Watching Stones

       I don't particularly feel like being inspirational today, in fact I might even want to just sit here and be a little indolent.  And I think that's okay.  My brain is tired from learning and growing, and my body is exhausted from the work.  The results that I am constantly striving to achieve seem daunting at times, and right now is no exception.  I am at a place where the road I am on has many turns in the path that beg to be traveled.  I feel the need to tour every trail, to see it all, to know it all...but for right now I am weary.  I will sit here and rest for a while, and I will not feel guilty about it.  I know that the clouds will rain again and the sun will continue to shine and nourish, but I cannot keep chasing the wind for the roots that wish to grow to this spot.  The earth beneath me right this moment is what I need in order to strengthen my core, and this moment is all there is.  One day I will get up and continue down one of the many winding paths before me and I will be grateful for the opportunity to journey.  But right now I am thankful for the shade and repose.  Rest, relaxation, inactivity, slumber, quiet, calm, tranquility, composure, serenity, PEACE.  Life moves so quickly that we feel we must keep up.  There are times to wake and work to be done and meals to be eaten and items to be cleaned, people to care for.  But right now I need to care for me.  I need to NOT move as quickly as my environment.  I need to sit with my legs crossed and look above the swirling chaos of life to stare at the still stars and constant moon.  Once I slow down to a zero pace I can see how busy even the earth is.  Clouds blow by, birds sing and flit, ants toil away, and even squirrels busy themselves with the gathering of what they probably don't need.  At an even slower pace than that I can begin to see the energy emanating from a slowly reaching tree, the flower lifting its face towards the warm sun, and the rock as it breathes and bathes in its environment.  I must lay here, like a stone, and just watch.  Observe, view, gaze, contemplate, survey, regard, behold, and study until my mind is full and my head is tired.  Then I will breathe in and close my eyes to allow myself to be nothing but a thing existing.  Once I am only that, only being right there right then, then I know I have arrived.  When I am thoroughly rested I will once more pick up and start out on my travels.  The journey ahead may still appear ominous, even disconcerting, but the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.
Why rush?

A Perfect Circle- Eat The Elephant

Confession- Step 5

       Confession, relating to the sacrament of penance and the energy of the fifth chakra, is the call to action in the fifth step of our healing pilgrimage.  This step asks that we admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  Telling on ourselves is never easy, but as we look closer at the order of this step we can learn to honor it, and so honor ourselves.  When we have harmed someone we should first admit to our higher power that we were wrong.  This helps us to have a change of heart, a moment of reflection to look at what we've done and make the decision to make it right.  This is so important because we have to make the DECISION and set our INTENTION in a place of reconciliation before any further healing can begin.  Often I hear people go ahead and apologize to another person who is angry with them without meditating on it first, and it often comes off as a half-hearted attempt to simply pacify the angry person.  In order to make a true heart-felt apology we need to take the time to actually realize HOW and WHY we were wrong and practice the atonement process with our higher power.
       After we ruminate on our actions, then we move on to admitting to ourselves what we did.  This is my favorite part of this step, because after beating myself up for days or weeks or years over mistakes that I've made, I get to suddenly realize that I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF!  My God forgives as instantly as I do wrong, but I'm the one who really needs the convincing to forgive myself for my wrong doing, and once that's done everything else looks a little easier and brighter.  The final part of this step is admitting to someone else what I did wrong, which is really the hard part.  We don't necessarily have to confront the person that we've harmed yet, but we should tell a friend or sponsor about the harmful thing we did, if only to get the situation out of the mental realm and into the physical field where we can see it a little more clearly.  I often will talk to my partner about how I'm feeling and admit my guilt to him first, then bring myself to the person who I feel I hurt.  This is the part that makes my heart beat faster and my palms feel hot with anticipation, but the longer I wait to talk to the person I harmed after I've made the conscious decision that I need to, then the heavier the weight upon my chest feels about the prospect.  The important thing for me to remember about this is that I'm not asking them for forgiveness; I've already been forgiven by God and myself.  What I'm doing is simply telling them that I was wrong, that I shouldn't have done or said what I did, and in so doing I am releasing negativity within myself and calling a piece of my soul back to me as I finish that business.  The other person can choose to forgive me at that point or to continue to hold a grudge, that is only their choice, and one that affects their health alone.
       It isn't easy telling people that we were wrong, but it is such an important step to take towards the maturity of our souls.  The Vishuddha energy center located in our throats directly relates to communication and the will.  It seems defeating to give up control and let our pride fall away, but I've learned that there is nothing on this earth more freeing than setting down my burdens and opening the baggage.  We've carried that load for so long that it seems a part of who we are, almost to the point where we don't always remember the stink and weight of what we're carrying.  But once we stop, throw down our bags, open the top and let it all out everything changes.  It seems messy at first, maybe even scary, but once we look it in the eye and let it go we can keep walking without that weight dragging us down.  Shamanic societies believe in "soul retrieval", or recovering the pieces of ourselves to make us whole and heal from within.  They teach us that whenever we suffer an emotional or physical trauma that a piece of our soul fragments to flee the pain.  Likewise, whenever we do harm we leave a piece of ourselves within the spiritual realm of unfinished business.  Admission, confession, declaration brings about revelation, mending, and the much longed for transformation.
What will you confess to yourself?

"Once you forgive yourself, the self-rejection in your mind is over. Self-acceptance begins, and the self-love will grow so strong that you will finally accept yourself just the way you are. That's the beginning of the free human. Forgiveness is the key."   
-Don Miguel Ruiz

     

The Wounded Child (Anahata)

       "Fear is the heart of love," I swayed as she sang along to her husband strumming his guitar, "so I never went back..." a sad line to croon, but later that day I thought it to be true.  An argument between my own partner and I led to a hurtful exchange of words that left me sitting with a deep pain in my chest.  I quietly realized that the pain was wrenching in the area of my heart as I thought about the words that hurt me, but as I turned everything over in my brain I noticed that the pain began to move.  My segmented thoughts grew into sentences and unspoken retaliations that pushed the pain up into my throat.  I felt choked on the words that I wasn't speaking, and the more I suppressed my distress the more resentment seemed to build.  As the animosity grew and settled, the pain slowly fell into my bellybutton where my energy is affected by my relationships.  Of course my husband and I worked things out within minutes, but I felt that I suddenly understood myself a little better because of this interchange.  Our thoughts, words, and actions (or lack thereof) can either empower us or suck the life energy straight from our bodies.  Why did I continue negative thought patterns and self-harming belief systems?  Fear.  Jealousy, bitterness, anger, hatred, and the inability to forgive grow directly out of anxiety, crippling our hearts to its true purpose in the divine intention of our lives.  Lucky for us that love, compassion, confidence, hope, forgiveness, dedication, inspiration, trust, and the ability to heal can pour forth from our hearts to endlessly nurture our life force.
       The heart is the energy center that separates the physical from the spiritual.  The lower three chakras are based in physical, emotional, and mental aspects of the somatic realm, whereas the higher three chakras are based in the spiritual realm.  The heart is the transforming agent between the higher and lower worlds- isn't that beautiful?  In order for the spiritual to become physical it must pass through the heart, and in order for the physical to become spiritual the heart must transform it.  Love is the power of the divine.  Love goes beyond the sacrament of marriage, it is the internal union of the self and the soul, the true motivator of the human body and spirit.  Unconditional love, love in its purest form, is what gives us the ability to forgive others, ourselves, and fuel inner peace as we release the need to evoke justice and trust in the divine plan.  To embrace our pure power we must have the courage to listen to our hearts emotional messages and inner instructions.  The "wounded child" is what Caroline Myss calls the damaged emotional patterns, negative attitudes, dysfunctional self-images, and painful memories that develop within us during our childhoods.  She believes that a child who fears abandonment can become a jealous adult, a sexually abused minor can grow into a sexually dysfunctional grown-up, and a negative self-image can turn a healthy person into an alcoholic, bulimic, or anorexic.  Loving ourselves means letting go of that wounded child's authority over us and rocking our emotions until the tears stop flowing.  Someone who was abused many years ago can hurt themselves even more by reliving that abuse in their own minds every day of their lives until they are crippled from the pain of the memory.  Self-love means forgiving others, because our wounds don't hurt the people who hurt us, they only hurt us.  Our wounded child sees the world as working in a reward/punishment system, but a fully functioning Anahata moves past needing explanations and views life through fulfilling consciousness, not fear.  The word Anahata translates from Sanskrit as "UNHURT", the spiritual place where past experiences and grievances cannot harm us.  I will be fully open to giving and receiving love.  I will instantly forgive, not only others, but myself as well.  I love myself unconditionally.  I love others unconditionally.  Love is my guiding truth, my hearts desire, and my joy.  I will live gratefully, because it is safe for me to love and be loved.  I will have unconditional compassion for myself and others as I free myself from past hurts.  For "we will all have experiences meant to 'break our hearts'- not in half but wide open."
Is your wounded child still crying?

Music by Mary and Martin Callozzo

What No One Tells You About Yourself

You are beautiful

You are good

You are prolific

You are kind

You are smart

You are wise

You are powerful

You can do this

You are strong

Your scars are inspiring stories

Your tears are lovely legacies

Your body is without flaw

You are perfectly you

We are all gems in the crown of the goddess

The moon reflects your inner love

The sun shines just to look upon your face

The grass rises to meet your gentle feet

Because there is no one else like you

You feel because you are connected to me

I smile because I am connected to you

You hurt because your heart carries more love than your human mind can conceive

I laugh because I know your walls don't protect you, they just keep you in

You can come out

It's okay to step out into the unknown

Hold your head high while you bare your chest

Let the world see you

The real you

Because the real you is more than enough

You are perfect

I will stand with you

You are everything

And everything is you

Don't forget that you have wings my dear

Remember that you already possess within you the very magic you long for

You are an irresistible and eloquent force unto yourself

You are imperative, filled with essential might

You are unrivaled

You are the unbroken product of the Creator

You are Woman

"To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person that you are."
- Sholem Asch

The Indigo Gateway (Ajna)

       As I travel through this life, from forest to river, oceans to mountain, I walk with purpose.  I tread toward the end goal of spiritual awakening, the awareness of love and peace, a place of transcendental universal understanding.  We all strive to be closer to Creator, even as we co-create our lives and situations to be in a place of strife or a haven of tranquility.  As we journey through life we exercise the muscles of our body and strengthen them according to how we use them.  Our arms are strengthened as we climb, our legs as we run, and our wisdom as we learn to trust our intuition and perceive truth.  Ajna, our third eye, is the muscle that we use to unify ourselves with all of life.  When we find this gateway we realize that we have always had the ability to stand in its blue and purple light and view the heart and soul of other living beings.  The wisdom that hides behind this door is able to transcend a wisdom beyond speech, a  knowing of truth where we can clearly see how the past effects the present and future, but not just the truths that seem to be, we can understand circumstance and situations for what they truly are.  Mental and emotional clarity act as a balance for our masculine and feminine abilities as well as a rudder that steers us down the spiritual path of what is harmful or helpful to all of humanity.  A swan stands guard at this beautiful portal to remind us that all may enter into the dwelling place of the master, but not all are able.  Ajna is considered to be the master as it is associated with the pituitary gland in the brain.  The pituitary gland controls the hormone function of all other glands in the endocrine system, regulating such hormones as Thyroid Stimulating Hormone, Follicle-Stimulating Hormone, Prolactin, Growth Hormone, Vasopressin, and Oxytocin to name a few.  Symbolically we can see how being able to understand all things for what they truly are in the past, present, and future simultaneously gives us a full body, mind, and soul connection to happiness and neutrality.  Ajna is a point of balance, where there is no positive or negative, love or hate.  The granter of knowledge lives across this gateway, allocating erudition to those fearless few who are able to detach themselves from physical earth and unlink the need for a desired result.  All of the elements, in their purest form, reside in this place to gift those who travel in imagination and super-consciousness with the realization that time and space are not linearly real.  All can be accomplished through penetrating intuition since living in this state of cosmic knowledge takes on personal meaning and purpose.  Swami Kedarnath felt that once he awakened to this Ajna state that he no longer simply knew truth, but he became truth.   This philosophy essentially states that the death of ego is the life of the soul, meaning that once we let our masks fall our real selves can appear.  When we allow our consciousness to relax and focus our minds, we find that we can see beyond the distractions and illusions that stand before us and have greater insight to live and create more deeply in alignment with our highest good.  I will remind myself that I am visceral and I trust my intuition.  I rely on the guidance bestowed upon me through my spiritual gifts, and it is safe for me to follow this direction.  I am my higher truths.  I am clear.  I know my own voice and I have a healthy mind.  My calm and peaceful thoughts have unlimited possibilities.  I can easily hear the voice of my soul as all of the answers are inside of me.  I am my spiritual truth and I am connected to my true path and purpose.  I embrace vision and proudly stand guard at the gateway to the divine.
Which eye are you watching with?

"I have three eyes: two to look and one to see meaning."
- Bellamor

Blinded- Step 4

    In the fourth step of our life changing journey we will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  That sounds pretty self-damning when we say it that way.  A lot of us are recovering drug addicts, alcoholics, or may simply be working these steps as a means of emotional support and healing, so what good does it do to beat ourselves up with our own mistakes over and over again?  We must realize that this step of healing is about ripping off the band-aid, and it is the beginning of the deep wading through our murky souls.  Why did we turn to drugs to begin with?  Why do we hurt inside?  Why are we sad on happy days?  Why do we cry when nothing is outwardly wrong?  We've spent our whole lives until this moment blinding ourselves to what hurts our hearts, trying not to feel that pain anymore.  For people who grew up in a rough environment it was a means of survival, for adults who went through trauma it was a way to protect themselves.  Aren't we tired of blindly stumbling through life with our stone walls and high towers?  Yes, they have protected us in the past, but those same walls have also kept us in, kept us from growing into who we were meant to be.  The lack of sunshine beneath our self-made cement prison has stunted our spiritual and emotional growth without allowing us the much needed oxygen and nutrients to actually heal from what hurt us in the first place.  We turn to outside means to make us feel better because we never actually healed; we never moved on even though we ignored and pushed down that pain over and over again.  The only way to truly move on from our secret pain is to admit that our pain is really there and allow ourselves to FEEL it.  This step was critical in my healing process, and "The Pig on My Porch" is based on my journey and inspired by this step.  I began with writing about the first memory that I had deep within my psyche.  I was reminded of childhood play, secret desires, my shortcomings, hidden disappointments, and then as I grew I came to chapters that were a little harder to get through.  I wrote about the death of my mother, my sexual abuse, low self-esteem and mental health, domestic violence, and addiction.  I let one hurtful memory after another build chapter upon chapter until I had written hundreds of pages.  An amazing thing began to happen as I forced myself to recall every outstanding personal experience- by the end of each chapter I was able to look at my memories with clear eyes.  I was able to relive each recollection and feel those feelings in a way that respected my younger self, but with an adults mind and a fresh perspective.  By the end of my book I was finally able to see things the way that they really were, not just for me, but for everyone involved.  By the time I had transcribed all of my thoughts and emotions onto the once blank pages and placed that final period, I was able to do the most miraculous thing: UNDERSTAND and FORGIVE.  I had to look at my deepest secrets, my worst pain, feel it, sit in it, and then let it go.  Maybe a lot of what happened to us in our lives hadn't been our fault, we were the victims, the hurt ones.  But by pushing down our pain and ignoring what our soul is telling us is wrong we somehow become someone that we don't recognize.  We go from the victim to the culprit without realizing it, because we go to extraordinary measures to stop feeling what hurts.  It's time to look directly into that black pool of torment and calm the storm.  It's okay to let ourselves feel the pain that we've been running from, because only then can we transform from the wounded to the liberated.
What are you hiding from?

Sciamachy
   (n.)  A battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow 

Why Women?

       Every now and then I stumble across someone who seems to legitimately not care about women's rights.  I can ALMOST see how an uninformed type male wouldn't understand the struggle and pressures of being born a female (or a male that identifies as female), but what really gets me is when a woman doesn't care.  I understand that feminism is MY passion, but how could any woman truly feel unaffected by the women's movement?  How could any female not feel ecstatically proud of how far we've come?  The only answer I can conceive is that we have done our job.  If a young girl has truly never felt discriminated against, looked down on, treated as lesser or dumber or weaker, then thank the goddesses that all of their hard work has paid off!  For those of you who are unaffected by the sweat, fear, and pain of our sister suffragettes, let me enlighten you.  For those who have never been passed over for a job position or told to return for a business deal when you can bring your husband to assist you, to those who have never been whistled at like cattle in a roundup or been told that their place was in the home, let me fill you in on what's been happening outside of your little bubble.  On August 26, 1920, the 19th amendment was ratified.  This amendment finally gave American women the right to vote after a nearly 100 year long fight.  100 years!  It took an entire century to convince the government that women should have the same rights as a man!  During this time reform groups began multiplying all over the United States- temperance leagues, religious movements, moral-reform societies, anti-slavery organizations- ultimately leading up to the redefinition of the noun "woman".  We get to live a comparatively comfortable life, whether or not we choose to pay homage to a legacy that over seven generations of women toiled to achieve through meetings, petition drives, lobbying, public speaking, and nonviolent resistance.  We no longer have to marry and bear heirs in order to be taken care of; we don't have to be subservient and obedient maids.  We get to vote, work a fulfilling job with the right to equal pay and we get to keep that job legally when we become pregnant.  Our husbands do not own us, get to beat us, or take sex whenever they choose.  WE choose to become doctors, lawyers, ministers, astronauts, to own property, to own a credit card, to fight on the front lines.  WE CHOOSE to have bank accounts, serve on a jury, take birth control, wear practical bathing suits, go to college, breastfeed in public, or run the Boston marathon.  Watching the Olympics was a crime for women, punishable by death (!), for the ancient Greeks.  Women in New York City were banned from smoking cigarettes in public until 1908 because it was considered unbecoming.  English women were disallowed to play in soccer matches until 1971 because the game was declared unsuitable for the female body.  To this day it is supposedly still LEGAL for a man to beat his wife in South Carolina, as long as it takes place on the courthouse steps on a Sunday.  The town of Owensboro, KY has a law that prohibits women from purchasing hats without her husbands consent.  It's still illegal (though unenforced) for women in California to wear a housecoat while driving, and the city of Logan, Utah prohibits women from swearing.  All of these ridiculous grievances aside, women who reside in countries other than our own are still being treated as less valuable than men, and in some cases less valuable than animals.  Saudi women were banned from operating vehicles until June of 2018.  In Yemen women are only considered to be half of a witness when testifying in court, and they aren't allowed to testify at all in cases of adultery or sodomy.  In Morocco if a woman is raped then she faces charges for leaving her home without a male escort, and in this most recent case a sixteen year old girl committed suicide after a judge sentenced her to marry her rapist.  What happened on the planet earth where this sort of gross mistreatment is considered normal?  Where is the disconnect in our brains that makes women seem less important, less worthy, anything less than magical?  We are the strong, the passionate, the indestructible, the indomitable.  We birth this earth.
Any more questions?

“That woman has too long rested satisfied in the circumscribed limits which corrupt customs and a perverted application of the Scriptures have marked out for her, and that it is time she should move in the enlarged sphere which her great Creator has assigned her.”

- Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions 

 (Photo by Chris Ware/Keystone Features/Getty Images)

"September 1953: Twenty-one year old Alice Penfold, a professional strong woman from Bury, near Pulborough, Sussex, flexes her biceps. She can tear telephone directories in half and lift a 146 lb woman with her teeth."
- Flashbak