10 Lies I Still Believe

       Tree rings form through time, like years of life, weathering the storms and withstanding the elements that beat down upon its branches.  Each new year that passes leaves a ring within the soul of that tree that carries the imprint of its existence for eternity.  A year without rain leaves behind a ring thin and sickly, while a favorable growing season leaves behind a thick and rich ring.  The inside of the tree trunk cannot be seen until the tree is cut in half, revealing the scars and stories of each year of its life.  It is easy to see where the tree suffered in its surroundings and where it flourished through a season.  We too, through each season of life, carry the imprints of our struggles and graces upon our souls.  We are born a blank canvas and with each year that passes we emotionally grow a little and become weak, or we grow largely and heartily.  But grow we must and it doesn't stop.  And when our weather is bad we can wither on the inside.  Take a trans-section of your heart and you can see every part of love and pain, every time you were hurt.  What's harder to do is to look inside of ourselves and realize that a lot of our pain and stormy weather stemmed from lies.  People have lied to you, they have lied to me, and we have believed them.  When we were too loud or too wild people told us things about ourselves to make us easier for them to deal with, and we took that upon ourselves as truth.  Each experience that we've had in our lives is what makes us who we are; each tree ring makes a whole tree.  We listen to other people make us smaller and water us down until we can be deemed acceptable and appropriate, until we forget that we are wonderful the way we are.  We forget to treat ourselves the way that we would treat someone that we love.  If I pay attention to the way that I doubt and second-guess myself it's easy to see which lies from other people that I have believed, and still do believe, though I try to fight against the fear.  I will try to recognize the untruths that have held me down for so long and empower myself by chanting my own powerful mantras in reassurance of my own strength and beauty.

Lie 1. Don't air your dirty laundry - The biggest problem that I find with being raised as a polite young lady is that we are taught not to talk about bad things.  When bad things happen we keep them quiet and when people do wrong things we ignore it.  We should be learning the opposite of that.  If something bad happens to us we need to speak up immediately!  And if someone does something wrong we should definitely say something.  A loving relationship, whether within the family, among friends, or within the confines of self-love, tells us that we should always stand up for what we know is right and good.  I will not make myself seem more appropriate for your pleasure.  I am allowed to feel unhappy, especially if I am unhappy with the person in front of me.

Lie 2. You're not that kind of girl - I am whatever kind of girl I want to be.  If that's a good girl, then I will do morally good things.  Having natural and normal relations does not make me any "kind" of girl.

Lie 3. You should wear your hair down - I was told this a lot in school, to the point where I began thinking about what other people thought of my looks when I got ready in the mornings.  So I wore my hair down to please the people who needed that of me, only for other people to tell me that they liked my hair up better.  I will wear my hair, and my clothes, and my EVERYTHING exactly the way I want to.

Lie 4. You've changed - That's okay.  Change is good.  But I have found that, while this feels like a hurtful statement for someone to make about you at the time, the only people who usually use this statement do so because you're not giving them what they want.  That's okay.

Lie 5. You're no fun - So shoot me.  We all want to be the fun friend and have people rally to our sides because they like to be around us.  But I will not compromise myself, my morals, or my wants and needs to make you happy with me.  I do not need your approval that badly.

Lie 6. You look good, but... - Stop.  Just stop.  Don't judge me, don't compare me, don't tell me how I should change myself.  I am me.  I am perfect.  I don't need to be different.  I don't need more make-up or nicer clothes or even to brush my hair.  I am myself, and that's all I need to be.

Lie 7. Ladies don't act like that - I am a lady, anatomically and mentally.  However I act, whether I'm cussing or yelling or burping or playing football, HOWEVER I ACT I am still a lady.  I do not have to be any certain way to define my gender.

Lie 8. Don't be selfish - Let's just be selfish sometimes.  We get so lost in being not selfish that we forget to take care of ourselves.  I'm a mother, giving all day and all night.  Giving my time, energy, money, body, patience, my everything.  Sometimes I need to just stop and take care of myself.  Only then can I continue to lovingly and wholeheartedly care for my loved ones.  And once again, I have found that many people who say these words say it as means of manipulation for personal gain.  I will keep my boundaries, lovingly.

Lie 9. You're a handful - I will not water myself down.  I will not make myself small enough to fit into the boxes that other people want to squeeze me into.  When we are children people tell us these things and we feel that we are hard to handle.  I have grown into an apologetic adult who feels guilty for being true to myself because other people may not like the unadulterated me.  I am afraid that I cannot keep a partner, or that I will drive my loved ones away if I show people exactly who I am.  I can't do that anymore.  If they love me, we will coexist and we will handle each other.  How else can we truly love someone?  How can we love someone if we don't know who they are?  How can we love someone 100% if they only show us 75%?

Lie 10. You're too sensitive - I will not apologize for feeling.  The people of planet earth would greatly benefit from feeling their feelings, thinking about them honestly, working through them, and then sharing those thoughts and that healing process with others.  I am sensitive.  I feel.  I am MEANT to feel.  That was a gift given to me divinely.

       People lie to us our whole lives.  They may not even know that they are lying to us to make themselves feel better, to keep their own feelings safe.  People may not realize how much of an impact their words and actions affect the people around them.  I have scarred tree rings surrounding my heart from the hurtful fear of others, and I no doubt have withered other people through my own insecurity as well.  I will begin to treat myself at the standard of care that I want others to treat me.  I will not compromise, and I will continue to flourish and to grow.  I will recognize the pain in others and try my best to nourish their roots, and I will allow them to rest in the shade of my branches while I breathe in the pain around me and breathe out understanding and love.
What lies do you believe?

“Peel me back.  I don't want anyone to fall in love with whatever pretty lie that they may find above.  No.  I need someone to look beyond my flesh and see beneath my bones, and to fall in love with the beauty and filth of the raw mess that they find inside.  So peel me back and see just how beautiful my tragedy can be.”
- Becca Lee

Your Own Place (Svadhishthana)

       There is a place hidden within me that I call my own.  A place where my happiness shines with a warm, orange glow.  It is the forest of pleasure that lies at the very center of who I am; a true and unspoiled oasis of the senses.  The torrential waterfall of imagination and bubbling thoughts merge with the mountains of creativity and joy to birth my own passion and intimacy.  It is a natural sanctuary where my Atman visits to sing and dance.  But with the flowing waters of emotion come the scattered pieces of what my awareness must put to shame.  I feel with all of my perceptions, every part of my being, until I can't help but absorb the shame and guilt of societal pressures.  I know, just as much as anyone, that hidden pain and sadness never go away.  I will push myself to express my dissatisfaction's so that I can find my own truth.  In doing so, I will find my freedom.  Sometimes it's hard to find the origination point of emotional upset, but I can feel within my being that there must be a deeply hidden place that stores these sentiments.  This place within is called the Svadhishthana.  It is the absolute foundation of emotional well-being, the energy place that whispers to us about how we relate to the world while we seek the formation of our identity.  It is the place where we FEEL.  It is where we enjoy ourselves and live in the moment, to experience the fullness of life.  Svadhishthana is the heaven that we hold within, and it is easily torn away by the world around our physical bodies.  On the one hand, we have ideas that bring us joy and partners who share our physical pleasure.  On the other hand, we have cultural struggles, societal coercion, and the gross misuse of sexual energy.  The culture we live in magnifies unrealistic images of sex, while other parts of the community condemn physical pleasures.  We live in a world where feelings are not valued, where ardor and emotional reactions are frowned upon, while abusive fetishes and the denial of one's own desires are a necessary sacrifice for "happiness".  The waters between normal, healthy desires and excessive, opportunistic impulses become muddy.  We are left in confusion of our true wants, in shame of our natural responses, and with a lack of fire for anything humanly real.  This disparity is what turns my own soul place into a hell of internal pain, addiction, and emotional instability.  This is where I feel the disconnect between my body and my feelings.  I learned not to trust myself and to deny my true desires.  How can I create anything of beauty when I am disconnected from my sensual self?  I love my body.  I enjoy my body.  I will walk with bare feet.  I will envision the orange glow healing the belly of my closeness.  I will do more of exactly what makes me happy.  I will allow my energy to transform the feelings within my body, to let go, to move, to feel the winds of change.  I will have healthy boundaries.  I will feel pleasure and passion with every breath that I take.  I will nourish my body while valuing and respecting my own needs.  My sexuality is sacred and my emotions are the language of my soul.  I am at peace.
Where's your secret place?