What No One Tells You About Yourself

You are beautiful

You are good

You are prolific

You are kind

You are smart

You are wise

You are powerful

You can do this

You are strong

Your scars are inspiring stories

Your tears are lovely legacies

Your body is without flaw

You are perfectly you

We are all gems in the crown of the goddess

The moon reflects your inner love

The sun shines just to look upon your face

The grass rises to meet your gentle feet

Because there is no one else like you

You feel because you are connected to me

I smile because I am connected to you

You hurt because your heart carries more love than your human mind can conceive

I laugh because I know your walls don't protect you, they just keep you in

You can come out

It's okay to step out into the unknown

Hold your head high while you bare your chest

Let the world see you

The real you

Because the real you is more than enough

You are perfect

I will stand with you

You are everything

And everything is you

Don't forget that you have wings my dear

Remember that you already possess within you the very magic you long for

You are an irresistible and eloquent force unto yourself

You are imperative, filled with essential might

You are unrivaled

You are the unbroken product of the Creator

You are Woman

"To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person that you are."
- Sholem Asch

10 Lies I Still Believe

       Tree rings form through time, like years of life, weathering the storms and withstanding the elements that beat down upon its branches.  Each new year that passes leaves a ring within the soul of that tree that carries the imprint of its existence for eternity.  A year without rain leaves behind a ring thin and sickly, while a favorable growing season leaves behind a thick and rich ring.  The inside of the tree trunk cannot be seen until the tree is cut in half, revealing the scars and stories of each year of its life.  It is easy to see where the tree suffered in its surroundings and where it flourished through a season.  We too, through each season of life, carry the imprints of our struggles and graces upon our souls.  We are born a blank canvas and with each year that passes we emotionally grow a little and become weak, or we grow largely and heartily.  But grow we must and it doesn't stop.  And when our weather is bad we can wither on the inside.  Take a trans-section of your heart and you can see every part of love and pain, every time you were hurt.  What's harder to do is to look inside of ourselves and realize that a lot of our pain and stormy weather stemmed from lies.  People have lied to you, they have lied to me, and we have believed them.  When we were too loud or too wild people told us things about ourselves to make us easier for them to deal with, and we took that upon ourselves as truth.  Each experience that we've had in our lives is what makes us who we are; each tree ring makes a whole tree.  We listen to other people make us smaller and water us down until we can be deemed acceptable and appropriate, until we forget that we are wonderful the way we are.  We forget to treat ourselves the way that we would treat someone that we love.  If I pay attention to the way that I doubt and second-guess myself it's easy to see which lies from other people that I have believed, and still do believe, though I try to fight against the fear.  I will try to recognize the untruths that have held me down for so long and empower myself by chanting my own powerful mantras in reassurance of my own strength and beauty.

Lie 1. Don't air your dirty laundry - The biggest problem that I find with being raised as a polite young lady is that we are taught not to talk about bad things.  When bad things happen we keep them quiet and when people do wrong things we ignore it.  We should be learning the opposite of that.  If something bad happens to us we need to speak up immediately!  And if someone does something wrong we should definitely say something.  A loving relationship, whether within the family, among friends, or within the confines of self-love, tells us that we should always stand up for what we know is right and good.  I will not make myself seem more appropriate for your pleasure.  I am allowed to feel unhappy, especially if I am unhappy with the person in front of me.

Lie 2. You're not that kind of girl - I am whatever kind of girl I want to be.  If that's a good girl, then I will do morally good things.  Having natural and normal relations does not make me any "kind" of girl.

Lie 3. You should wear your hair down - I was told this a lot in school, to the point where I began thinking about what other people thought of my looks when I got ready in the mornings.  So I wore my hair down to please the people who needed that of me, only for other people to tell me that they liked my hair up better.  I will wear my hair, and my clothes, and my EVERYTHING exactly the way I want to.

Lie 4. You've changed - That's okay.  Change is good.  But I have found that, while this feels like a hurtful statement for someone to make about you at the time, the only people who usually use this statement do so because you're not giving them what they want.  That's okay.

Lie 5. You're no fun - So shoot me.  We all want to be the fun friend and have people rally to our sides because they like to be around us.  But I will not compromise myself, my morals, or my wants and needs to make you happy with me.  I do not need your approval that badly.

Lie 6. You look good, but... - Stop.  Just stop.  Don't judge me, don't compare me, don't tell me how I should change myself.  I am me.  I am perfect.  I don't need to be different.  I don't need more make-up or nicer clothes or even to brush my hair.  I am myself, and that's all I need to be.

Lie 7. Ladies don't act like that - I am a lady, anatomically and mentally.  However I act, whether I'm cussing or yelling or burping or playing football, HOWEVER I ACT I am still a lady.  I do not have to be any certain way to define my gender.

Lie 8. Don't be selfish - Let's just be selfish sometimes.  We get so lost in being not selfish that we forget to take care of ourselves.  I'm a mother, giving all day and all night.  Giving my time, energy, money, body, patience, my everything.  Sometimes I need to just stop and take care of myself.  Only then can I continue to lovingly and wholeheartedly care for my loved ones.  And once again, I have found that many people who say these words say it as means of manipulation for personal gain.  I will keep my boundaries, lovingly.

Lie 9. You're a handful - I will not water myself down.  I will not make myself small enough to fit into the boxes that other people want to squeeze me into.  When we are children people tell us these things and we feel that we are hard to handle.  I have grown into an apologetic adult who feels guilty for being true to myself because other people may not like the unadulterated me.  I am afraid that I cannot keep a partner, or that I will drive my loved ones away if I show people exactly who I am.  I can't do that anymore.  If they love me, we will coexist and we will handle each other.  How else can we truly love someone?  How can we love someone if we don't know who they are?  How can we love someone 100% if they only show us 75%?

Lie 10. You're too sensitive - I will not apologize for feeling.  The people of planet earth would greatly benefit from feeling their feelings, thinking about them honestly, working through them, and then sharing those thoughts and that healing process with others.  I am sensitive.  I feel.  I am MEANT to feel.  That was a gift given to me divinely.

       People lie to us our whole lives.  They may not even know that they are lying to us to make themselves feel better, to keep their own feelings safe.  People may not realize how much of an impact their words and actions affect the people around them.  I have scarred tree rings surrounding my heart from the hurtful fear of others, and I no doubt have withered other people through my own insecurity as well.  I will begin to treat myself at the standard of care that I want others to treat me.  I will not compromise, and I will continue to flourish and to grow.  I will recognize the pain in others and try my best to nourish their roots, and I will allow them to rest in the shade of my branches while I breathe in the pain around me and breathe out understanding and love.
What lies do you believe?

“Peel me back.  I don't want anyone to fall in love with whatever pretty lie that they may find above.  No.  I need someone to look beyond my flesh and see beneath my bones, and to fall in love with the beauty and filth of the raw mess that they find inside.  So peel me back and see just how beautiful my tragedy can be.”
- Becca Lee

Naked Beauty

       Sometimes I like to sit and think about all of the things that I hate doing.  I know that I shouldn't dwell, but some chores are simply no fun and a waste of my life.  Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, working, doing my hair, shaving, applying make-up, painting my nails...wait a second.  At least half of the tasks that I just listed don't REALLY need to be done.  Do they?  As a child I couldn't wait until I was old enough to do all of the "big girl" things like what I saw my grandmother doing.  You really need the full picture here: my grandmother was from Alabama.  She never left her bedroom in the morning until her face was "on", her hair was curled, and her perfectly ironed blouse was tucked snugly into the waistband of her slacks.  This was the same woman who weighed herself everyday, re-painted her nails if there was even the tiniest of chips in the lacquer, and carried her poodle like a fashion statement.  She was high-class country, and my grandpa thought himself lucky to have snagged himself a "Lineville girl".  My grandma, who insisted on being called Grandmother Ellen, was the first consistent female role model in my life.  She would roll in her grave if she knew that I was writing this without a bra on.  So thirty years later, like her, I wake in the morning and put on my face before work, pin back my long hair, and spritz on perfume.  At the end of the day I wash my face and weigh myself and powder my bottom.  ...I think I just made myself throw up a little in the back of my mouth.  You see?  Times have changed, WE have changed, but we're still doing the same old things.  Society's idea of beauty is still skinny, plucked, shaven, polite, and waxed.  Here's the kicker: I know that I don't want to conform and wear makeup just because it makes me more pleasant for people to look at, but I still will because I want to feel pretty.  I hate taking the time to shave my body everyday, but I'll still feel self-conscious if I haven't done it in a while.  It's like it has been ingrained in us to please others by altering our own bodies, and it's so hard to retrain our brains not to think that way because everyone else still does it too.  The first time I ever met my sister-in-law was at a pool party in the late afternoon.  She had just driven in from California, or Colorado, or wherever she lived at that particular time, and it had been a long journey.  Her curly, red hair was uncombed and her bra straps were falling down her shoulders.  She reached out and wrapped her arms around me in the warmest hug that I had ever experienced, and I noticed that she had underarm hair.  Like, a LOT of armpit hair.  And she didn't give a flying shit!  It did not register to her at all that it may be weird for people to see that she hadn't shaved in a few weeks, especially since she was wearing a sleeveless shirt.  I LOVE her!  She likes to creatively paint her face from time to time, almost like a canvas for her next art project, but she doesn't feel the need to wear cover-up daily.  Her hair is so wild that she couldn't tame it if she tried, and I'm so glad that she doesn't even bother.  She is wild and open, honest and FREE.  Other people can see whatever they want to see when they look at her, but when I look at her I see naked beauty and pure reality.  We are all beautiful, just the way we are.  Anyone who thinks differently should probably check their own ideas of beauty.  Let them be the ones with the confining societal standards, I'd rather just be me.
What's your idea of beauty?

"Embracing your true self radiates a natural beauty that cannot be diluted or ignored.  Confident, powerful, untamable, badass you!" - Dr. Steve Maraboli

I Never Knew

       I once knew a woman whose hair grew long and free.  I would visit with her from time to time while she stared off into the distance, far past me.  Stories of was and when tumbled from her lips, but her words brought tears to my eyes because I never realized what I never knew.  I had never known that her small frame had once been beaten by fists of disgrace, her fair skin blemished with the scars of hate.  I loved to stare into the glistening pool of her eyes, never knowing that their depths had been dug by the fingers of despair.  I felt that she had accomplished much through her bravery and creativity, but I never knew that each day was a struggle of life and death, no's and maybe's.  A crushing weight sat upon her chest, but to me it looked as though she was laying upon the ground on purpose.  Her doll-like feet seemed to float above the blades of grass as she walked, but underneath were striped scars from the glass and the rocks.  Her breasts were humble, not hidden but not boasted, while underneath were the secreted burns of the branding iron.  I thought her perceptive, all knowing it seemed.  But the truth is that she was hyperaware, needing to always know her way to safety if danger began to scream.  Her body appeared to move seamlessly with the wind as she danced around the nights fire; I never knew that she was really dodging the hot sparks of desire.  The stars seemed to shine down upon the halo of her simple brow, the flowers and trees bending while she passed with an extravagant bow.  She told me of far away places and caverns and caves, beaches where century old soldiers unearthed graves.  She had witnessed the birth of the moon in all of its wondrous glory, and had sat in awe as the suns flames rose to chase the infant underground.  I watched as her fingers wove colorful lives together, magic and stars exploding instantly without sound.  In her passion and fury her words blew smoke and her eyes shone blue as day, red as night, and finally green as her breath began to slow.  Her scarred chest heaved up and down in time with the feathers that round her head wound.  When her tongue spoke no more, the stories were at an end, I looked up to beseech her to tell me more, "one more!" I implore.  I felt desperate, not knowing where we would go from here without her words to carry me through another afternoon of laughter and tears.  She held one palm away, allowing its  emptiness to blow away on the breeze of the past.  The other she put to her lips and whispered quietly into, her eyes closed in peace.  The flowers dancing under my toes were the only sound as I suddenly knew that I would have to go on.  I could still visit my muse occasionally, but I felt within myself the truth that was always there.  That I am her, and she is me.  I'm beautiful and lovely just as I thought of her, her journey was a path that I also traveled.  I can wear her flowered crown, pricking my own fingers and growing my own star-laced gown.  My own eyes shine with the galaxy and planets that align, my own womb bearing the pain of all who could have belonged.  I too am strong; I also have a tale to tell, and the words that flow from my fingers have the power to grow like cancer or shine like moonbeams.  I too can turn my scars into ribbons of grace and wear past injustices as a smile upon my face.  I also harbor magic in the palms of my heart and, if I so choose, can toss my glittered sorrow to spot the sky as stars in the night.

Moon Goddess painting by Karen Ferrand Carroll

"Bohemian Goddesses" with guest blogger Caleigh Bird

       As a contemporary figure and portrait artist I feel that it is very important to be representational of all kinds of people and to celebrate our unique differences as positive rather than as an exclusionary negative.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and once one learns to open up their eye to the possibility of different being beautiful then the whole world lights up, literally and figuratively.
       In my "Bohemian Goddesses" series I am exploring women whose beauty transcends the (crumbling) traditional American ideal standards of perfection.  Namely, unique and exquisite women who are not primarily of Anglican descent.  Women who may have been marginalized in the past, but today are finding their own powerful voices and loyal audiences and are helping to create a more balanced, in tune, and accepting future.
       Growing up and attending art school in the Southeastern US, all of my art professors, live models, and almost every artist we studied, were of Eastern European descent.  Even when studying art abroad throughout France and Italy my experience was no different.  Although I enjoyed my time in Europe immensely and reveled in the priceless and near perfect paintings and sculptures at many of the world’s most renowned museums, I couldn’t help but notice that because of years and years of systematic oppression, beautiful culturally and colorfully diverse faces are practically nowhere to be found among the great art collections of the Western world.
       Still to this day this separation occurs in contemporary art, through no specific intention I assume, but as a continuation of the subconscious, yet perpetual, marginalization of our melanin rich and ethnically diverse sisters and brothers here in the US.  I believe that the modern art scene in general, from its exhibiting artists to its muses, should be ever more representational of all the unique citizens of this earth.  Lovingly painting these stunningly gorgeous faces as well as sharing a little bit about the actual women behind the portraits is one small way that I can help to spread a worldwide message of appreciation and admiration for one another.
       Along with craving more diversity in the fine art world, I have become incredibly inspired ever since my move to Hawai’i in 2015.  For the first time in my life I am living in a community that is not predominantly Caucasian, which at first felt foreign and exotic, but now just feels like home.  O’ahu is an incredible melting pot with people of every culture and heritage from around the globe, which, combined with the vivid and indescribably rich palette of the natural island, has my artistic heart soaring. 
       The final piece of the puzzle came into play as a result of being invited into the personal lives of many different women all over the world via social media and becoming so impressed by so much beauty that was unlike the beauty I was used to experiencing.  I felt compelled to celebrate and embrace these powerful living goddesses in a truly magical way.
       It is my wish that viewers of this collection will be left with the impression of deep respect and admiration that I hold for my muses, as well as for all of our sisters and brothers who are growing and blossoming and creating and thriving and transforming our world into a better and more enriching place.
       - Caleigh Bird
Where's your inner goddess?

Bohemian Goddesses

Caleigh Bird Art

"Caleigh Bird, a fine artist, blogger, and YouTuber, was born in Toronto in 1984 and was brought up in historic Charleston, SC.  Caleigh received her Bachelor’s Degree in Studio Art with an Art History Minor from the College Of Charleston and she received her Master’s Degree in Studio Art at the University of South Carolina in Columbia, SC.  Caleigh has also spent time studying painting at the Istituto Michelangelo in Florence, Italy as well as Studio Escalier in Argenton Chateau, France.  In 2015 she relocated to Oahu, Hawaii and is currently finding new inspiration in the lush landscapes and vivid palette of the tropics, as well as the culturally diverse population."
- Caleigh Bird

Screaming At Trees (Vishuddha)

       Does your chest ever feel so full that you might explode?  I sometimes find that I am full on the inside.  Full of swirling thoughts, anxieties, fears, insecurities, and anger.  These feelings can make it hard to get up and face the day, because it makes everything feel so big.  I'm unsure of myself; how can I face an entire planet full of people?  I followed my crawling toddler through a path in the woods today, and he led me into a clearing surrounded by trees.  The sun fell upon this circular clearing as if it were a spotlight on the stage of the earth.  I sat in the middle of the warm circle and sighed.  I needed to scream.  In fact, we all should have a good scream on the right regular.  The problem is that it feels silly at first.  Where do I go to scream where no one will hear me?  Because if they hear me then they'll look at me funny and then I'll feel stupid.  Who cares?!  Find a place!  Scream into your pillow, go out into the middle of the woods, stand at the edge of the roaring ocean, lock yourself in your car while you're speeding down the highway and just let it out!  A big issue that women face is not even knowing that they don't know how to voice themselves.  We have to find our voices!  Things happen to us and around us and we just keep it quiet like good little girls.  We never make a scene or air out our dirty laundry, just like we were taught.  When people ask us how we're doing we say, "fine," or "great, how about you?".  We don't really mean that shit.  What we actually want is to shout out every single thing that we've ever been upset about from the time we were born.  But we don't, so we struggle with social anxiety, dishonesty, stubbornness, untrustworthiness, verbal aggressiveness, lack of creativity, resentments, and fear of expressing our thoughts.  Maybe they really don't care how you feel, maybe if you speak your opinion they'll react negatively, but you have to get it out!  This week I want every woman to put their hands to their own throat and scream.  Scream loud, scream the way you used to when you were a little kid.  Feel silly?  Do it again!  And again, and again, and again until you feel strong!  Journal your feelings, laugh from your belly and say "thank you!" to the world.  Sing all of your favorite songs LOUDLY and without shame.  Even if no one around you appreciates your voice, I want you to know that I'm proud of you and I think that you're beautiful.  Drink water, imagine that all of your pain is being pushed into a tiny ball and throw that ball into the earth.  Surround yourself with the color blue, practice being assertive, and then spend time in silence.  After you get it all out, every little bit down to your toes, sit in silence and hear your thoughts.  Feel the relief in your body and the exhaustion of your consciousness.  Allow your inner voice to emerge and let it speak lovingly.  Speak your truth openly and freely, honor your own opinion, and allow your muscles to relax as your inner power strengthens you.  Imagine your young self between the ages of seven and twelve.  Whatever happened during this time that may have led you to feel unsafe, unheard, alone, and unimportant...let it go.  Forgive the people who gave you that feeling, and forgive yourself.  Cry when you want to cry, scream when you want to scream, and laugh when you want to laugh.  Give yourself the spiritual embrace that you deserve and be at peace.
What's your voice saying?

Spotlight! on Sarah Howle -Break The Chain

       I run through the rain with my hands insufficiently covering my hair until I can hop the stone steps that lead to the wooden porch.  A surfboard hangs to my left and the door directly before me leaks soft guitar licks and hair-raising whispers from the cracks.  I turn the doorknob and push with my shoulder to find a young crooner perched in a bench across the room with her legs crossed.  Upon my arrival her voice immediately stops and a smile spreads across her unsure lips as she introduces herself to my drenched face for the first time.  This is Sarah Howle, eighteen year old Virgo and aspiring star from a little country town in South Carolina called Hartsville.  But those are just her bio facts, what I want to see is her soul.  I tell her not to mind my presence as I slink to a bedded corner to eagerly await the ghostly tunes of her breath once more.  Sarah inhales and begins a song, hesitant at first, but then I see her angle her head downwards with her long hair partly covering her face.  This gives her just enough of a shield to remember herself as her eyes close and she begins to feel the words that are magically pouring from somewhere deep in her belly.  I close my own eyes and lay enchanted at the passion that I can clearly hear in her words.  I love that she doesn't try to sing the song exactly the way that Stevie Nicks did; instead she loves the lyrics and makes them her own, in her own key, in her own time, and she just blows me away.  I imagine that if her soul could slip from her body it would take the shape of a cat and howl its pain at the midnight moon.
      Sarah quoted some of the lyrics to me, things like, "slipping into the denseness of my loneliness," and "even if I found you you'd be so cold" and I knew that this young woman was special.  She remembers an agonizing juncture when she was just a little girl.  Both of her parents were drinking too much and little Sarah went through a time when she didn't quite feel safe.  That hidden pain grew into anxiety and depression that can only be relieved by crying her torment through the words that she sings.  Still hesitant of herself, she closes her eyes and imagines that she is standing alone in a wide open field at 2:15 in the morning.  There is no one around and the air has a chill that clings to her skin.  Within this fictional safe haven she is able to open her soul and pour her beautiful voice out for all to drink in.  Sarah was originally inspired by her maternal grandmother who used to sing gospel tunes on the television.  Her brothers were also catalysts on the road to finding her voice.  Sarah's older brother is a piano man who encourages her through his wisdom, and her younger brother heartens her with his pure soul.  "He was a blessing in disguise," she says of her three year old brother, Charlie.  "He was a surprise child and I realized that it wasn't just all about me.  He makes me want to do good and make the world a better place for him." 
       I had the most amazing time with this passionate young lady today.  Putting Sarah's physical merit aside, she is unmistakably beautiful through her intuition, loving passion, and ambitious strength.  She uses the only instrument that she can play to soothe and condition the hurt in her soul.  Her voice is a tool that she can carry with her wherever she goes and escape into its safe place, whether she's surrounded by hundreds of people or laying alone in her dark and soundless room with her mind wandering to the wide corners of her needs, desires, and dreams.
What's your escape?