Ergo Ego

       The strangest thing happened to me yesterday.  Someone told me, "No"!  I asked this person for their help with a project that I thought would greatly benefit us both, and she flat out told me no.  No explanation, no reason; she didn't even hear the whole proposal!  Of course my first reaction was to try to convince her as to why she SHOULD want to do what I wanted her to do, and then I spent the afternoon re-reading my text messages to her and trying to figure out what I had said to make her not want to help.  My head ran wild for hours, "She doesn't like me.  She's a bitch.  She doesn't know what she's missing.  What did I do wrong?  WHY didn't she think my idea was wonderful?"  I had been on a high of yeses, but as soon as I heard the word no for the first time that week my entire day just fell apart.  I began to doubt everything that I was doing and wondered if I just really sucked in general but people were afraid to tell me so.  Later that afternoon I sat outside as the sun went down and just let the whole range of emotions wash over my brain.  I let myself feel angry, I allowed the rejection to hurt me a little, and then I suddenly realized what was REALLY wrong.  My EGO was injured!  You know what?  She is allowed to say no.  We are all allowed to say no.  She owes me nothing in order for her to refuse me, and I commend her honesty.
       The problem is that I'M the one who is afraid to say no.  From the time we are born we are told what to do and where to go and what to think, to the point where its almost like our own opinions and thoughts and wants aren't considered just because we're little.  As we grow, if our ideas aren't encouraged or validated, we learn to simply obey orders and if we don't want to do something then we feel guilty about it.  I think this is amplified greatly in abuse victims, sexually abused or otherwise, because there is a power there that was snatched away.  Someone along the line showed us that our opinions didn't matter.  Someone once revealed to us that our no's didn't really have any meaning or value.  And when our no's no longer have meaning then we lose a power within ourselves.  Long, long ago I lost that power, and I've been trying to find it again with every part of my beating little heart.  I'm going to practice saying no today.  And tomorrow.  And the day after that.  If there is something that I am uncomfortable with or simply don't want to do then I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT!  Isn't that a free feeling?  I won't allow myself to feel guilty for standing up for my wants and desires.  If I don't voice them then no one will ever know!  If I don't reclaim my power then who will that authority belong to?  I am my own person.  I have ideas, good ideas.  I will not feel small for having them, and I will not make other women feel small for having their own.  We are all of the same sex and we must stand up for each other.  Girl, say no!  Say it loud!  YOU DON'T NEED A REASON.
What's your ego saying?