove it through compassion and love it will continue to limit my fullest potential within this life.
       -Jaisee Alexander
What's your journey to self-love?

Photo by Nic Pilch

Jaisee is a Charleston native with a traveling soul.  Forced to carve out a reality for herself, she lives within alternative planes of existence finding what is meaningful and purposeful for her.  She’s worked in F&B, taught English in South America, WWOFed, been a small business owner, worked in theater, and currently is developing a career in adult entertainment.  Struggle has been the majority of her life until she was able to untangle the twisted worldview that had been given to her.  She strives to empower others through her experience. 
- Jaisee Alexander

Screaming At Trees (Vishuddha)

       Does your chest ever feel so full that you might explode?  I sometimes find that I am full on the inside.  Full of swirling thoughts, anxieties, fears, insecurities, and anger.  These feelings can make it hard to get up and face the day, because it makes everything feel so big.  I'm unsure of myself; how can I face an entire planet full of people?  I followed my crawling toddler through a path in the woods today, and he led me into a clearing surrounded by trees.  The sun fell upon this circular clearing as if it were a spotlight on the stage of the earth.  I sat in the middle of the warm circle and sighed.  I needed to scream.  In fact, we all should have a good scream on the right regular.  The problem is that it feels silly at first.  Where do I go to scream where no one will hear me?  Because if they hear me then they'll look at me funny and then I'll feel stupid.  Who cares?!  Find a place!  Scream into your pillow, go out into the middle of the woods, stand at the edge of the roaring ocean, lock yourself in your car while you're speeding down the highway and just let it out!  A big issue that women face is not even knowing that they don't know how to voice themselves.  We have to find our voices!  Things happen to us and around us and we just keep it quiet like good little girls.  We never make a scene or air out our dirty laundry, just like we were taught.  When people ask us how we're doing we say, "fine," or "great, how about you?".  We don't really mean that shit.  What we actually want is to shout out every single thing that we've ever been upset about from the time we were born.  But we don't, so we struggle with social anxiety, dishonesty, stubbornness, untrustworthiness, verbal aggressiveness, lack of creativity, resentments, and fear of expressing our thoughts.  Maybe they really don't care how you feel, maybe if you speak your opinion they'll react negatively, but you have to get it out!  This week I want every woman to put their hands to their own throat and scream.  Scream loud, scream the way you used to when you were a little kid.  Feel silly?  Do it again!  And again, and again, and again until you feel strong!  Journal your feelings, laugh from your belly and say "thank you!" to the world.  Sing all of your favorite songs LOUDLY and without shame.  Even if no one around you appreciates your voice, I want you to know that I'm proud of you and I think that you're beautiful.  Drink water, imagine that all of your pain is being pushed into a tiny ball and throw that ball into the earth.  Surround yourself with the color blue, practice being assertive, and then spend time in silence.  After you get it all out, every little bit down to your toes, sit in silence and hear your thoughts.  Feel the relief in your body and the exhaustion of your consciousness.  Allow your inner voice to emerge and let it speak lovingly.  Speak your truth openly and freely, honor your own opinion, and allow your muscles to relax as your inner power strengthens you.  Imagine your young self between the ages of seven and twelve.  Whatever happened during this time that may have led you to feel unsafe, unheard, alone, and unimportant...let it go.  Forgive the people who gave you that feeling, and forgive yourself.  Cry when you want to cry, scream when you want to scream, and laugh when you want to laugh.  Give yourself the spiritual embrace that you deserve and be at peace.
What's your voice saying?

Through The Rain

       I awaken from a deep slumber to the steady rhythm of soft rain pattering across the grass outside of my window.  My muscles beg to be stretched as a yawn escapes my lips and my blurry eyes try to focus on the clock.  The minute hand rests at five 'till, and I roll to turn off my alarm before the dreaded buzzing sound assaults my ears.  My feet shuffle through the carpet towards the bathroom where I splash warm water on my eyes before climbing into the sink to sit and paint my face for the day.  A chill creeps across my arms and down my back and I shiver momentarily as my body adjusts to the morning air.  I fight the urge to crawl back under the warm blankets, knowing that my son will be up soon to get ready for school and the baby will be crying for his "Mah" before long.  After the chaotic morning routine subsides, I enter the kitchen and stand at the window watching the rain fill the yard puddles and the cats run from bush to bush in a desperate attempt to keep their gray and white fur dry.  I am suddenly aware that I am alone, and for once everything seems to be still.  There is no sound aside from the rain, and the only movement is the ripples that undulate away from each water droplet.  I momentarily feel sad, peaceful, thankful, still, quiet, and content.  What is the purpose of the rain?  Of course rainwater is essential for all of life, providing the majority of the fresh water on earth which is needed to sustain many types of ecosystems.  But what is the purpose of the rain?  As I drive away from my home I notice the absolute stillness on the roads around me on the way to work; the drone of the windshield wipers and the splash of the tires making my mind sleepy.  Perhaps the rain falls to help us be still.  Life gets to be such a whirlwind of activity and due dates that we sometimes forget to stand motionless and allow nature to be the moving force around us.  We only notice the little things, the birds bathing and the squirrels chattering, when we aren't occupied with our own selves.  Or perhaps, the rain falls to wash away the dregs that built up while the wind was blowing dirt and the animals were tracking their prey.  Cleansing the earth and cleansing the soul is healthy and much needed.  Sometimes we have to strip down and step out of our dingy skin to see the world anew and feel the refreshing breath of life renewed.  Maybe the rain falls for no other reason than to help us all appreciate the sunshine a little more.   Or maybe the rain is nothing more than music sent from the heavens for the special few who have the ears to hear it and the feet to dance in its glory.

Why I'm Never Enough

       Who would I be without that thought?  Could I be happy?  Could I be at peace?  I lay in the sunshine while the baby naps.  I have nothing that needs to be done at that moment, nowhere to be.  The dogs play while the cats roam the yard.  Birds splash in puddles of water and ants crawl from dirt grain to blade of grass.  I look down at my basking body and think to myself, "My thighs are getting fat.  I gained two pounds this week.  My stretch marks look very blue today, I wonder if they'll ever fade.  I need to shave and my hair is getting oily."  My thoughts cause my eyes to wander further up my body as I begin to critique the form of my tummy and the size of my breasts.  My chest tightens as tears well up behind my lashes.  I look to my husband across the yard, who has been peacefully raking dog poop with no complaint, and ask him if he'll always love me.  He looks up, surprised at my random question, and answers, "I hope so."  That was not the exact answer that I thought I needed at that moment, but I listened as he went on.  "You're my best friend, I hope we always have each other."  Suddenly, I realized:  I'm not good enough.  I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE I DON'T LET MYSELF BE.  My husband obviously wanted me more than any other woman on earth because he married ME.  I allow myself to become jealous of other women because I think that, in some way, they must be better than me.  But they're not!  We are ALL made special and unique and beautiful!  I sometimes resent the girl who can sing so beautifully while people praise her talent.  But my baby adores when I sing him his lullabies, and he has never looked up from his crib and said, "Meh.  I think I'd like that other lady to come sing."  He only wants ME.  Life suddenly becomes light when I stop thinking about all of the things that I'm not and simply allow myself to be who I AM.  The people who truly love me don't ever look at me and see knobby knees and long toes.  Those may be some of my physical features, but people who love me look at me and just see ME.  I am more than the sum of my parts.  All of my imperfections make me absolutely perfect!  I AM beautiful.  I AM enough!  I AM powerful!  I will chant that mantra over and over, louder and louder, until I feel brave and big enough to step out and face my day.  Because the ONLY one who actually knows me and still thinks that I'm not good enough is ME.
What's holding you back?