Find Me

       Some days I find myself rushing through my life with purpose and drive.  I know where I'm headed and what step to take next to get where I'm going to be.  Other days I find myself struggling just to get from one moment to the next.  Some days I am strong and full of life, ready for new experiences.  Other days I find it hard to breathe just thinking about the fact that I'll have to go somewhere unfamiliar and be around other people.  I have been free of my abuser for over fourteen years now, and most days I think nothing of my past.  But some days I find myself smiling a little slower, my heart a little heavier, and my mouth a little quieter.  Some days I still flinch as the sun glints off of a belt buckle worn by a random passerby, and my heart skips a few beats at the sound of a raised voice.  Some days I find myself memorizing the make, model, and license plate of the car driving in front of me.  Not because I have a great memory, but because I subconsciously think that they may be on the way to commit a crime, or maybe they have a girl in their trunk who's fighting to get out and I'll have to testify in court one day.  For some people it may appear that I'm having irrational thoughts, but for me those thoughts were once a very real part of my everyday life.  Some days I know that I'm doing my best, but other days I need a helping hand.  Some days I find myself asking my son if he feels safe, if he has everything that he needs, and if he knows that I love him.  Some days I find myself looking for problems that aren't real in my marriage, because it's hard for me to trust that my partner doesn't secretly want to hurt me.  Some days I don't care how I look because I think that I can finally be comfortable with who I am.  Other days I find myself staring blankly at my skin, remembering the blood that once trickled through the little blonde hairs.  I often smile freely and dance without restraint whenever given the opportunity, but some days I find myself struggling to feel free and wondering if I'll always carry this pain.  Some days I find myself wishing that things in my life had gone very differently for my younger self, but other days I run my fingers over my scars and know that I am perfect.  I will never personally thank my abuser for the suffering that he caused; the shattering of my body and my mind.  But some days I find myself thanking the spiritual forces that be for bringing me to a place of continual healing.  I have a story, one that many other people have as well.  Every person on earth is on their own journey; no one can truly save anyone else.  Each person must walk their own path and choose their own healing.  While I sometimes sit in the sun and bask in the fun of the lighthearted and the unscathed, I often find myself curled up in the shade feeling every emotion and having to fight against each stray thought.  This is what makes it worth all of the pain.  Because the people who need help are not the ones out dancing in the sun, they're the ones hiding in the corner shadows.  I may not ever truly be able to pick someone up and carry them back into the light, or lay my hand on their wounds and heal them, but I can rest well at night knowing that, if only for a few moments, I stood in the shadows with those hurting people and held their hearts within my own.
Where do you find yourself?

Photo by Alessandra Vidotto